Her Joy Was Contagious and Inspiring

Day 46 National Park 2011

I got up at 5am and brewed a beautiful cup of High Mountain tea.  I sat and thought about how the DRBA monk and nuns do it day in and day out.  I need the weekends, vacations, and summers off.  They just keep going all year long even in the winter Chan meditation.  The forest monks get three months rains retreat and regularly taking turns to take sabbaticals.  I just find them amazing and super human.  I feel defective in comparison, a weakling or something of that sort in comparison. 

I also thought about when I was six my mom told me to cherish book and knowledge as gold.  She wanted all her children to have a college degree and lead better lifestyle.  If only my mother didn’t give up on herself she too could have gotten more education as an adult and realize her childhood dream.  I wished the same for my father too. 

At 9am I went to the restroom and I saw the same teenage girls from China happily taking her time to take care of her skin by herself.  Last night her mother over saw her brushing and rinse of teeth like military training.  This morning she was on her own and her joy and efficiency of taking care of herself was inspiring and contagious for camping lifestyle. 

Camping is fun and good if you know what you need to take care of yourself.  It doesn’t have to be overwhelming drag of discomfort or inconvenience.  It’s only inconvenient if you are not prepared and don’t know what you need to be happy and stay healthy. 

Meditation and recitation today was about confronting struggles of forth chakra and below. 

I tried a can of Bartolli Roasted Peppers with crush Red Peppers for lunch, it was very gross.  I had to chuck it.  I ate cherries for lunch instead. 

I met a woman in the restroom and noticed she was lobster red.  She was washing and taking care of her skin and applying Neosporin on her skin.  I offered burn lotion to her.  Yesterday she did the hike to Muir Camp, base camp for Glacier Mountaineers, that is quite high in elevation.  She has been here since Monday and yesterday was the first sunny day and might be the only one for the week.  So she was not sun block prepared.    

Yesterday’s sun and today’s rain creates icy conditions along with fog.  Today I had plans to do that hike in snow without snow gear or ice gear.  I decided I didn’t need to climb Mt. Rainier in rain, wind, and fog on snow and ice without any snow gear. 

It is wonderful to listen to the quiet air and feel the cool damp overcast lighting on my skin.  I fell asleep during afternoon mediation.  My head was heavy.  It was a good rest and a struggle all in the same time.  I finally woke up two hours later. 

At 5pm I ate more cherries for dinner.  It’s been a very cherry day.  The blue sky was visible during this time. 

In front of the restroom an elder male was wetting his slab of pinewood, machine cut to the size of a long cutting board.  The bark was completely removed and he was wetting it to use it as a smoker.  What a good idea.  National Park wood is better than the ones from commercial stores.      

 

You know you are on the west coast when you see REI, Keen, Mountain Hardware, Osprey, and North Face products.  The rest of the country has access to other products that they are into.  It’s very different in the Rockies and Yellowstone. 

Belly was full of tea at 8pm and I was super wide awake with my nap.  It was a lovely night, a dry night.  I strolled around the campground.  The snow boots kept my feet toasty warm tonight on my stroll.  I stopped at the amphitheatre to listen to a ranger talk and decided I would continue on.  The stars were out tonight, what a treat!  The campground was lovely this evening.  I picked up a log of pine firewood that someone left behind.  It was a bit wet from today’s rain but it wasn’t bad.  I stacked it along with the rest of firewood I collected.  Collecting firewood from each place I’ve been in is a thing for me.    

 

  

Slug, That Was a Close Call

Day 40 National Park 2011

The tent is so damp that my roll of toilet paper is damp and fluffed out of form.  It isn’t better in my car either.  I hope my laundry won’t grow molds.

On the way to the restroom this morning I felt a cold squishy slimy bump on my right shoe, then as I put pressure on the shoe, I freaked out and kicked my shoe out.  It flipped and I realized it was a slug, I flipped it back onto its belly so it can continue to be on its way.  I am glad I didn’t squash it in my shoe. 

