Just Couldn't Stop Crying

Day 12

I woke up at 7am and noticed everyone was gone.  Only Valerie and Fab was still around packing up.  I asked James to help carry my stuff to the Chan Hall so I didn’t have to make many trips.  I sat on the steps waiting for a ride down.  Valerie Tseng inquired why I was sitting all alone while everyone was down in the Can.  She gave me a ride down with all my stuff. 

As I loaded my car I chatted with Jia Hwei from Taipei branch now a nun.  I don’t know her ordained name.  She asked about my mom.  Then I recalled how she was stationed in Gold Sage Monastery of San Jose as part of her novice training.  It took me a good hour to pack my car in a away that I can drive it and see too.  I was so hungry when I was done I dipped 3 slices of white bread into the tum yum coconut soup.  I then noticed, the nuns forgot their breakfast and dessert portion for their van.  That van is going to be hungry on one meal a day. 

Silver looked exhausted laying on the gravel in front of the Can.  I was able to roll off at 10am.  I made a wrong turn before getting on highway 101 and u-turned right away.  At Roseburg I pulled over and got gas, cleaned my windshield and used the restroom at Wendy’s.  It was a very warm sunny day.

I turned onto i138 East to Crater Lake National Park.  I listened to music on my itouch.  It was a pretty hot day.  I was tired from the week and from the heat.  At Diamond Lake, Umpqua National Forest, I pulled to the right shoulder to look at the map and put the car in park mode.  I smelled fumes and tried to drive it and then I smelled smoke.  I shut off the engine to pop the hood.  It was smoking.  The transmission was leaking a puddle on the highway.   

My body went into shock mode.   Why should I be freaking out?  I’ve got AAA.  But I couldn’t stop this body’s reaction of crisis.  My body was shaking uncontrollably. 

A Christian family pulled over, three cars, two dogs, and their boat to help me.  They helped me push my car off the highway to the shoulder.  I had no cell phone reception.  They gave me a phone to call AAA.  They were so nice, checking the car fluids and transmission for me in the middle of this heat, taking time out from their family reunion break to attend to me.  The father was going to give me his phone and have me mail it back to him when I return home.  I did not accept.  I knew as soon as I am out of the mountains via AAA pickup I will have reception.

I tried not to cry but I found myself crying and talking the same time.  It was strange to me.  What was so scary?  Why was I so scared?

As I sat in the car and waited for AAA, I wondered if I should camp out at Diamond Lake until Monday when mechanics are open for business.  People don’t work on Saturdays in Oregon.  Gas stations also close for the night.  But I saw that I needed to be at the auto shop first thing on Monday so I still needed to be towed this weekend. 

A park security came via the Christian family to come and support me.  His cell phone had reception so I used his phone to call AAA again to see what the holdup was.  He asked if I needed anything.  I told him I just needed to cry and I sat and cried in my car and he sat in his car with a/c and watched me cry.  I don’t know why I was crying but I knew I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling.  

I sat in the car and tried to recite but my head was scattered.  I kept nodding off.  Then I cried some more.  I decided to eat some food even though I didn’t have much appetite.  I knew with all this trauma or at least how I am experiencing it as trauma that I needed some food in my body. 

Two hours had passed and the tow truck was nowhere in sight, just 30 miles out and still no tow truck.  I used the security’s phone to call and it turns out the tow truck was inside Diamond Lake Resort campground via other entrance and I was at the i138 entrance on the highway.

Bruce my tow truck guy finally came, it was so late in the afternoon already.  He said the nearest choice is Coosbay 80 miles, Klammath 100 miles, Medford 100 miles.  That there is no real mechanic shop in Schmoldt where his boss’s tow shop is and that is also the so called mechanic shop AAA had told me was the closest.  He would take me there if I wanted to but that he himself won’t get his car fixed there.  His boss is a gambler and he gets 25% of what his boss makes on each tow. 

I had doubts on whether or not Bruce is running me around for money.  I felt a clear answer in me to trust these options Bruce has laid out for me and that I shouldn’t worry anymore, or stress or feel troubled.   

