Young'ns

This evening I saw Toure and Nancy his girlfriend.  Nancy wanted me to sign a paper for her as her guardian parent because her mom won’t.  I don’t know what it was but I refused.  I am not her guardian.  I am not her mom.  If her mother refused to agree to an activity and she is underage to participate, why did she and Toure think I would?  I saw in Nancy, Toure, and John’s face and expression of hurt and lack of understanding.  I don’t know what else to say in regards to this.  Ah...Youth!

Garden Birthday Party

I had black tea and baked goodies to accompany me in watching reruns of royal wedding today. Then I went to Berkeley. Upekkha and Lauren hosted a birthday party for Jason Tseng in their garden. Upekkha single handedly made all the food while Lauren made the cake. Everything tasted very yummy and it was a wonderful lovely experience.

Sleeping in My Dream

Dream

I am sleeping, all of a sudden a man jumped, I was alarmed and woke up.  He sprayed me with bloody stuff.  I was totally disgusted and fully awake.  His younger brother walks past me.  I ran and got myself cleaned up.  Yuk!  Disgusting! 

Not a Royal Enough

I did not get up at 2am to watch the live broadcast of Will and Kate’s Royal Wedding.

I went to Amy’s place to help curl her hair as Laura worked on her face for test runs in preparation for her wedding.  We did different things to see how a veil, no veil, head piece etc.. would work.  We went to Thai restaurant for dinner in Mountain View. 

Everyone wanted to know where I was going for the summer.  I really don’t know yet.  I don’t usually know.  I’m not a good planner.  I just roll with it when the time comes.  It helps that I like many things.    

Just Change

I came home and felt a sticky, stuck, filmy, grimy, angry stuff in the air.  Something did not feel right.  I decided to dust, clean, rearrange the room.  This made me feel way better.  

Sometimes it is not so important to know and identify exactly what it is but what to do about it to change is more important.

Joyful Giving and Joyful Receiving

I went to Teance, Yadolla was there and I took over the tea bar while he went upstairs to rearrange the talk space.  I enjoyed helping out.  I can imagine it is a very long day for them and the hosting of this event is voluntary and very gracious of them.  Yadolla asked me to help with tea during the talk.  I brought Belgium chocolate to share with everyone.  People rush to get here from work and for some, they did not have time for dinner.  I always find myself joyful from Teance evenings.  Yadolla handed me a bag of tea of which I declined and then decided to ccept.  The joy in his giving was joyful to receive.  It was a sweet evening. 

Ejected

I found myself pissy today, I felt so tired and took a rest on a chair for an hour and half.  I was so out of it I passed out.  Then at 5pm I was tired again.  I was in a lot of pain with back and arm injury.  I was done at 5pm, had to call it a day. 

Today I was so ill I prayed to Ten Thousand Buddhas Repentance Sutra and closed my eyes, I saw a black being fly out of my lungs area.  It ejected up past my head and casted a black shadow. 

Trying to Take It All In One Last Time

Snowboarding Day 29 End of 2011 season

I woke up at 5:11 and snoozed 3 times.  I made myself get up and hit the snooze button three times.  I have this snooze habit I would like to change. 

My eyes were red from not getting enough rest.  I can rest tonight and tomorrow after I get home.  I had a headache that started to flare up.  I felt dehydrated, over heated, inflamed. 

I was at the parking lot by 8:35am.  The sky was dark and grey and it was snowing.  Hardly any traffic on the slopes this morning.  The silence and the stillness would have felt a bit scary if not for the knowledge of the presence of amazing Heavenly resort staff. 

There was powder everywhere.  I spent my time circling around trees going between threes, going underneath branches ducking, riding on buttery powder. 

The Sky lift was closed so it was all canyon express.  The lanes for the lift was super icy, people fell, I fell each time too.  It was very dangerous.  People commented how ice skates would have been better. 

I kept looking at the trees knowing without this snowboard, I would not be in these steep mountains.  I tried to memorize the visuals, the feeling, the smell, the sound, it will all look different next season.  I will rely on these recalls for the next half year because I will miss all of this while I am away from these woods.  I wrote thanks on the snow in gratitude to the mountain, nature, all we went through in the past 6 months together.  

Black diamond, I couldn’t even imagine it, and here I am graduated from bunny slopes to blue diamond slopes.  It all happened because I trained and clocked in hours on the slopes with dedication and encouragement, support of this staff and nature.

2:20pm, it was time to go home, it was time to part.  I ate bread with sundried tomato artichoke spread and drank hot chocolate.  I didn’t roll off until 3pm.  I wasn’t exhausted, I felt good.  The first 75 miles drive home was difficult.  It felt like a super long journey.           

