Tiramisu with Dad

It was fun and amusing for my dad to try different things.  However he really likes his Asian food. 

Getting Ready for Chinese New Year at the Monastery

Lots of happiness in cleaning.







What are you selling Toure?

We Don't Seem to Run Out of Things to Talk About

After the evening dharma lecture tonight, John, Toure, and myself just sat in my car at the parking lot and chatted form 10pm-1am.  Toure and John are amazing spirits and great healers, I don’t think they know that or see that in themselves. 

Just Say No!

I said no to a friend.   It was like asking me to give up my life or something.  I had time to sit and think about all of this.  I felt guilty for saying no.  I felt bad, I felt really bad, like I can’t say no.  And that somehow because I said no, somehow it’ll all be my fault, bad things will happen and I suck.  I don’t want to get run over or be a doormat.  I am my own individual person.  I realized my challenge is to learn to say, “NO” and feel okay, continue to keep breathing, or try and let it go.  So, I had to say no to a friend and use it as perfect practice to overcome all this inability to do so and the end of the world thing. 

True relationships that are caring, kind, healthy, nurturing will care to understand and support me in handling my heart with care, and wish for me to be a happy successful person to my full potential and celebrate with me in joy.   So I won’t worry so much and I can say “NO” to people.

Too Young To Be So Sad

Today I met a young man who was too young to be smoking.  He stank.  He had a beautiful face.  I can see, he was sad on the inside.  It was so sad to see him so young, so beautiful, so sad, so addicted to coping with influence, not having resources to resolve challenges and transcend darkness. 

Blinding

Someone today approached me and insisted on helping me by informing me the faults of others and how she is not like them and that she is not saying this just to be destructive and trashing but informative.  

Just her insisting she is better and others are not, creates conditions so that others cannot become better and live up to their potentials.  

What was most disturbing was the forcing of trying to drown me in this black chi and won’t take no for answer.  This insistence is the force and it came from top down trying to block, fill up, cover over my eyes, all of them.  This is blinding.  It is a form of passive aggressive bullying.  

Muffled

Dream

I am standing on dirt floor facing bunk beds set up for concentration camps or slave trade.  A large woman exhausted and ill is in the middle bunk by the entrance of this room.  It is night time and the night is barely lit by candle light.  Everything feels grimy, dirty, sweaty, unpleasant, and unhappy.  The people looked that way too.  Within the vignette of the entrance I saw a large strong female arm extended exhausted toss out s lump, brown and red.  It lands on the entrance way, looking about 6 inches long curled up, not crying or moving, still hot from birth, it is bloody from the fetal sack and the bleeding of its own blood from a broken neck, head tilting to the right.  Minutes was all this body had left, I scream in horror, it’s too late for the baby, how about the mother?  I run for a doctor. 

When I exited the bunk bed barn like structure, I entered another scene, this scene is different than the previous one that was more primitive, I am in a different time, it was the time of horses as the mode of transportation. 

I finally found a doctor, facing the unwilling doctor who refused to get involved, I found myself in another scene and another time.  It is the present time of now, and in the hallway by the kitchen of the house I lived in.  I screamed at the doctor, “If you won’t help, I’ll have to call the cops!”  Totally ready to pull out my cell phone, I ran for my room, a portal to another time, a gateway to another scene of horses and cities.  At the hallway outside of my room, a man grabs me from behind takes me down as I wrestled with him not loosing in strength or endurance, he pulls out a needle and injects me with a drug, to silence me and confuse me.  I fought to get up, I did and I fought to not be overpowered by the drug.  I could not hear myself speak and my sense of vision was warped.  I cannot tell if I have a voice.  I continue to scream and I spoke and stumbled through the gateway.

The scene changed, what was the room of the slave beds was now a corner building.  What was a time of horses and candle wick light is now time of carriages and lamp lit streets.  I am clear and awake and still speaking.  I hear my voice through my thoughts.  The drug muffled my ear’s hearing abilities.  This attempt was to fool me into thinking I am mute, insane, and that I don’t have a voice.  Its goal was to silence me from speaking and exposing what is illegal, injustice, suffering, afflictions, so no one is saved and the control, power, and fear continues, harm gets away with harm.    