 I decided I would complete my travel and go to Crater Lake via tow truck and from there nearest mechanic is Medford.  This was how the decision was made on which shop to go.  The ways on how I go about making decisions, seems random and odd but somehow works out to be the best in the end.  Yes and this meant 100 miles for $348.

Bruce gave me a tour of Crater Lake National Park and told me stories and history.  It was a fun ride.  Not a bad way to have to spend tow truck money on.  Crater Lake water is beautiful.  I passed by the campground I would have camped in and had to pass it up.  The exit south of Crater Lake, the entire highway was full of campgrounds. All were beautiful. I could camp in anyone and be happy.  But I had to pass it all up as I passed by it on this tow truck.  I so wanted to be there, any one of those campgrounds would have been fine. 

Bruce told me he was single but has been living with his girlfriend for 12 years.  I reminded him that they are legally married.  He said she has a thyroid problem and gained a lot of weight that she is at 230 pounds with swollen legs.  That his mom died of liver cirrhosis and how his father died 6 months later of lung stuff from his early days of working in the coal mine.           

We arrived in Medford way past dinner time and in this summer sun the sky was still in twilight.  Medford is a big city for Oregon.  We pulled over to an auto parts shop like a Kragen in Oregon.  Bruce looked at my car and wanted to see if it was just something loose he can tighten for me or just replace a simple clamp or tube.

In the parking lot we saw two Hispanic male mechanics and spoke to them in my broken Spanish, “Pardoname, auydame por favor.”   They looked into my car and saw the leak was from the gasket and something about something from the middle of the car.  It all sounded and seemed sketchy.  They recommended that I go to a dealer how they don’t have the equipment to fix this quickly on their own out of their house.  They said they’d have to take the entire car apart.  This part sounded scary to me and that they don’t really know what’s wrong with my car.  They said they have Sunday as their soccer watch day and it’s church day and family day too etc.. basically they don’t have the tools or the time or the interest.  I asked about where to sleep for the night and one of them asked the other if he could take me in all in Spanish.  It’s old school hospitality and kindness that isn’t common practice these days in America.  I did not find this to be a good idea.  It would not be street smart on my end.  All my travel alarms of safety rang loud all at once even though I did not find either men to be shady.   

Bruce took me to a nearby motel close to the mechanic shop certified by AAA.  Bruce says this shop is great and being certified they uphold a standard of quality and the rate is also standard.  My dinky run down old  scary looking Motel is run by an Indian family.  I wouldn’t have agreed to stay if not for the Indian owners whose family also lives there.  It was $35. a night.  The man Harry gave me 2 nights for $77. Including tax.  Is there tax in Oregon?  I thought not.
  

Bruce recommended I take all that I need for the next two days and what I can carry back via foot since my car will be at the mechanics and my only mode of transportation is my feet.  My other choice was Ramada, Quality Inn etc…  They were all at $80 plus per night.  Plus they were all off the highway and this shop is in the residential, too far apart.  When all was done, my car safely unloaded onto the mechanic’s lot, it was already 9pm.  Bruce wanted to take me to dinner.  I passed.  It’s so late, it’s been a long day and I have no appetite.  The idea of it just felt strange.  

I went to the room and clearly understood why I needed more camp food and supplies and how that did not make sense to me when I was packing for the trip back in May.   It’s what I would need this weekend, in this motel, waiting for the shop to open.  It’s a good thing I had breakfast at least.  I was so hot I decided to just lay on the bed with lights on.  I was too tired to cry, finally.

It was hot today and at night the temperature was 92 degrees.  The place fortunately had A/C.

Why Isn't There an Abundance of Fruits and Vegetables In Oregon?

Day 47 National Park 2011

I was up at 6am and I rolled out at 7am.  I barely slept last night.  I shivered in bed for two hours before I decided to get up and add two more layers of jacket.  I hope this won’t get me sick.  On this lovely day the sky was clear.  I bid my goodbye to the state of Washington and Mount. Rainier National Park. 