Peace and Quiet

Snowboarding Day 28 Season 2011

I made it out to the lift at 9:30am. It was all powder 5 to 7 inches of powder everywhere. It was just a winter wonderland. It’s like Christmas, all the trees were covered in powder. I snowboarded until 3:50pm. I spent all my time in the woods, circling trees, crossing the woods in powder. I was so tired my legs burned, my knee swelled. I fell on powder in the woods. I loved sitting on powder. I had so much fun circling trees, going between tress, underneath branches, time just flew by. Six hours did not feel like six hours. I didn’t want to waste time. I spent it all on the powder riding, it was thick and buttery powder, just fun. My body was so tired and I had so much fun that at the end of the last ride I found myself laughing giddy. It was a combination of fatigue, relaxation, joy and all day of happy chemicals kicking in. When I left on my last ride I found myself in need of making vocal sounds so I can be heard for safety precaution due to the lack of visibility.

I really wanted a photo of me in the woods. I located the self timer button and had it all set up for me to click then push off and ride on my board. I dropped the camera lens down on the powder. I tried to dry it off. I ended up having to get down to the restroom to use the hand blower to dry the lens off. I hope it helped. I hope that did it to save it.

The powder today unlike the other day, it was icy and in strings. The other day it was powdery round. I laid on the snow and made a heart shaped snowball. I had fun tossing powder in the air, it was fun.

I realized I better enjoy the trees because there are no mosquitoes. It is rare to be able to just sit quietly still for awhile and enjoy the trees and the scenery. Usually the mosquitoes become an encouragement to not be still. These woods, I would not have access to without the snow, it really is not good for hiking, way too steep.


Broke my brace, ridding on one brace, super dangerous but I don't want to stop ridding.

I was so hungry, I finished all my Indian pouches. It’s cold today. It was only 10 degrees in the mountain. Most people were cold and wet. The NOAA site said 50’s but at ten thousand feet with snow and wind, it’s a different weather system than down at the lake.


Contemplation tonight, “It’s all okay, most of all, I don’t want turbulence. I am clear and honest with myself, I am not cut out for all this. I just want peace, quiet, joy, warmth.”

Benefitting Indiscriminately

Snowboarding Day 27 Season 2011

I woke up thirsty with my tongue inflamed.  I did not want to get out of bed.  I realized, I am at peace.  I woke up peaceful.  I didn’t wake up fearing what other people’s mood is in or how I’ll get harassed. 

I made blood orange honey juice for breakfast to cool down the inflammation.  I noticed I felt sick, sick in my 5^th chakra, sick in my immune system.  It’s a definite toxic attack.

The day started heavy, while reciting, the strange raging anger flared up.  

Morning contemplation
What is the root that fed the growth and creation of the leaves of these anger and rage?  I must dig into this in my meditation.  I can do it. 

If what is on the outside isn’t true and nothing is left for me to do.  Then I should pull back, don’t get lost and follow.  I should look inside and see the movements of the mind, protect and clean up the mind within. 

I finally headed out and was at the Aerial Tram at 10am.  I handed two $50 vouchers to a group of guys so they saved $84.  I then step up to the wait line and turned around to look at the ticket office and there was a flash flood of people getting tickets.  I saw a young 10 year old boy looking at me with his father buying tickets.  I saw him looking at me wondering what happened to the coupon deal.  Yes I had wanted to give to the father of this child but I didn’t see them then.  So I went ahead and gave away my four buddy passes of benefitting indiscriminately.  My only criteria was that they be there at the window when I am there. 

Sky lift was opened, I found yesterday’s powder to be today’s snow.  Still I searched for the powder deep in the woods.  It was cold today and I could have used a thick mask for single digit temperature.  Then it snowed some more when the thick grey clouds moved in and it was a total white out as snow dumped out of the sky.  It was cold.  Within an hour an inch to two covered the slopes.  And just like that the entire mountain was a different place a different experience.   There was powder everywhere.  The mountain looked like it was covered in white chocolate fondant.  I started to hoot and hauler and sing, “ love, love, love this…”  All the way down the mountain through the trees.  I had fun zig zaging through the woods.  Most of all I loved looking at trees, talking to them and watching the powder fall.  I had to keep the powder from getting into my loose pants, neck, into my goggles.  I didn’t want the day to end.  At 3:30pm it was so whiteout I seriously found it dangerous to be on the mountain.  I could not see at all.  Good thing I was already on my way to the tram.           

"Standing In Her Light"

Snowboarding Day 26 Season 2011
I stayed up last night until 12:35am watching NBA game, Lakers finally won. It’s not even hard but somehow they were sluggish the first game and lost to the weakest team.

My back heart chakra was in pain, swollen and my tongue where the heart is had a sore. I prayed for a help in healing. As for my complexion I looked the best today. It was 10am when I decided I needed to drink blood orange juice with honey as medicine. I ate a few pieces of chips for breakfast.

I have not felt this good, this clear, this stable, this aligned with body, heart, emotion,and spirit.  I had hoped to get into it this summer with the travels but here I am, I am already here.  Check!  Done!Off of my to do list.

Morning Contemplation
All I had to do was stand by what I see as truth and breath through the lies that I had accepted as truth as is, all out of trauma, shock, and fear. I didn’t stand my ground. I didn’t stand by me. I didn’t honor me.