In the restroom, a young lady with brown hair came in and before she did, I found myself fumbling, dropping everything.  It was her angry energy that was traumatizing.  She didn’t sound angry.  She didn’t look happy.  She was loud and violent with her angry thoughts. Her aura smashed whatever that came across her.  I hope she feel and thinks better soon.  This is such a fantastic dreamy place, it’s such a waste to spend it in misery.  

The lighting at noon was beautiful today.  As I sipped tea, two young male elk showed up with new young antlers.  They grazed in front of me and then next to me.  They proceed towards my tent and then along the river.  They were gentle and startle easy.  They were happy wagging their black tail wiping it round and round.  This really is the best site to be at, sleeping in damp wet mud is worth it.  I don’t need to drive all over the place to watch them, they come to me. 

The short hour of bright green foliage passed as the sky grew dim grey at 12:20pm.  I strolled around in the rain and did art.  I don’t mind walking in the mud or cleaning the mud off.  It's like a novelty.  

Today’s prayer, “May these hands, feet, tongue, heart, mind, and spirit create Pureland of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas.”  That would be fun.  I would enjoy that. 

Chatter entered my mind in the afternoon.  In my internal chatter that raced, it all sounded lofty and everything well justified but I see through the lies, deceptions because they come from a place of pain and grip.  It tries to sell me fake peace and equanimity but I won’t be fooled.  It won’t be fooling anybody.  

This cold damp weather makes me want to meditate and do art. I couldn’t resist, I had to draw the rage, anger and the twisted.  I had to draw the poison, the toxins, and the shadows that has been hiding and lurking.

The solo Colorado young man looked so frail and brittle when he arrived on Wednesday.  He looked most at peace building fire for the night, cooking and reading his book.  He looked all closed up and shut down, very fatigued.  Last night another Asian middle aged man joined his fire.  They chatted past midnight.  When I saw him this morning, he was responsive, sat straighter, looked stronger, and so I waved and greeted him.  I am glad to see he got the rest and healing he needed.  Today he packed up and moved on.   I am happy for him that he is leaving better than he arrived.  I wish him well.  As he rolled off in his car, he waved goodbye and smiled. 

When I saw the numbers on the site board his number lit up and I camped across from him.  I was suppose to have arrived today but I would have missed him.  Maybe that was why I had to get here on Wednesday too.  Maybe that was the healing he needed, company and support without mingling, interaction, not even a slight acknowledgment of a nod or a wave.  To be doing the same things, mirrored but separate as individuals, without conditions, or demands.  Just so he knew he wasn’t the only one pursing liberation through this method and somehow that in itself was encouragement and support to keep going.  He too slept most of his time here and just sat in meditation of gazing into nature.  I am proud of him.  As I walked by his site, I noticed he forgot his rainfly.  I sent him a strong telepath to make a u-turn for his rainfly, he will need it.  I saw him cruising in joy to his next destination, heading into Port Angeles. 

A new neighbor brought a guitar.  Lucky me, I get to have music tonight, how delightful, what a joyful gift.  I really should dedicate time and learn an instrument, I do love music so much.     

 

He Was So Beautiful I Couldn't Look At Him

Day 38 National Park 2011

I woke up at 5am.  I didn’t get much rest.  My eyes were blood shot red.  My pad and sleeping bag are both damp and wet.  I felt a depression wrap the bottom left of my heart.  I prayed asked for a healing.  My hips hurt and burned all night last night.

The rainfly was very drenched.  I folded the tent and the foot print to keep the inside from getting wet. 

I stopped at Forks to shop at True Value Grocery store and had fresh baked La Brae sourdough bread.  It was hot and crispy, totally yummy.  I don’t know how I lost 90 minutes in the store.  It’s funny how everything in Forks is called Twilight this, Twilight that; Twilight firewood.  It’s quite funny. 

The sky was overcast with rain today.  I really like this weather.  Everything is beautiful here.  The road side is covered in rainforest trees and wild flowers.  My ankle hurt the whole drive over to this campground.  I found myself dizzy and exhausted after just 75 miles of driving today.     