I pulled over to Panamerican Farmers off HWY 12 and bought blueberries from blueberry farm.  It was yummy, large blueberries.  I also pulled over to a cherry stand and this stand had plump giant cherries for $5 a bag. 

The border of Washington and Oregon on both sides was difficult to cross.  I was a bit disoriented and the speed in which people move in scared me.  I made a decision to get onto i5.  A trucker behind me looked far enough for me to merge onto the highway.  But the trucker drove fast and it honked me from a distance for me to speed up, I floored my gas peddle but my car wasn’t going any faster.  

Portland is a port and I have learned on this trip I am not into ports and the energy of ports.  I got onto HWY 26 West and got gas.  I really love “no self service” at gas stations.  A guy pumped my gas and another washed my window.   There isn’t much going on in HWY 26.

It was 11am when I pulled into Taco Bell to use the restroom and eat.  It saddened me to see an old woman who should have retired but needs to work instead at a fast food place.  She was sweet, I liked her manners in customer service.  No one was rushed in their order decision process, no one was hustled and it was a long line.  I liked that.  There was attention and order to each person, an understanding and respect and everyone was willing to be patient for this decent civilized not so fast-fast food process because it was worth it.  She made you feel you were worth it and she too was worth the time and care in this transaction process.  It might be the only human interaction each person receives in a day that was treated with respect and just like that each person was honored.  You mattered just as much as the person behind you and that person behind too.  This was so beautiful to witness.  What gifts this elderly woman gave to all of her customers.  What an inspiration she is.  She is priceless and I am grateful to have been here to witness this. 

You would think in this amazing state of Oregon, so green, environment oriented, nature loving state that everyone would be vegan and that it wouldn’t be so hard to find vegetarian food or amazing produce, and at economical price.  Yup, it’s not like that, that exist in some fantasy, it’s not reality.  It’s difficult to even find fresh fruits. 

I finally arrived at i101 and head south.  I went from campground to campground and each was full.  I couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t like the energy in all the places until I reached south of Newport.  There were two beach state parks I liked just off the beach.  At Newport I took a happy break at Grocery Outlet to see what they had and use their restroom.  The restroom was lovely.  It’s these little things, they do matter and really make a difference. 

I was already at Reedsport and still I have yet to come across any vacant site.  I kept going south since I was four days ahead of schedule in meeting up with friends in Reedsport.  I drove past Coos Bay and sights of logging saddened me.  I was at Bandon and the Bullards beach state park was full too.  I was happy about shower there.  They only had biker site left and I had to walk in and was not allowed to park my car in the park.  It was a one way three plus miles on foot where I can park my car at the grocery store that allowed overnight parking.  The place was packed and each site was tight.  The nice National Park site spacing was all gone.  This place is an assimilation into civilization and mass public for me.  It was evident to me that I was not ready. 

I decided to proceed onto the beach and drive some more towards the lighthouse Coquille River Light formerly known as Bandon Light.  I saw a young man sitting on the beach in the midst of gusting wind and flying sand, alone and writing.  I parked at a picnic table and ate salad.  I went to the light house and watched sunset at 9pm.  What a lovely sunset.  I had to leave because the camp ranger locks the gate at 10pm.  The gates open at 7am. 

In the dark I saw in a distance headlights and I knew that was where I wanted to go.  I just didn’t know how to get there.  I drove and followed beach sign and because I knew I wanted to wake up and watch sunrise.  I parked at a circle facing the ocean and just slept sitting up in my car in the midst of beach houses.  I was happy to finally park the car and stop driving.  I was very tired.  I put all three sleeping bags on me to keep me warm for the night.      

Miles Driven: 496 Miles

Hours on the Road: 12 Hours  

Her Joy Was Contagious and Inspiring

Day 46 National Park 2011

I got up at 5am and brewed a beautiful cup of High Mountain tea.  I sat and thought about how the DRBA monk and nuns do it day in and day out.  I need the weekends, vacations, and summers off.  They just keep going all year long even in the winter Chan meditation.  The forest monks get three months rains retreat and regularly taking turns to take sabbaticals.  I just find them amazing and super human.  I feel defective in comparison, a weakling or something of that sort in comparison. 