Both Sky and Canyon lifts were on hold due to high wind, 65mph. I finally left for the slopes at 12:35pm. The blue sky was out and I felt a great peace and fullness within. I felt in sync and healthy. Something I had hoped to achieve this summer with my summer break. I didn’t know it can happen now.  Check!  Done!  Off of my to do list.

When I made it to Canyon lift, the Sky lift was moving on a test run but it wasn’t ready. So I enjoyed the powder off Canyon Slopes and there was powder everywhere. I was so happy, joyful, having so much fun. I felt high on powder. I felt my cells tickled silly in delight. I was smiling the whole time going “Woot Hoo!” down the slopes.

I went into the woods and enjoyed riding in between the trees and underneath branches. It was an amazing day. I felt so grateful for the powder Gods making this possible. I felt so blessed to experience this. I didn’t want the day to end. I can’t believe this gift was happening. I am so glad I stayed this week, I am so glad I am here.

Today a man smelled of weed pulled up on the lift line and I decided to let him ride and wait for the next row of seats. I didn’t want to inhale his weed on the very long Sky lift. I am glad I did so. I am glad I did not choose to be miserable by going in proper order of the lift line.  Having to sit next to him meant getting toxically sick and having to detox the rest of the day from it. What a lost of time in my life it would have been.  I am glad I did not subject myself to such misery. I am glad I protected myself and took care of myself.

I caught Oprah Best Friends show where Gayle said, “I have never felt like I stood in Oprah’s shadow, I have always felt I stood in her light. I think it is because I am a happy person leading a happy life.”

Wind On My Back

Snowboarding Day 25 Season 2011
Fell asleep again with lights fully on last night. I woke up at 5:45am and finally rolled out of bed at 6:45am. I didn’t know I set the fridge at freezing, all my strawberries froze and so did my oranges.

My face this morning finally looked rested and healthy. It has taken three full days to detox from my life. My vacation officially starts today.

Morning Contemplation
Life is like school class curriculum. What you don’t do, don’t learn, the class curriculum continues to move forward. You either master it or fall behind on your own life curriculum.

I learned the Aerial Tram Starts the day at 1:30am and shuts down at 5pm lifting cargo etc..

I made it out the door at 10:35am and so that was how it was. The wind was strong, I took the tram. The World Cup lift and Gun Barrel slopes were all closed due to slush. Sky was closed on wind hold. I spent my time on Canyon lift, the slope was icy and slushy. The wood was icy too, so glad I was in it when it was powder earlier this week.

When I got onto Patsy slope, I found myself say, “I love snowboarding!” I found my joy after 3 days of adjustment or detox from my life. I found my rhythm on the board. I sat on the ice to view the beautiful trees and the lake, I love just watching the clouds move and people watch too.

I sat on Snow Beach for a good 45 minute doing people watch and sun bathed. My right knee was hurting and I didn’t want to leave the mountain yet.

I felt wind on my back and wondered if I had ripped my pants. I then noticed the elastic bands broke. It created 3 inches of pocket for cold wind, snow, ice to get through. I see why I was eyeing for a new pair of pants yesterday. I did pack a sowing kit and if need be I can sow or duct tape to get through the rest of the week.

I watched Oprah on “I Am” the movie, “If you are not living your heart’s calling, passion, then the heart dies a little each day.”

I finished the Oregon retreat menu. I will have to tweak it here and there to adjust quantity and whatever other changes that comes up.

Don't Piss the Waitress Off

Dream

I was invited to a vegetarian lunch.  I was sitting with Winnie chatting away when we were suggested to go and sit at the dinning table to begin the meal.  I had hoped to continue to sit next to her but all of a sudden I could not tell who and where Winnie was.  Two other tables all waved for me to sit with them.  I decided to walk past all those welcoming tables in order not to offend anyone and sat at a table of four made for eight.  Food came, I ate and everything was yummy.  People at the table were not vegetarian and vented about having to eat vegetarian food.  They gave the waitress a hard time for the misery of eating vegetarian food.  I sat in the company of pissy guests who enraged the waitress.  As a result the waitress took away all the food even though I said I’d eat it and loved it.  She was mad.  I told the table that it isn’t the waitress’s problem, it’s the chef if they are unhappy.    

Museum in the Heavens

Dream

On the top floor of the monastery, of which does not exist in real life, and it is an art gallery, a kind of museum.  There was a meeting about name cards for each piece.  I suggested there should be a card holder stomp or column, away and off the artwork.  I was ignored as I was chewing gum and talking the same time.  I ran and left the meeting to dump my gum.  A guy at the door suggested I give him my gum so I can stay in the meeting.  I refused and left the meeting because I found no one listened to me anyways.  The stairs down to the first floor was a sharp descend, a total vertical drop.  It was like a museum in the Heavenly Monastery up in the sky or something. 

Is Mercury in Retrograde?