At the Hol Rain Forest Entrance I saw a male buck elk with velvety antler this morning.   It was a beautiful adult elk.  I pulled into the pay kiosk and a ranger walked up to me, a beautiful, solid, stately young man.  He took my word that I had an annual pass and signaled me to move on.  I saw he was very concerned over the safety of the elk and humans.  This ranger was so beautiful, full of good character, integrity, and proper righteousness that I was afraid of looking into his eyes or at his face.  He and I actually conversed as spirits in the True Value parking lot.  He expressed how he would be overwhelmed by my generosity and lacked understanding of it,  he didn’t need, he didn’t want.  He is a “if we all took care of ourselves then no one else needs to extend and reach out because we are all capable self reliant and self sustainable” kind of a person.     

The Hol River water level looked low at the Hol Campground.  I picked Loop C and #75.  It took me three runs around the loop to decide on a spot.  I got a bit disoriented going round and round.  I did see a charcoal black rabbit this morning, it had giant hind legs that were light brown.    

There is one restroom per loop.  The restroom is rusty, old, has flush toilet, light, and outlet access.  No wash sink access here, it is locked.  People are using the potable water station for drinking water and wash.  The backpacker’s loop is full tonight.  The C Loop was almost full at 1pm with two sites left. 

So I pitched my very wet tent in the open meadow without anywhere to hang a tarp canopy.  The ground was muddy from the rain.  Getting the stakes to stay was a challenge in the mud.  I had to get over the fact that everything is muddy and damp outside and inside the tent.  Even my hammer rusted overnight last night.  I managed to set up camp right before the downpour. 

The visitor center parking lot was full too.  I spoke with two rangers, one of which was Mark Coon who went to Fremont High School and was the class of 1957.  Both backpacker rangers whom I spoke with had strong clear eyes.  Their spirits were beautiful.  They highly recommend I backpack to blue glaciers that it is the only hiking trail around here.  I felt uplifted after this at 1pm, my energy totally changed with strength of hikers and backpackers.  I then sat in the car and looked out the windshield to stay dry and view the campground while I ate lunch.  It really had the best view out of the entire campground in my opinion.  I so needed a nap.  I decided to recite and meditate sitting in the car and I ended up falling asleep for three and half hours.  I don’t know where I went or what happened.       

My tent was covered in mud splatter.  I decided I would not cook in the rain.  I was too lazy to put up a tarp canopy somewhere to set up shelter for cooking.  I don’t mind the rain, standing in it or walking in it or sitting in it.  It just feels so god to sit and not do anything in the rain.  I saw a lot of CA license plates here, it means I am getting closer to California.  A spot of blue sky opened up for 15 minutes and the closed up for the day. 

I finally got around to morning ceremony at 5:30pm.  The sky thundered and roared at 5:36pm.  With all this downpour, I sang my heart out in the car.  I am the only one sitting in my car, everyone else had a canopy for their sites. 

On my way to the tent tonight, I saw a black tail young deer grazing next to my tent.  I see why I chose that muddy open spot for my tent.  The beautiful animals come by, deer, elk, bunnies and others.  I didn’t look forward to getting into damp sleeping bag, it’s pretty damp, I’m getting damp from being in it. 

Miles Driven: 75 miles

Hours on the road: 1 hour 15 minutes

Titanic Water

Day 4 National Parks 2011

Yesterday’s water from the canteen was still hot with steam this morning at 5:11am.  The rain continued in the morning.  I am glad my rainfly held up.  Oh Mountain Hardwear, how dare I, who dared to have doubted your performance.  There is a reason why you are a three season very expensive tent.  And even after the beatings of last summer’s Arches National Park daily strong 50 mile per hour wind, you held it together, bent and deformed, but still intact!  I am proud of you, tent!

I ate Yaoshan instant noodle for breakfast with nori strips and a scoop of chocolate spread with darjeerling tea and sugar.  The sugar bag popped and there was sugar scattered in the food bin.