In a Dirty Place

Dream

I am inside a house, appeared to be our house, kind of recognizable and kind of not.  It was so old, dirty, dusty, run down, and abandoned.  There is sunlight shining through showing all the dust.  I approached a door attempting to leave this filthy dirty place.  As my hand reached for the door a piece of the ceiling dry wall fell along with the perpendicular dry wall that was holding it up, revealing the colonies of spiders and diverse species all parked in a thick web.  They were all parked in close proximity, pretty crammed.  I was super grossed out by the sight.  I freaked out and backed away from the door.  The spiders didn’t look evil but have taken over as occupants of the house.  I began to head for another door, this one led me inside and this falling of dry wall revealing the same things were repeated wherever I stepped and looked.   I was very over whelmed by the dust, dirt, filthiness of the place. While I was in the hallway, a startling sight caught my eyes, a pure clean baby bird approximately 9 inches in length was walking on the floor.  A strand of web caught its tail and I felt it could be a hindrance to while in flight.  I stepped on the strand to separate it from the bird.  Beautiful, pure, clean bird, completely random and out of place, so it seems to me.  The place is too dirty for the bird to call home or for anybody to call it a home. 

Give it Time, Give Wonderful Surprises a Chance

I have ignored a significant piece of information on the reality of this snowboarding injury, I can’t get myself out of the ground.  The muscles required are injured.  I can’t even roll from side to side.  The weather is beautiful and amazing snow is on the slopes, how I am missing out on, so sad.

Today a beautiful sight came my way.  I came across someone who gave me torment, terror, and hell for over a month, just a little over 7 months ago and had me seriously questioning my path in life.  And yet today, all that seemed like a faded dream from so long ago.  Today we meet in public space and on his own time and among his peers, he took the effort and time to look at me in the eye while passing with gentle and calm, nodded and acknowledged and sincerely greeted me.  I was blown away with surprise and wow.  I returned with eyes wide open and a bright smile.  Magic!  I just witnessed magic!  I just experienced magic!  What a beautiful sight, more beautiful than the low and large bright, Thursday morning sunrise moon. 

Sincerity, truth will prevail, give it time to surface and rise above all.  Press on in the face of slander, outcaste, alone, and what seems unbearable hardship because the sea of twisted dark ways will part and bright clear sunshine will come through.  I am glad I did not abandon me.   

         

Martin Luther King Jr Remebered at Yerba Buena Park

Marched from the bridge to Yerba Buena Gardens where Rev. Heng Sure set us up with seating where Charles Gibbs were along with interfaith friends. Nancy Palosi was there and Aimes Brown delivered quite a speech. Rev. Heng Sure led the crowd in singing “We Shall Over Come” between each speaker. Somehow he was never introduced. We then follow him to Novellus theatre for his performance. We waited in the backstage dressing room. It was after his performance that I learned he had not been feeling well and had not been taking in any food or liquid. At 2pm he had his first sip of liquid, a sip of hot tea.

Potsticker Party

Yum and fun! 

How Much is the Middle?

I went to the grocery store to buy flour, veggie butter, and beets.  There was a mix up and I returned some things.  Somehow I got more returned than what I paid for.  I didn’t tell the manager for not catching that.  I wondered if that was invalidating to do so.  Did I get more or less on my refund?  I am really not all that positive.  I didn’t mind with not bothering to find out.  I wondered if that was sloppy of me.  

This other time I confronted a cashier over a few pennies too much to me and I saw what a disservice I had one to her.  In this process of wanting to be karmically right, I had somehow shamed her in her job in front of a nearby manager and staff.  My need to be karmically careful and correct harmed someone.

Jibberish

I think the fall yesterday was much more severe than I was aware of.  Today, the words that came out of my hand was all jibberish, spelling of words were scrambled.  I also can’t tell if I need to poop or fart.

Ouch

Day 6 Snowboarding for the 2011 season

Woke up at 4am, super nervous about the fatigue and the drive to get to Tahoe and the determining decision came to this, if I didn’t go, I may explode. I think I needed to go for my sanity. Yup, I woke up and doubted on whether or not I should go. I should have left yesterday. I am not sure what the resistance was but I knew if I didn’t go I would have a mental melt down this week.