Snowboarding Day 24

I slept from 12:35am to 7:17am. I woke up with clear complexion, red eyes. Red eyes most likely from eating so late last night. I woke up sneezing and with a bloody nose too. It was very strange this morning, I couldn’t seem to locate the contact lens I picked up from the case that was on my finger nail. I didn’t notice it until I opened another one. I found it when I touched my hair and it was glued to my hair in front of my eyes to see. Now I had two pairs of right eye contacts open, what a waste!

My planned rolled of time was 9am and I was upper late, behind schedule, I was just tired and tired from eating so late last night. I did not roll off until 11:35am. I walked in the parking lot looking for people to give away my $50 buddy passes to. I told myself that I didn’t want to discriminate, my criteria was for parent family relationship and that they were all suited and ready to go at the ticket office.

I came across two moms and three kids from San Diego staying at the Harrahs. The kids wanted to know if I was staying at a house. House is important to the kids. I guess it was part of their family vacation dream of sorts, but it’s really expense. I guess they don’t like their mom’s choice of casinos. I went to the ticket office and the guy at the window had a hard time trying to figure out the payment aspect of things and it took him four trys to make it work.

I headed for the season pass office to renew my pass for next year and took a detour. I stopped at the ski sale shop and found sale stuff. I got so overwhelmed and lost just with two racks. As I walked out I could not locate the gloves on me and I panic and thought someone took mine while I was shopping, super dizzying.

I walked out to the Gun Barrel lift and realized I didn’t go to the season pass office. So I went back this time without anymore detours. I paid $359 for next year’s season pass and four $60 buddy pass came along with this. I picked up two more $50. buddy passes to give for this season.

Back on Gun Barrel, take two. I feel like I am stuck in Mercury retrograde or something. I finally made it up the mountain slopes. There wasn’t a lot of traffic so I had the slopes to myself. Plenty of powder to ride on from yesterday and the trees were covered in white, super beautiful. People are super chilled this time of the year and I had lots of fun. People are more upbeat and funny.

A guy from Sacramento who sat next to me on the lift chair was super stoned, high and drinking beer. I didn’t know how out of it I was until I compared myself to him. I decided to sit in the woods and take time out and reflect on this and meditated a bit. It all changed from there, here in black diamond woods. I can’t believe I was on black diamond woods!

I love seeing the lake, it’s beautiful and I love sitting in the midst of trees and look at the lake. My thighs burned and burned. They are going to become so strong. I drank a lot of water and almost ran out. I will need a full bag for a full dry day tomorrow. Wearing a mask is a must on these mountains, it just is windy cold up in the ridges.

I saw two Asian kids tiny tots, they looked totally nurtured by their Western adopted parents. The older girl although a totally different race, looked dad and the younger one looked liked mom, a very beautiful sight. It made my day, like having chocolate in the evenings.


I watched another amazing NBA game of Celtics vs. Nicks, game came down to one point.

Looking For a Student

Dream

Dr. Jingying was looking for someone to pass her healing arts, looking for someone to teach. 

Take Over

Dream

There was a beautiful Greek Heavenly architecture, a home of sorts.  A man, husband designed gifts for someone’s wedding and this gift is housed in their house.  The wife, beautiful lady stays at home while he attended business elsewhere.  

A woman who is up to no good rings the door, enters with her clan and takes over the entire house by drugging the lady of the house with black magic, turns her mute and deforms her face and gave her demon teeth.  This once beautiful lady of the house is in a coma.  This evil black magic woman just wants the house.  Her way of getting this Heavenly home is to split up the marriage that this house holds. 

The man of the house is a well respected diplomat, an ambassador of sorts who is the kind of person who serves the community.  The wife is like a princess, a beautiful queen, a trophy wife of skill and up to the part.  

The evil woman writes to the brother of the husband and sent it to him.  The brother is a poet, artistic recluse, a crowned prince like figure who is in a position for the line of king but is a prince that can’t be bothered.  He was also living in a Heavenly palace like this one.  A servant approaches him under the sun.  He is in the middle of a pool contemplating artistic creations.  The letter is delivered and he didn’t want his creative juices interrupted.  

The letter states the lady of the house is ill and the husband isn’t attending to the matter.  The prince used to be in love with this lady but the lady married the brother because the Crowned Prince is a recluse and the lady is passionate about her community service.  It is known that this Crowned Prince partied but has not loved another since.  This evil black magic woman hopes to split the marriage by igniting the flames between the Crowned Prince and his sister in law.  The prince does not answer the letter himself, he chooses reclusive life.  He sends his amazing healers, a party of 6 to the house to answer to the letter. 

The evil black magic woman lets the party of 6 healers in.  The lady is on the husband’s wedding gift creation, a beautiful bed fit for a king’s throne.  The head healer, an all female crew approaches the lady and seems to kiss her lips, in fact she is tasting the poison on her lips and saw right away who it came from and what it was all about.  The lady at this time wakes up from her coma and her eyes stares into the black magic woman who did not care to be identified.  This evil woman took delight in seeing the lady’s mouth deformed into a beastly sight.  The lady signals with her hand, helplessness.  