The sky was sunny and windy today.  At 10am, I set out for Cub Lake.  I came across Susan from North Carolina who is an occupational therapist.  Who I picked up right away as someone who is fatigued and sad about her life because she gives continually to others and not to herself.  Somehow only seems to speak one language of love.  As a result, so she didn’t and couldn’t receive love given to her by others in different languages.  I also picked up on how she wanted a reading.  I telepath her to chat with nature and get her answers.  That I am off duty, I am on vacation, and I am not picking up clients on vacation.  Later that evening I ended up telling her about me, to get the demand off me.  She said I inspired her.  That I give out of strength not in need, not out of poverty. 

10:35am I was at the start of the trail.  I did about 7 mile hike.  The trail was beautiful with Colorado River through the meadow, and Aspen trees on the trails.  The trail was mostly incline.  Parts of the trail was flooded and I had to climb and step carefully.  It was quite adventurous and fun.  A section had a big snow patch and a kid went crazy happy over the snow.  There were ants that bite and some other small insects with wings that bite too.  Ouch!

Rangers were building a horse parking area on the trail.  It was interesting to watch them work. 

Cub Lake was amazingly beautiful with the mountain as backdrop.  The lake was full of lily pads in a circular ring pattern.  The sound of frogs were music to my ears.  So was the sound of the creek running along the trail.  I swung out to the Cub Lake campsite to get a different view of the mountain and the lake.  

I walked through the mud and slush.  I had to cross logs, branches, and roots.  It was an off trail kind of deal.  It's all very exciting to explore and quite adventurous to me.  I fell through a section of snow and got my foot stuck underneath the snow.   That section of the snow covered logs and branches that locked my ankle in.  It was super reckless of me.  It’s a good thing I brought more than one pair of shoes, jacket etc… for this trip.  I got pretty physically bruised and scratched today on my off trail adventures.  I don't mind, it's part of this journey.   

I saw a yellow puffy bird with red beak.  Also a magpie bird with black tailcoat and a blue breast wing and white shirt chest with very long tail.

In my 5^th hour of hiking I found myself very fatigued.  I was getting sloppy with my footing.  My toes got caught in walking and tripping everywhere, it was a dangerous way to be on trails so late in the day by myself.  It is easy to make survival mistakes during such times.  I prayed that I wouldn’t. 

I dipped my feet in the river.  It was Titanic water.  Three seconds and my body wanted to hurl over into the river as a muscle reflex of contracting to the cold and pain.  I felt my head would pass out from this.  “No way!” was what I thought about people who fell or jumped into the Titanic water as it sank.  I did this three times to relieve pain and inflammation.  It just felt right, perfect to do so.  Like a religious cleansing, a transformative ritual, I prayed as I dipped my feet in the water  

Then I sat on a boulder in the meadow and recited Buddha’s name.  I asked the wind to bring light and dharma to all directions of the Dharma Realms, and speed up the healings.   

5pm was dinner time and I had Punjab Eggplant and Aloo Mutter, green tea and a scoop of chocolate spread.  

I was all set for bed by 9am.  I decided to shower in the family restroom.  It was cold and the process took a long time.  I had to keep re-boil the hot water for use.  Each time I stood to wait, I shivered in the cold.  The light would go out on its own out of sensory auto on and off detector.  I would have to jump up and down, wave my towel to try to get the light to come back on.  My eyes burned red from fatigue, my pelvis, back, and spine all felt sore. 

Today I hiked 7 miles

Time on trail 6 hours

Ate 2,000 calories       

Off Schedule

Day 19 Snowboarding
I finally rolled out at 5:48am, I am 12 minutes behind schedule. I had pumpkin soup. While walking in the dark outside the steps of the door, my foot stepped on something that cracked and it sounded like a shell of snails. I hope I didn’t. I think I did. I am so sorry. I wondered if I was on time in getting out the door, would I have missed this snail crossing. What if I stepped a little to the right or left, would I have missed it?

The drive without cruise control can be just exhausting. When I saw the rolling hills before getting onto 80, it just makes me happy. When I got onto 80E I saw lots of cars with ski and snowboards on the car and I get really happy and excited. I heard on the radio that chains were required. I stopped at Placerville to pump gas. I so needed to use the restroom too.