I also thought about when I was six my mom told me to cherish book and knowledge as gold.  She wanted all her children to have a college degree and lead better lifestyle.  If only my mother didn’t give up on herself she too could have gotten more education as an adult and realize her childhood dream.  I wished the same for my father too. 

At 9am I went to the restroom and I saw the same teenage girls from China happily taking her time to take care of her skin by herself.  Last night her mother over saw her brushing and rinse of teeth like military training.  This morning she was on her own and her joy and efficiency of taking care of herself was inspiring and contagious for camping lifestyle. 

Camping is fun and good if you know what you need to take care of yourself.  It doesn’t have to be overwhelming drag of discomfort or inconvenience.  It’s only inconvenient if you are not prepared and don’t know what you need to be happy and stay healthy. 

Meditation and recitation today was about confronting struggles of forth chakra and below. 

I tried a can of Bartolli Roasted Peppers with crush Red Peppers for lunch, it was very gross.  I had to chuck it.  I ate cherries for lunch instead. 

I met a woman in the restroom and noticed she was lobster red.  She was washing and taking care of her skin and applying Neosporin on her skin.  I offered burn lotion to her.  Yesterday she did the hike to Muir Camp, base camp for Glacier Mountaineers, that is quite high in elevation.  She has been here since Monday and yesterday was the first sunny day and might be the only one for the week.  So she was not sun block prepared.    

Yesterday’s sun and today’s rain creates icy conditions along with fog.  Today I had plans to do that hike in snow without snow gear or ice gear.  I decided I didn’t need to climb Mt. Rainier in rain, wind, and fog on snow and ice without any snow gear. 

It is wonderful to listen to the quiet air and feel the cool damp overcast lighting on my skin.  I fell asleep during afternoon mediation.  My head was heavy.  It was a good rest and a struggle all in the same time.  I finally woke up two hours later. 

At 5pm I ate more cherries for dinner.  It’s been a very cherry day.  The blue sky was visible during this time. 

In front of the restroom an elder male was wetting his slab of pinewood, machine cut to the size of a long cutting board.  The bark was completely removed and he was wetting it to use it as a smoker.  What a good idea.  National Park wood is better than the ones from commercial stores.      

 

You know you are on the west coast when you see REI, Keen, Mountain Hardware, Osprey, and North Face products.  The rest of the country has access to other products that they are into.  It’s very different in the Rockies and Yellowstone. 

Belly was full of tea at 8pm and I was super wide awake with my nap.  It was a lovely night, a dry night.  I strolled around the campground.  The snow boots kept my feet toasty warm tonight on my stroll.  I stopped at the amphitheatre to listen to a ranger talk and decided I would continue on.  The stars were out tonight, what a treat!  The campground was lovely this evening.  I picked up a log of pine firewood that someone left behind.  It was a bit wet from today’s rain but it wasn’t bad.  I stacked it along with the rest of firewood I collected.  Collecting firewood from each place I’ve been in is a thing for me.    

 

  

Carrying Rice Cracker Through All These States Was All Worth It

Day 45 National Park 2011

I woke up at 7:30am and went to pee at the Paradise Inn.  It was a happening place full of people getting breakfast, hanging out at the fire place.  I still felt dizzy walking around.  I followed a ranger to the climber office that opened at 6am.  He recommended I hike and backpack in the snow if I had gear.  I waited in my car and closed my eyes for a bit waiting for Visitor Center to open at 10am.  At 9:30am the sun was out and everyone was taking pictures of the Glacier Peak in front of me.  I saw lots of climbers leaving at the trail head and lots of climbers also returning.  It’s a perfect day to be hiking in the snow.  But I was in dire need of rest and sleep.  My head was still spinning.  I just don’t think it’s safe for me to be walking or driving in this condition or hiking in the snow. 