This lady is brought back to the Crowned Prince’s place for healing.  The Crowned Prince does not see her.  He stays a recluse.  The house is abandoned, left to the evil woman.  The husband, Crowned Prince’s brother was contacted and debriefed of all of this.  In the healing process, the poison continued to spread and the beautiful lady continued to deform into an old decrepit thing.  The husband arrives at the Crowned Prince’s heavenly palace and greets his wife and continues to love and support her.  Their bond strengthened from this ordeal.  The husband sends forces to reclaim his house with the aid of the Crown Prince. 

Trees Are Easier To Spot Than People in Whiteout

Snowboarding Day 23 Season 2011

I slept for 12 hours, I was so very tired. I just fell asleep with lights on. I saw myself in the mirror and I was all in colors of purple and grey. It was windy cold outside and the Sky lift was on wind hold. I felt no rush to get to the slopes. I decided it’s my vacation and I can do it however I feel like. I want to chill, eat my food slowly. I had pumpkin soup and then I ate the rest of the Cheese Board bread with fig preserve, a lovely gift from uncle Ben, it all went well with high mountain tea. I am a blessed person, I am showered with kindness. My heart is warmed by this.

As I drank tea I thought about this, “I wish to bring you to those places, to show you the world, your tea and tea pot will have to represent instead.”

The story on this bread, I was at Cheese Board Pizza with John and Toure, I had the loaves of bread in underneath my arm pit to free my hands to handle money and pick up plates of pizza slices. In the midst of the rush, I forgot to pay for the bread that was jammed between my armpit or it was more like I forgot to tell him I needed to pay for the bread between my armpits. When I had the pizzas in my hands and the financial transaction was done, I told the cashier I need to also pay for the loaves of bread and that I forgot to mention it. He said to forget it and I got the bread for free. John and Toure commented on that and I said, “I guess I am being rewarded for telling the truth.”

I did not begin my morning recitation until 1pm and made it out to the slopes at 1:30pm. Most people were leaving the parking lot and the place was looking very empty. It was sprinkling and the sky was looking very grey with little visibility. I was looking forward to little traffic and powder to ride on.

The First Ride lift was closed due to lack of snow left. All lessons are on Patsy and Mombo via Powder Bowl Express lift. I went down Patsy and was amazed that I couldn’t imagine I could graduate from Patsy this season. That it took me 45 minutes just to get down this very short run.

Today, I had my mask on and 3 layers of tops on. It was a good call, it was windy cold. The powder melted upon contact. I see what NOAA means when it reports snow showers and little or no accumulation of snow means.  It means this. I needed goggle wipes. Visibility was an issue but the lack of people on the slopes made it easy. I really enjoy weekday slopes, have the place mostly to myself, not good for business but great for my enjoyment. I was able to zip down Canyon slope in 15 minutes.

Due to whiteout I decided to go into the woods because they are clear and easier to spot than people. Since there was like no one else around, I didn’t have to worry about fast riders who would clip my head off or yell at me for slow speed on black diamond.

In the woods I managed to have lots of fun. It’s a new challenge, a skill I was going to tackle next season. In the woods I actually found powder to ride on. I’d say this was the best part, there was a good seven inches of powder and I caught an edge and fell forward. I landed on my chest and my board kept on tumbling forward. It’s good thing I used to be flexible. If I had known I’d keep going, I would have pushed off my hands and completed the forward flip in style. I will find out tomorrow how I faired form all of this. On icy parts, I slid on my bum for awhile to avoid major injury. I hope this pair of pants holds up well, I do have two colors of duct tape in the trunk to patch holes. In just two hours in the woods I had so much fun and an awesome workout in the woods, my legs burned. I was hungry one and half hours into my ride, I couldn’t believe it because I like just ate for 5 hours this morning.

Today's Contemplation
“How do I go about locating this kind of ways of living daily at home?”

At 3:30pm I was nervous, it was getting dark and I could barely see. I got out of the woods, the snow was looking flat in terms of lighting and it was difficult to make out this patch of snow from that bump or curve. I got onto the wide slopes and I couldn’t see much there either. I had to follow the orange closed border ropes to find my way out and down the mountain. I was nervous and I could see how people get injured and lost in the slopes on difficult condition days. It is so easy to mess up. I began to think how I should always carry emergency blanket and how I need bright clothes not black and white because I just blend into the background. How I need light and emergency flares. I tried to see without goggles and it was same poor visibility. The slopes should be nice tomorrow with all this powder. I am so glad I am here and there are more days of this ahead. This is so much fun!

I ate hummus, seaweed salad, half cup hot coco, and 12 strawberries for first dinner.  Like a Hobbit, I had second dinner, Indian food.