I saw a man next to my parked car putting on his chains. His name was Lucas. He has a condo in I89 and has plans for Kirkwood. The condo was booked for Friday and into the weekend. But 89 was closed and so he lost a night, he is from Oakland. I told him chains are like a two person thing and that we can help each other. I ruined my pretty manicure while doing my chains. I am sad about that. But what was worse was I used my injured arm and it made it worse. I was in pain. Lucas helped me to click the inside chains for me. After seeing me put bungees on my chains, Lucas decided to put his bungees on too. Bungees keep the chain from derailing off the wheel and destroying the chain, tired, and axle. I called Caltran and I89 was still closed for him. I hope he was able to get to where he needed.

I proceeded to Heavenly after rice and nori. I wondered as I ate, if I had been 12 whole minutes earlier and was on time, would have I missed Lucas or if I had stopped to pee at Sacramento instead? Lucas needed help with chains and a road status call on the phone and bungees.

Chain control was 12 miles from the gas station. Lucas was right about putting chains on dry cement in a parking lot, way better than by the road on black ice and brown snow. The last 70 miles of the drive took me 3 hours because the safe speed for chains is 25mph. There was ice on the road especially over Echo Summit. My ankle trembled the whole 70 miles all three hours in fear and worry of the road conditions and lack of experience. I decided I would not take the chains off because I need them this entire weekend and possibly getting up into Heavenly parking lot.

I made it to Heavenly at 12pm. I was exhausted. That last 70 miles and extra hours of driving time made me question my sanity for coming this weekend. At the parking lot I knew once I am on the snow I will forget it all, all this doubt, fear, fatigue and the dread of the drive back. I was right. I got on the lift at 1pm. The snow was like butter. It was like butter cream on a cake and there was plenty of it. I was so so happy, it was so much fun. The Sky lift was shut down due to high wind gusts. I spent my time on High Five runs and that was super windy too. I had to stop when I see mini tornados swirling 10 feet by 30 feet, swirling snow. It is very difficult to ride through or in the tornado swirls. It’s about a 7 minute wait and it moves on and breaks up, until the next one somewhere else.

As I sat and waited and watched the tornado, I prayed and asked the wind, “Please blow way my ignorance and desires and all unwholesome attachments, leave me clean with compassion and wisdom.” I sang the repentance verses and wait for visibility to return before continuing down the slope. The slope was lumpy and hard on the joints, lots of jumps and hops taken without skill or intention. It was exhausting and unpleasant at times. I did manage to do the connective” e”, that was nice, very satisfying.

Things I thought about on the snow today, what is unavoidable is the calling to look within and revamp the dysfunctional inside. I don’t actually know how really. I know I need time to focus on it, I can, I am capable, I have all that I need.

While on one of the lifts, I sat next to a man from Austria who told me to do Western Austria where there are lots of lakes good for hiking.

The arm injury is still around and so is the right knee on the left inside corner, both still hanging out. Yup, I will need to heal from all of this when the snow melts, while the snow is still good, I don’t want to go see a doctor who will tell me to lay off using my body and stay off the snow. The injured spot on my arm is dried plum purple grey. I think there is black blood sitting stuck there or maybe I just keep injuring it and making it bleed on the inside over and over. As for the knee, I have been icing it on the snow when I take breaks on the slope to keep the inflammation down.

I went for the free hot coco stand by the bus stop at the end of the day. It was yummy this time. Since lifts of CA to NV closed, lots of people stood in line for shuttle transfer. At noon upon arrival, I took the time to ask the driver about bus shuttle for tomorrow. The bus runs from the transit center at 8am and it takes 20 minutes to get to Ski Run and runs every half an hour on weekend before 2pm.

At the parking lot, I checked my chains, one is only at 3 knots and it’s too loose, which will ruin the tires and the chain. But both Lucas and I were not strong enough to click it closer. I felt male strength but I only saw a female, still I went with my intuition and I walked towards that car and asked, a boy in junior high turns around, her son, her son who kindly said yes and we tried without any success. His brothers showed up and he called for Andrews. Andrews was in high school and looked more like a grown man. Andrews along with his buddies were all at least 6 feet tall of the same physique, as if they all came out of the same factory molding. He too tried without success and went to his car to get a tool, a pair of pliers and was able to get in the 4th knot. I was so happy. I reached for the salt and vinegar chips and handed to the boys as thanks for helping me. Andrews passed the chips to share with his buddies. It all worked out, it was their favorite flavor of chips. I was glad. The mom stayed silent and looking disturbed, concerned, protective this entire time. I understood her and she understood me. She wasn’t all that comfortable but she dealt with it and was politely silent about it. Thanks Mom! Thanks for your patient nurturing love.