At 11am I drive to Cougar Campground and noticed this new system for paying.  It is like a parking meter, credit card style.  I had to read and follow instructions.  There are six loops here and you have to drive through each loop checking each tag per site to look at dates of reservations etc…  This whole process took me an hour.  I finally finished pitching tent at 1:30pm.  I ate even though I wasn’t feeling hungry.  I think I was too exhausted to feel hunger.   

While I ate I saw a group of teenagers with gloves picking up random trash on the campground.  They looked bored and unhappy without playfulness or humor of youngsters.  I guess this activity isn’t on their top to do list for the summer.  I saw rice crackers would go to them and so I chased them down to surprise them.  The boy’s face lit up like a Christmas tree and life was back in his youthful body.  I told him he had to share.  He has never seen or had rice crackers before.  I guess I lugged that thing for him.  Just to cheer him up and reward him for doing good, in service and protection of nature.  It was all worth it.  My fatigued body and mind felt a warmth, a glow in my chest, my tongue tasted sweetness and my eyes felt peaceful and joyful.  That was so much fun.  

I crawled into my sleeping bag and a mosquito somehow made it in with me.  It buzzed all over.  I slept for three and half hours.  I got up at 5:30pm and I didn’t feel dizzy anymore.  At 7pm I convinced myself to eat a sandwich, I didn’t feel hungry but I needed to eat. 

The wash room here is dirty.  The restroom had electrical plug that was high up.  There is no hand dryer or soap.  There is cloth hook behind the stall door.  The right sink clogs.  The restroom is cleaned at about 11am.

Is it too late to drink tea at 9:30pm?  This cold weather required layers to stay warm including snow boots, so naturally a cup of High Mountain tea was a necessity to complete this perfection.  The sky was clear tonight, I had hoped to see stars tonight.  I missed them.  I sat and drank tea in the car to stay warm and out of attacks of mosquitoes.  I’ve got bites all over my face.  I felt tension in my body and I decided to meditate tonight.  

On a Car Ferry For the First Time

Day 44 National Park 2011

I got up at 6am and packed everything in 30 minutes.  I rolled off at 7am.  I felt ready to move onto my next adventure.    As I drove the sky was grey and I knew yesterday’s sunshine was a gift.  I stopped at Walmart in Port Angels and spent $33 on pasta, sauce, bread, salad, potato and chips.  I took one last look at Mt. Olympus and the Hurricane Ridge, ah….beautiful.  Honestly, I find it a scenic obstruction with all these concrete buildings, street lights, etc….. 

I followed an RV to Port Townsend, I figured it was going to the port where I wanted to go and this was a good feeling I followed.  I didn’t know where the ferry port was and this RV led me to it.  The ferry was $11.70 for 33 minutes to Courville.  I loaded my car onto the ferry for the first time, I was very excited.  Reservations had first boarding and the rest of us are on standby.  I parked in the reservations lane, I didn’t have reservations.  On the ferry, it was a rough and bumpy ride.  People got out of their car and went up to the deck.  I sat in my car, ate fresh hot rustic bread from Walmart bakery, crispy on the outside and fluffy hot on the inside.  When I stepped out of the car to put food back in the trunk I felt dizzy, ocean sickness and I knew why I had to stay in the car and not move around the ferry like everyone else. 

I drove to Anacar Port, it took me an hour after passing through lots of farms.  I stopped at a cherry stand and bought two bags for $11, delicious cherries.  It was the right size and sweet in flavor, I waited all summer for this.  Living in the Bay Area I am spoiled with access to best produce and fruits.  In traveling, that is what I miss the most. 

 I crossed the street to a café to use the restroom and to pay for a cup of hot water to make tea.  The restroom was clean and the staff gave me a cup of hot water for free.  I was feeling sick like an onset of a cold and the hot Darjeerling tea really hit the spot. 