Strawberry Ed

Snowboarding Day 22 Season 2011

I woke up at 5:11am and stayed in be until 5:48am. I felt emotionally unhappy from all the drama of yesterday. I decided I would skip breakfast and hair to save time, yet somehow I didn’t roll off until 6:48am. I ended up toasting tortilla and smearing it with guacamole for breakfast food.

The drive was like this, “Maybe I’ll just do one day. Maybe I’ll just turn around and come back, etc..” I was still totally sabotaging myself.

I think I saw 5 sets of cops on I280 to I50 all clocking speed. I am glad I am on a regular mode of driving controlled by the age and conditions of this car.


I needed gas and to shop at Safeway and used the restroom. I pulled over at El Dorodo Hills and checked out oranges. Ed the produce stocker pointed out the strawberries are at buy one get two free and it comes out to $1.33 per box. It was only by chatting with Ed that I noticed how dazed and lost I was and I have been driving two and half hours this way. Ed insisted I try the strawberries and I did, they were super sweet. The texture was rough not tender but the flavor was there. I tried to pick out strawberries but I felt so lost somehow. Ed kept on trying to offer help and I finally gave in and acknowledge I needed help with something so trivial as picking out strawberries. That was how it was and it was okay. Ed picked out three boxes of strawberries for me and I felt relieved that he was there to help me on such simple task that I couldn’t seem to manage for myself somehow. Ed was kind, not sticky or judgmental or dumping toxic poison onto me. I also needed help to pick out oranges for juicing. I realized from watching Ed pick each item of fruit out for me that this ordeal was more about having me watch Ed and the work he performs. I saw myself in him, the joy of simplicity. It was comforting to be with Ed. It was comforting to reconnect with this, with me. I have been so fatigued, I felt my body inflamed and on fire in pain. I so need this vacation.


The last 60 miles of mountain drive was bare, there was no snow decorating the mountains and trees. I was a bit worried about the snow condition. I decided regardless of my worries I will make the best of it. I made it to Heavenly parking lot at noon. There was plenty of parking. I could see the slush on the slope. The snow slush was brown. I could see some of the bare mountain. It was hot in the parking lot and so I left my mask in the car which turned out to be a big mistake with 60mph wind that picked up at 1pm. I was cold. I wore the lavender zip liner, I also left the blue long insulated layer in the car thinking I wouldn't need it.  I don’t mind slush, I prefer it to ice.


On the slopes, there was very little traffic, it was fast and easy to get down. I was on the lift chair over and over again. At 1:30pm I decided I wanted to work on tricks, I wanted to work on jumps and hops. I tumbled and tumbled and fell. My bum really hurts and my back too. I am so glad I didn’t abandon my helmet. I would say the helmet is like the life jacket on water, never abandon it even if you know how to swim.

Through this process, I really found my enthusiasm for life and living. I like to have fun and learn the same time. This felt right and I felt great.

I sat a little just to clear my head. The clouds moved in for tonight’s rain and I asked the rain to wash my troubles away.

In the evening I watched the Celtics play against the Nicks, it was a great game that came down to 2 points. I had bread and tea for dinner.

Not All Lessons Come in Warm and Sweet

Today I treated myself to North Face socks, super expensive even after the outlet discount and a sale discount on top of that.  They ran at $4. a pair.  But they don’t bunch at the toes!  

 I saw uncle Ben who quickly handed me toasted bread from Semi Freddie.  It was super sweet of him.  We both have this understanding of bread and an appreciation of bread and human courtesy etiquette. 

I saw Dr. Fang stepping onto the steps for sun and air.  He was not his happy funny self this morning.  He looked wiped out.  He sat and curled his head, trying to shake stuff off.  It was so unlike him, to be in this state.  He looked grey and burnt brown.  Upon seeing him, I recalled how my chest was having difficulty in breathing for two hour prior to shopping at North Face.  I felt a suffocating pain and grief.  It went away with the distraction of shopping, saved by shopping?  After being debriefed of the drama, I decided I wasn’t going to enter the building and go home instead, however a bloody finger Laura interrupted this plan.  I had to go in to find medicine and bandage for her.

Upon entering the building, everyone looked so serious, uptight and unhappy like they just had a war in the space.  I didn’t know what was in the building, I was in pursuit of locating first aid to stop Laura’s bleeding.  

Upon entering the hall, I saw her, she who has given me so much hell and I didn’t drop dead at the sight.  I actually was able to breathe normally and my feet kept on walking.  I couldn’t believe it at all, I guess this means graduation of sorts. 

I am glad I missed the unnecessary war.  I am glad it wasn’t me who had to bleed physically or spiritually.  It is all unnecessary to experience it that way. 

Toure sat outside in the sun and was laughing all by himself.  It was not a joyful laugh, a true laugh, it was laughter to disguise pain.  He looked really depressed and in grief.  He looked drugged out.  I brought him OJ and sat in the sun with him.  He was totally off and he was totally transmedium.  He was a bit scary to be around.  It is evident he is clear of what is wrong and is going against his own wisdom and better judgment ignoring the screams of pain, sacrificing the bright light of his heart for a different kind.  He is his own person and needs to live his own life.      