I decided I would go to Safeway and restock on the chips to stash for the trunk to give. Nothing is free in life and I am sorry about the first and second time the guys helped me and I had nothing prepared to offer and how I also forgot to do so when I did. The Safeway run after a day of snow is like a party scene. The place is packed full of visitors.

I was so tired by 7pm, I was also in a lot of physical pain, I had to lay on the bed and watch TV sideways.

Let It Go, Swo Pwo He

Day 17 Snowboarding 2011 Season
I woke up at 3am. I was so wired and ready to go. I rolled off at 4:35am after a bowl of instant noodles. I made it to Heavenly parking lot at 9am and did not leave the slopes until 4:20pm. California side of runs were ice and slush where as Nevada side had powder to ride on. During one of the earlier runs on the California side I had to sit in the middle of the slope because I was tired. I avoided the sides because riders tend to do jumps off the sides. I figured center is visible and people can avoid me. A guy yelled at me to move to the side instead.

At Nevada side, I felt so good riding off a slope all alone, quiet no traffic. I picked the right side edge of the run to ride on. Suddenly a guy on his ski came right behind fast and was parallel to me. He looses control and falls, I was glad to have dodged him and his fall. I slowed down and turned around to ask if he was okay. He held his arms out signaling I caused his crash fall and I kept riding on. I felt scared form that violent anger and confused too. There was no one else, just us on this wide open beautifully groom slope.

I decided to sit by the side to process this and recover from the incident. The guy passes by later and yells at me again. He claims I cut him off. I yell back in my defense, “You came up from behind, you are suppose to watch out for people ahead of you!” He goes on yelling, “Go back to bunny slope!” His friend rides by gesturing with his hands to ignore his raging lunatic friend.

I finished my run bummed and thinking, “I can’t seem to escape drama!” I then wondered if I should just quit snowboarding and Heavenly all together. I think too much sometimes. My sunshine day turned so gloomy, I sure was bummed. I then found myself freaking out and looking backwards as I head down the slopes, totally dangerous, got to look forward and watch where I am going.

I stopped and asked myself, “What is this person teaching me? Am I just like him going around looking for trouble just to blame someone else for what misery I have created for myself?”

I then felt sorry for the ski guy. He must have failed in his relationships with this kind of logic, habit, and spirit. I felt even more sorry for him for being on this beautiful mountain and not having a good time. How is that even possible?

Then I thought about violence is contagious and I better not catch it. My riding mantra became, “Let it go, swo pwo he”. I recited Guan Yin Bodhisattva’s name to calm down and enjoyed a piece of chocolate.


On my way back to the California side, I came across 3 teenagers who only spoke Spanish. They did not have snow gear on. One of them was wearing jeans, other a rain pants, all were on cotton hoodie. They asked if I could show them how to not fall so much and turn. I had so much fun watching them try and enjoy each fall every other second and laughing through it all.  Just like that the sunshine within returned.

When I made it back to California side, I took Maggie’s and came across a flat spot, not good for snowboarders. A young man slung me forward to propel me. I in turn try to slung him without much progress due to lack of arm muscle strength. So when I got to a section where I was so stuck I had to unbuckle my brace, I pushed him to propel him forward. It was so much fun, I felt like I was in third grade all over again.  Just like that the sunshine within brightened even more.

What else did I learn on the snowy slopes today? The rhythm I enjoy is peace, happy, fun, joy, learning, discovery, play. I learned that on my path, I will come across people sometimes and it is about setting them straight if they asked for it like the skier. Sometimes it is helping and teaching others like the 3 teenagers this afternoon on the snowboarding turns. Sometimes it's to receive help from others and return it like the guy who slung me forward. I can’t live life looking back, behind, past. As for service, there is opportunities everywhere.