The San Juan Island is $53 per car, a flat rate.  In terms of time and directions it really didn’t make sense to travel up this way.  I even thought of turning around at the toll booth.  I followed what I saw and I got in line for the ferry, ate cherries, and drank the tea.  I loaded onto the second deck of the ferry.  I saw chromates on the nest by the window harbor.  I slept the entire one hour ride to the island.  I was so tired, I had been driving nonstop for six hours, and I was feeling ill. 

I got off at Friday Harbor, San Juan Island, it was a sunny and beautiful day.  The port looks like any touristy port.  I first went to the west part of the island where the locals said the best view of the Olympus mountains and Canadian islands were.  I had no idea where I was going, I didn’t have map, just followed the feeling of adventure.  It worked out well.  I mean it’s a small island, just don’t drive off the cliff, stay on the road.  I drove to the coast looked at the cliffs, passing farms, state park, and made a u-turn into the San Juan County park.  I needed to use the restroom.

I walked to the edge and looked out at the other islands and Canada.  The campsites were all full here.  Filled with extended families who reserved and brought their giant BBQ double grill set, actual couches facing the ocean to whale watch.  I hear this is the spot. 

I met a high school councilor from Santa Barbara who takes this trip every year and stays at this campground.  She said she was at the school for seven years and was laid off this year due to budget cut and then rehired or reinstated.  I helped her set up her tent in the wind at the walk in site.  She needed a hammer too.  This was a great place to camp on the island in terms of the whale watching. 

I decided to not camp at this part of the island.  I decided to leave the island.  The feeling of the entire island is nice, “You can rest your weary soul and body here, you will be safe and it’s alright.” “Thank You for the offer.” I responded.

Towards the end of my journey on this island, I had to pull over to the side of the road and contemplate the subject of sensitive, turbulent relationships that arose with affliction.  I thought about ideals and  projections people place on each other and expectations from things neither party agreed to or sign up for or is even aware of.  It’s all based on assumptions that somehow our own internal world of workings is the only one and that the rest of the world is to follow our own rhythm and command, like the flow of gravity.  With such demands of, “Well, why wouldn’t they?  Why shouldn’t they?  How dare they don’t?”      

I thought about what a monastery is for, it’s a place to plant blessings and connect positive affinities. I thought about what to follow, it’s the sound of wisdom and compassion, and not any one person.  With such conclusions, my island tour came to a completion.

I parked my car in line for the 6:30pm ferry at Friday Harbor.  I went for a quick stroll around the port and did window peeking.  Everything is overpriced.  I ended up at a café and had their vegetarian cauliflower fennel soup for $5.  It was hearty yummy.  I tasted cauliflower, fennel, sweet potato, a touch of tumeric, cumin, carrots, celery, peas.  I set the leeks aside and the chef said leeks are suppose to clear fungus and so is garlic.  I told her it give me bad gas and she was less offended by my lack of willingness of eating it.

The ferry loaded up at 6:16pm and rolled off at 6:25pm five minutes ahead of schedule and docked at 7:32pm.  I was parked next to the roars of rumbling hot generator.  A nap for an hour on the ferry was just what I needed. 

I drove to i5 and listened to the radio.  It rained and I made it back to Seattle at 9:30pm.  The buildings were all in slate grey and dim, set against the tungsten blue sky with layers of various rain clouds in different density accenting the sky that reflected the ocean and city lights.  Wow, what an amazing beautiful scene.  I could just park and watch the city change colors.  The image was so vivid.  All hands on wheel on this wet road conditions and I didn’t try to photograph this while I drove trough Seattle complex curved highways of many changes.     

Trying to connect to i410 was complex, I got lost over and over in Kent, Auburn, and Enumclaw.    I stopped at Auburn to get gas and to find a clean restroom.  The Albertson’s toilets lock at 10pm.  I had to keep driving and then stop at Enumclaw to use the Safeway to get produce at 11:30pm and use the restroom.  I contemplated sleeping in the parking lot.  I was somehow not tired so I kept on driving for the next three and half hours until 3:15am.  Although I was tired at 1:45am I kept on driving.  Yes that was dangerous considering how tired I was and the road condition was foggy.