The first two hours of the drive was unbearable, the whiners inside my head kept at it. “Five hours of driving just to get there! Only a few hours on the snow! Another five hours just to get back! Road conditions can be bad! etc…” on and on. I decided to turn the radio on and heard an author spoke of a book called “Broken”. It was about a Native American named Stanford in Wyoming who became a quadriplegic at age 20. A truck accident put him underneath the truck and a rescue crane lifted the truck only to let it fall on him again. It took him 12 year of self trashing before he got into Sweat Lodge Healings. This was all very interesting for me to listen to in the darkness before dawn. After this stretch of the drive I began to get excited about snowboarding and I could not recall why I worried so.

I pulled into Placerville gas station to pump gas and to eat breakfast. I left with hot rice in the Tupperware and just two hours later, it was refrigerated cold and hard due to the outside temperature. I should have put it underneath the dash to keep it all warm. I was pretty excited about the snow and drove off.

On I50 I passed by a car that flipped going West 50 landing on East 50 at Kyburz, who skidded on a patch of black ice approximately six feet in diameter and slush on the middle of both lanes. Another reason to not drive in snowy icy conditions at night, just can’t see the black ice. Five rescue trucks were working the car. No one seemed heavily injured otherwise the rescue team would be quickly sawing the car doors open. After that sight no one continued to tailgate me. I paid close attention to ice and snow, even random clump is to be avoided.

For the first two hours I tackled the slopes fearlessly and craved the mountain like no tomorrow. Then I fell forward and landed on my chest lost all wind into my lungs, a total face plant and slid down the slope that way as the goggles burned into my face and scratched my skin. My face is swollen, purple and red. My goggles saved me from breaking my nose and popping my eyes and ripping my eyelids apart. I rolled away from the oncoming traffic and iced my chest on the side. I am totally grateful for the cushion of the chest protecting my heart and lungs and rib cages so I did not have broken ribs. Yup, this new black heavy duty jacket material really came in handy for this kind of wear and tear. I was glad I had nothing in my pockets to break and to bruise me or to cut me. A very young boy came by to check and see if I was alright, he was like 7 years old. That was very sweet of him to notice and super professional sportsman conduct for a 7 year old. I felt fine, I just needed to catch my breath or get regular air flow going. No matter, it’s all a part of learning, is to fall. I pressed on.

Next fall was thirty minutes later, I thought I could just glide because the experts makes it look like they are not doing anything and just gliding, I forgot to be in control and carve. In that moment I was also distracted, I was thinking about problems, people problems. The emotions that came forward in that moment were hopelessness, despair, sadness, heartache and pain. My footing was off and not ready nor was I in balance when I was going downhill on a sharp steep part of the slope. I fell backwards and first I bounced off on my tail bone, 2nd part of the fall I landed on my upper back shoulder and bounced off that, and then landed on my head, heard my neck snap and bounced off my head twice for the 3rd and 4th part of the impact.

I was in so much pain, I rolled to the side and iced myself on the bank for an hour. I just couldn’t move for that hour. I checked my helmet and made sure it wasn’t cracked from the impact. I felt my brains shake and hit the walls of my skull for the first time like soft jello. The human brain sure felt super fragile. Fortunately I had a hydration pack to cushion my spine from the fall. Without the helmet, I would have blacked out and I’d be in the hospital. This new jacket buttons up to the chin held my neck together like a brace. As I laid on the ice unable to move, I just refused to call it a day.

I finally got onto the board again and I didn’t get far before I had to sit and ice my tailbone, it was then I had to admit, I was done for the day. This really knocked me out. I could barely stand, but I refused to end it. I continued to ride in pain, I had no energy for joy or enthusiasm, and all know was I just didn’t want to quit. I was afraid to fall and make my injuries worse.

As long as I felt pain, fear was it’s siamese twin and I couldn’t shake either one of them off with my will power. I wanted to cry as hot tears welled up my eyes. I felt so weak. Complex deep old tears of the soul rose, I think I was crying about many things all at once, inexpressible with words or sortable with logic and language. What is crystal clear from today, pain is robbing me of life and sadness is killing me. I shall so something about this.

This day trip, I had to admit and accept was ultimately meant to be a day trip. I just don’t see how I can ride the next day with this injury.