My face looked purple, grey, with black spots, I think it was due to getting blasted from that one skier. My whole face is on fire. I felt so exhausted. I drove to Safeway and somehow spent $18. on dinner, I might as well have gone out to eat somewhere with a nice view and not even have to do dishes.

Sendai Tsunami March 2011

Morning after Sendai Tsunami in Japan

It happened last night PST. I heard on the radio, Pacifica had a evacuation for the other end of same tsunami wave reaching pacific coast at 8:08am. There was an 8.8 earthquake followed by 7.9 aftershock then the tsunami arrived at Sendai was half a mile, it swept Sendai all in one minute, super shallow but wide. It wasn’t the oceanic water that is so difficult, it was all the sand and mud and human clutter that crushed everything and everyone that the force came across. The tsunami leveled this city. People had 20 minutes to evacuate. All the electricity was shut off.

I hope the elderly and the sick and young were taken cared of along with lone recluse. Twenty minutes was enough time to drive up to evacuation sites up the mountain and if you didn’t have access to a car or if you tried to drive home to reach your loves to pick them up, it is difficult to say in such instances. Or if you were injured from the earthquake and had 20 minutes to run after, it is hard to say whether or not 20 minutes were enough time to do so. There were scenes of cars trying to outrun the tsunami and did not win.

What if you had elderly at home and infants?
Who can you carry and run? Who can you abandon?
And do you choose to stay because running and being the lone survivor is just too hard to live on after?
I don’t know, it’s a lot to process in zero flight second like that.

So sad,
I am so sad.

All day long I clinched my palms together trying to hold it all in, trying to keep it all contained. There was nothing better to do than to just pray for the rest of the day.

Please Hold My Hand

Morning Prayer for Today’s Journey

I am scared

Please hold my hand
Please walk with me until I can walk by myself
Please catch me if I fall
Please carry me when I can’t walk

I am ready to walk into my heart

I am ready to listen
I am ready to see
I am ready to clean
I am ready to mend
I am ready to heal
I am ready to light up darkness

I have to remember to breath

Cards For Service Men and Women

Went to Mercy Center Youth Gathering tonight. I was the only one there along with Sister Patsy. I was glad I went. What was she going to do with all those cards and snacks all by herself. I decorated cards and wrote gratitude and wishes for their quick return home. Ate way too much snacks. I so need to go off the holiday food fest thing.

Then I went to join the Taize. There were 6 pieces of instruments tonight; piano, mandolin, flute, violin, cello, guitar. I really liked the combination, what a treat it was. I don't know what it is, but the air, the chi, the meditation-prayer space is soft, spacious, and uplifting. It is better than any spa treatment.

I am a good chi junkie, addict. I just like to hang out in places, with people who have good chi. I just feel so free to breath, to exist, to think, to be. Most important, I do feel it is all going to be okay. It is a feeling of security, peace, refuge. I am so grateful for such experiences.

Then I joined some friend for badminton at Affinity Badminton Gym in San Carlos. I got a bit lost and took me awhile to find the place. It was almost 10pm before I started to play. So I played and played knowing my workout is short tonight. No matter, quality over quantity. I was able to pick up the doubles backhand serve tonight. I still have the volley drive down the court. I am able to hop a bit tonight on the follow through. I don't have any back hand to speak of. My side to side court hustle isn't too bad, not great, at least I can try. But my forward court footwork is totally lagging. I am gonna have to work on that. It would help a lot if I just stop to eat all this holiday junk, more sweet, more oil, more starch, more complex processed foods. I was seriously telling myself on the court today, "all this crap food is killing me! quit it!"

It is 12:30am, I am stuffed even after a workout. I am totally wired and awake. This is what happens after meditation, prayer, and a good happy workout. I get wired.