In the White River area, I saw lots of women, ghosts wondering about for the past century.  They looked desolate.  Some of them were mix native.  They looked confused.  They lived in confusing times back then. 

Even in the dark, I can feel the beauty of Mt. Rainier National Park.  No visible moon tonight.  I saw three deer at three different times.  I had to drive in dense fog for 2 hours in the park.  I had only twenty feet visibility.  The good thing is there was no other traffic, I was the only car on the road.  It was a very dangerous driving condition.  I drove super slow.  I was pretty determined to get to Cougar Campground but I didn’t find it with three different attempts.  I finally pulled over at the Paradise Inn and rested sitting up in the car to wait out for day light. 

Super cold here, all snow, the grounds are all wet from snow melt.  I am amazed how I am alive and that my car is okay and that no animals were hurt.  I was hoping to see cougars and bobcats at night.  They might have seen me and dashed away.  In this fog, I can’t make out what is what and where is what.  I felt dizzy and my body felt like it just got off a ship, swinging, spinning, and still moving. 

Miles Driven: 456 Miles

Hours on the Road: 16 Hours

Restroom, the Nightly Hangout Spot

Day 43 National Park 2011

Woke up at 6am but I didn’t roll out of bed until 8:30am.  Opened my eyes and saw the sun shine through the tent window and said to myself, “If only I had gotten up at six I would have noticed the sun and I sure would have enjoyed that much more sun today and the sunrise.”  I recited and meditated.  I noticed my body was tense from all the distress of all the things I wanted to get done by 10am and it just wasn’t going to happen because I did not get up at 6am. “It’s done, it’s too late, let it go,” was all I could tell myself. 

I squeezed fresh orange juice with five oranges into 32oz bottle to pack for my day trip.  Seeing how the sun was out, I took paper towel and wiped down my tent to get as much mud off the outside and for the inside, as much puddle as I can.  The mud rolled into clay balls when I wiped.  I had to get over how muddy I was becoming in this process and how the mosquitoes were having a feast over me.  In this process of cleaning I also found pee spots from birds on my rainfly.  This morning’s challenge was to not complain and get upset or fuss over the things that still had to be done or the process of it.   

I rolled off for La Push village and Second Beach at 1pm.  Second Beach is a part of Olympic National Park.  The zoning in this area, in terms of what belongs to who is difficult to navigate without a map as private land and enterprise seems to mix in.  When I entered the area of Olympic National Park, I felt I hit the zone, the bubble of protection for National Parks.  It’s clean, it’s clear, and has a standard of pristine chi that is recognizable like a good Chan meditation hall. 

The trail of .7 miles into the beach through rainforest terrain was beautiful on this sunny day.  I missed the sun.  I looked at the ocean and thought to myself how I can spend a week on the coast like this. 

After La Push I went and did Twilight tourist things.  I saw the following signs,

“Jacob Black Vacation Rentals”

“Treaty Line, No Vampires beyond this line”

“Twilight firewood”

“Bella First Aid”

Lots of menu items are named after Twilight characters.  I followed the Twilight tour map from the Visitor Center.  I drove to the hospital and there was no Dr. Coullen Sign.  I drove to the Swan House and it really wasn’t it.  Neither was True Value Outfitters where Bella worked.  The only thing that was true to the movie was “Welcome to Forks Sign”. 

I ate at the super market, the only one in Forks, I ate out of the deli.  I didn’t want to cook and I wanted something hot to eat, not a good choice as most super market deli are the same mostly fat and carbs. 