We decided to go for a walk and came across John who came to deliver Toure’s phone who evidently left it on the front steps.  We decided to go to Teance.  I think the purpose of this trip is to come across Maryann who just returned from Ohio after the passing of her father and friend.  I honestly didn’t recognize her.  She looked horrible, all grey of grief and purple of bruises.  She began walking my way and decided to not come across me and then did a U-turn.  She felt over whelmed.  Finally after sitting across from me for the afternoon, she picked up the courage to try again and walked over.  I got off my seat and gave her a hug to receive her.  We chatted and updated each other of the past few years.  Just in talking to her, I watched her purple grey colors change and her light was back, that was all I wanted to see happen.  I did my job for the day.  This trip to Teance was not in vain, mission accomplished.   

My back was in so much pain, I had to sit on the bench, then I just decided to go to the back and hang out instead.  Michelle asked me the specifics of the pain I was in,  “Tingle, spikes, burn etc..”  She asked questions like her brother Dr. Michael the chiropractor. 

I came home and accessed today’s time at the monastery.  The monastery is a great school of learning.  Not all lessons are sweet and warm.  Not all lessons are in beautiful sight.       

Not Quite There

I did not wake up depressed or disappointed this morning.  I woke up feeling up.  I didn’t wake up feeling like a truck or train squashed me and I can’t seem to scrap myself off and together.

When the afternoon came, I felt pains in my body.  I did some pressure point relief work and this helped but I had no humor to stir up. 

Chemical Engineering Another Possible Unexplored Talent of Mine

Dream

A doctor advised that I should have gone into chemical engineering. 

Organize and Clean

My whole body is so tense from everything, I feel as if I am going to have a nervous breakdown.  This is killing me, making my bones hurt.  I was in too much pain to lay and rest.  I was in too much of misery to do any creative things.  I decided to organize and clean, I felt so much better having organized.  I love to organize!

Recieving Love

Today I met woman and saw that receiving things is how she receives love.  So she has to be helpless and poor in order to receive love.  She has learned somehow that she is not worthy of people showering love and the only thing she is worthy of is pity.  This is sad and it truly is pitiful.     

Leaks

Drama is like a leaking nuclear power plant!  Everyone is responsible, everyone is affected.  

Relying on Meditation

Felt sick in my stomach.  It began last night.  The attack on my back puts me in pain, attack on my digestive track, attack on oxygen to wear me down.  Meditation and recitation helped to move chi.

A Size Too Big? Perfect For Layering!

Super cold this morning, I don’t know if it’s gotten cooler or my body has changed and I get cold now or maybe it’s been cold.  I have been cold all these years but I can no longer tough it out.  Well, I pulled out clothes and layered on.  I see why I bought clothes in different sizes, not my first logical choice.  But I see how it all fits perfectly with layering, it’s just perfect now.

   

Content With the Surface

My error in meditation is I am too easily content in just surface level calm.  I don’t actually go beyond the water surface of the ocean of my mind.  This is what I must change now. 

Just Tacky

Dream

I am a wedding photographer.  I notified a couple that I was contracted to photograph that I was too much in grief struck from a death of a bride to photograph their wedding and told them there was a replacement photographer.  

Then the dead bride had sent me a parting cocktail dress, very Versace.  Somehow I felt the need to share this with the couple at their reception of which I am now crashing after saying I can’t attend, totally inappropriate. 

I don’t even now this bride that died to be in this much grief but I couldn’t stop the drama within.  As I showed the dress at the head wedding reception table I noticed there were tacky primary color pinwheel flowers tacked on the collar and I knew this was all off, something was wrong, and it was clear this was not real, this was a set up.  I was somehow in this grief drama and I could not get out, I couldn’t even walk and I had to be escorted out.    

Crushed Diamond Pink High Pumps

Dream

I am in a way place environment.  I am wearing a light pearlized bubble pink high pump with peach shaped toe.  It had high glass clear heels and blings on the bottom were subtle with elegantly crushed diamonds.  The entire ensemble was just fun, elegant, stylish, feminine, and young.  I shared my joys and excitement with others.  This pair of shoes delighted me.   

Peace With a Poodle

I went to visit Rocky.  I find peace in the silence in just sitting with him. 

The Latin hybrid roses are in bloom and they are amazingly beautiful and fragrant.  I clipped some for my room. 

During lunch today at the Indian lunch buffet, a lump of being 3-5 inches ejected from my heart and I felt great. 

Spiders High Beams

Dream

I was sweeping BBM floor, there were all types of spiders in dark places.  I was sweeping I didn’t notice them. One flashed high beams of green and blue at me.  Without it I would have swept them and hurt them.  It’s amazing it had high beam light flash abilities. 