Illuminated Manuscript

Went to Taize tonight at the Mercy Center. Sr. Suzzane was on piano, while Sr. Jona was on the mandoline, and Zenni was on base. I think this is the first time I heard the mandoline at Taize, it was light and sweet. I really like it. It's gonna have to be on the top of my list along with string quartette. I noticed the illuminated manuscript framed on the wall. I really like classic pieces like this, the calligraphy and the illumination.

After Taize service, I was invited by the youth group to join them for a hangout. To my surprise their youth group were all in their 30's and 40's. I think I will join them next month at their monthly gathering before the Taize service. Good to meet nice new people.

Sher was late for the event and I had to go pick her up from Bart. I really didn't like showing up late to services and walking during the service or prayer. I just feel terrible and the anxiety and distress, just not good. But,..... that's how it was. She was late.

Adoramus te Domine

Went to the monthly Taize service at Mercy Center. Made it there early enough to do the meditational walk at the labrynth. It feels really good to do the walk. I felt cooled and soothed. The garden is pretty and had benches in nice little nooks to sit in. People are respectful when they enter this part of the campus and respect each other's practice.

After the walk I sat in front of St. Francis of Assisi and wondered what it was like when Jesus knew his disciple would betray him and yet he continued to gather in the last supper and served him bread and wine along with everyone else. Wondered what was going through Jesus' psyche.

The violin accompanied the piano tonight, one of my favorite combination. I felt I wouldn't cry tonight and was so sure of it, I packed some kleenex just incase. I sat next to an elder woman who looked bored in the dark and was crunching on candy or something during the service. Must of been caugh drops she was sucking on and swooshing around her mouth, pluckering away and then crunching and cracking. She probably couldn't help it. At first I tried to not be bothered by it all. And then when "Adoramus te Domine" began, I tears streamed down my face again. I no longer paid attention to the distractions next to me. I don't know if she stopped or I was too busy to pay attention. As it turned out she is a very gentle and a soft spoken person. So tonight's service for me only took up one sheet of kleenex. Not bad, I call that an improvement.

Taize

Decided to make it to Taize at Mercy Center. I went a few hours early to meditate in the garden and do walking meditation.

This image was dedicated to Father Thomas Hand who headed East West Meditation.

Saint Francis of Assisi is one of my favorite saints because of our relationship to animals. I miss Assisi, Italy.


On the grounds there are lots of old trees. I just like being around old trees. Especially sitting under one.





I am a fan of old school classical art especially Celtic stone work.


This rock garden is the entrance to the labyrnth.












My relationship to walking the labrynth is an interesting one. It really works every time and it goes like this. On the first circle in part way I would loose myself and forget. I would forget to keep track of how I started and where I've been. I would then doubt if I skipped a line and made the wrong turn. That some how I would not complete my circle in but end up circling out. Then I would tell myself, "it's okay, if that happens then just start over, keep going." I keep going and I discover I was right all along, I made it in. That I shouldn't have panic and doubted myself and I seem to always do this.

I circle outward. Part way I would loose myself and forget. I would forget to keep track of how I started and where I've been. I would then doubt if I skipped a line and made the wrong turn. That some how I would not complete my circle out but end up circling in instead. Then I would tell myself, "it's okay, if that happens then just start over, keep going." I keep going and I discover I was right all along, I made it out. That I shouldn't have panic and doubted myself and I seem to always do this, again and again. I sat down on a bench underneath an old tree and I laughed at myself while the mosquitos made a fiesta feast out of me. I didn't mind, I was having too good of a time to get caught up in the pesty mosquitos.


These women in the photo walked after me. I sat and watched them and I admired their strength. It made me want to walk again to join the group and be in their circle. A strong circle of women they are.






I love Taize, espeically by Sister Susanne Toolan. I was happy to come across her on my way into the chapel. She right away referred me to Sister Patsy's youth group. I would like to join the youth group but I'm not sure my birth age would qualify. But to Sr Susanne in her 90's I am a youth.

I cry every time at Taize. I didn't bring tissue with me this time because I was so confident I wouldn't cry. When the beautiful piano and the viola started the prayers my nose scrinched up and I knew I should have brought a box of tissue with me.

Here is their info.
http://www.mercy-center.org/programs+retreats/taize.html