At the parking lot I saw local native Quilout.  They looked Chinese Philippino Pacific Islander, I see why people assumed I was local.  They looked angry, unhappy, and miserable.  I wondered which came first, their addiction to pain and grief that brought them to this life as native Americans in reservations or the other way around?  Is pain, suffering, misery the only history they have, the only stories to tell?  Make new history, stories, and cultures!  How was their experience different than all the Chinese tribal villages of the past 5,000 years of war, unrest, change of culture, killings, and lost of land?  The road sign says, “Don’t DRUG and Drive.”  There are big flashy casinos everywhere.  There are more casinos than grocery stores.  That sure says something about the states of Washington and Montana.  There are giant Casinos with road kill giant flashing Las Vegas multicolor fancy electronic images billboard that lights the street instead of street lights.  Am I the only one who sees something is terribly wrong with this?  I don’t understand.  I thought the natives are suppose to be spiritual, full of wisdom that others look up to.  What is freedom?  Is freedom to hunt and log enough?  Are drugs and alcohol and gambling American’s freedom?   

It’s a Monday and when I got back to camp at 7pm, all the sites were filled.  A male deer had dinner next to my tent.  He was beautiful with velvety antler.  I tried to meditate tonight, I struggled through it.  I was just too tired.  I think it was all the junk food I had at the deli, all grease and sodium and microwaved.  I picked up second wind in the restroom after heating up hot water to wash my hands and face with.

In the restroom I met Girls Scout kids from Cilbourne, Georgia troop 1640.  They are bright girls. I chatted with the staff and one complained how my day was better because I didn’t have eight girls with me.  This restroom chat room was becoming a nightly thing.  It’s like the coffee shop, pub hangout, it’s the hot spot, the happening place at 11:30pm.  I noticed when people commented on my clothes and things I had, that it wasn’t about the things themselves, it was a female acquaintance friendly way of validating, in awe, seeing exchange saying, “You exist and you are beautiful”.      

I thanked the park for their support and hosting my growth and transformation during my stay here.  I told the bugs I was leaving and it would not be my fault if they are injured and died during the process of tent packing tomorrow morning.  The rain was not the lullaby that sang me to sleep tonight.  The birds and the river was my lullaby.  How wonderful I finally got to listen to them on my last night here. 

Laughing Silly Over Rice Crackers

Day 42 National Park 2011

I sat looking at the campsite fee envelope, I thought about how I should not be afraid to move on.  It is time to no longer linger here.  So I had to put the envelope back for some other happy camper to use.  It was a dry night tonight and this allowed my tent to dry up somewhat.  Mosquitoes are out in full force everywhere.  A neighboring tent aired out their tent to dry without a rainfly.  I wondered if I should do the same.  But I didn’t trust this period of dry, so I left my rainfly on the tent and it rained.  Someone will return to a very wet tent, sleeping bag and everything else in their tent. 

The river with smoky mountain top was dreamy to watch.  This trail had interesting trees, logs, and creeks that waved beautifully.  A male deer strolled through the trail.

While on the trail I heard, “Don’t worry so much.  Don’t think so much.  Just keep your mind focused on reciting.  Lean on the Dharma.”  Alright, then I looked at the mountain and said, “ I won’t see the peaks in this weather, near or far.  I am leaving the bad guys with you to cross over and to recycle to benefit.  They are not leaving with me.  Thanks!” 

I returned to camp drenched and cold and I was glad I didn’t do the 17.5 mile Glacier Meadow Trail today or anytime this week.  The first 9 miles seems alright but the last 4 miles inclines 4,000 feet just past Olympic campground.  That part is a challenge.  I am also still injured.  Regardless of the injuries, it's a tough hike.  

It rained four inches this week, the sum total for the average summer.  It doubled the summer’s rain count and it is still pouring. 

It took me two hours to notice I have been shivering in my wet clothes.   My softshell jacket was drenched through, it doesn’t work well for downpour.  I was so cold I put on layers just to warm up. 

In the afternoon I happily looked forward to breaking into my last bag of rice crackers.  I looked at the ingredient list and noticed there was fish in it.  I was crushed, crushed over rice crackers.  The things that takes someone who has been in isolation and solitude near the edge, who knew it would be rice crackers.  I sang to myself, “It’s okay, It’s gonna be okay.”  Then I broke out into silly laughter for the next hour.  It’s really time to move on.  I had fun laughing myself silly.