Baby Bird

Dream

I am inside a house, appeared to be our house, kind of recognizable and kind of not.  It was so old, dirty, dusty, run down, and abandoned.  There is sunlight shining through showing all the dust.  I approached a door attempting to leave this filthy dirty place.  As my hand reached for the door a piece of the ceiling dry wall fell along with the perpendicular dry wall that was holding it up, revealing the colonies of spiders and diverse species all parked in a thick web.  They were all parked in close proximity, pretty crammed.  I was super grossed out by the sight.  I freaked out and backed away from the door.  The spiders didn’t look evil but have taken over as occupants of the house.  I began to head for another door, this one led me inside and this falling of dry wall revealing the same things were repeated wherever I stepped and looked.   I was very over whelmed by the dust, dirt, filthiness of the place. 

While I was in the hallway, a startling sight caught my eyes, a pure clean baby bird, white and approximately 9 inches in length was walking on the floor.  A strand of web caught its tail and I felt it could be a hindrance to it while in flight.  I stepped on the strand to separate it from the bird.  Beautiful, pure, clean bird, completely random and out of place, so it seems to me.  The place is too dirty for the bird to call home or for anybody to call it a home. 

It's a Vicious Cycle

I had a headache, my head was stuffy, I sat in the car and rested during break.  I had planned to go hiking after work but I decided to go home instead.  I ended up watching Shirley McClain on Oprah talking about UFO “clouds”, karma, meditation, psychic vision, telepathy.  She talked about how sex isn’t important from the spiritual path, spiritual point of view. 

I realized I keep trying to please people and they keep disapproving, it’s a vicious cycle. 

Henry Cowell Redwood State Park

Today’s Tahoe trip was cancelled. I was so exhausted I didn’t get up until 6:45am and I felt this was too late to start a solo one day snow trip to Tahoe. So I decided to go to Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park. I did not get out the door until 10am.

As I drove on HWY 17 I found myself missing this drive. I miss the mountains and the trees. I turned onto Mt. Herman Road into Scotts Valley Felton area to get to Henry Cowell bordering Roaring Camp and UC Santa Cruz. I parked on the road like the internet posting said to save money on parking entrance fee.

As I walked in, right away I was happy. I had a lot of joy walking and watching dogs get walked. I took the meadow trail and it was full of beautiful spring flowers covering every inch of floor beds. I walked through camp sites, currently covered in orchid greens. I was sad to think of how all of this would be cleared for camping. It is just magically beautiful and amazing, what a gift from nature. It will be very different in a few weeks, dry, sandy and brown.

I went on the Redwoods Trail and walked among old redwood groves. The first one I came across was 3,500 years old. The roots are most likely much older than the growth. I love redwoods. I learned bugs repel from redwoods. That is why redwoods are such a favorite for furniture and architectural structures. It really is the reason why I went to Santa Cruz for school, it made me happy to see redwood trees and smell them each day.

A docent named Edgar, who serves a an volunteer, educator, trash pick up, and staff gave me an entire tour. As he talked and walked our group grew to 15 in our tour. I saw a little girl from Melbourne and his family joined the tour and walked in barefoot.

I learned the difference of a redwood tree and others. Redwoods don’t have moss around it. I even felt the leaves of a hazelnut tree. I have always wanted to know what a hazelnut tree looked like. It was soft and velvety, like silk worm.

The trail beds were covered with bay leaves. I love the smell of bay leaves and the fresh ones are magnificent, sweet, woody, full of body. It was a wonderful aroma therapy stroll.

I learned that the inside of a redwood tree is dead and only the outer shell is alive and that the trunks and branches will merge and morph into one. The rings of trees will grow from one root. The tree will grow growth to weigh and balance the tree keeping it upright making up for the missing root.

Fremont tree can fit 30 people inside, once the honeymoon suite, window and stove hole can still be viewed.

Welsch family protected these redwoods and collected twenty five cents as entrance fee when people visited on a picnic or for rolling into roaring camp. At night the trains carried redwoods chopped by Henry Cowell Company. Big Basin was saved because rails were too difficult to get to. Last descendant of Henry Cowell was 90 years old in the 50’s and made a deal to turn roaring camp, Henry Cowell and Big Basin into State Park but have it be called Henry Cowell State Park. Trees that was chopped of 100 years ago left the land barren. Roots later grew trees to what is now the redwoods we see.

What an amazing wonderful day this turned out to be.

Then at 3:30pm Edgar asked for my name and phone number. Wow, his spiritual holy record that he was playing for the past 5 hours just went “scratch”. His head is so down under. Dude this guy is like the same age as my dad, super gross, totally inappropriate in all regards. Anyways, as shocked as I was, I didn’t let this put a ding on my day.

I tested out new North Face gear today. I wore the brown soft shell jacket, it really blocked the cold wind chill. Although the sun shined bright today the wind was arctic cold. The new wire frame, soft mesh backing hydro pack is bigger than my old one and fits a notebook.





Today just a few hours of hike inflamed my back, I’ve got so much injuries, I can’t keep track.