Came For Shelter
They all came to me. They were all sad and looked pitiful and lonely and at a loss. They all came for shelter. But who am I? What can I offer? I am nobody. I have nothing. I am unworthy.
Hike Out of Sykes Camp
Day 4
While sipped my tea at dawn I starred into the river and wondered if the bedrocks ever complain to the rushing water for such force that grinds the rocks smooth. Or does the rock thank the river, the wind? Does the bed rock ever get tired of the incessant molding and shaping?
I met Shell from Santa Cruz who also came alone. He invited me to join him in the pool, but I really didn't want to. I had to pack up and hike out. I was already slow because I really took my time to drink tea in the morning and watched the water run in the river. It took me all day to hike in and it will take me all day to hike out especially without a headlamp for lighting up the path.
On the hike out I was physically feeling better. My pack was lighter but not that much but every pound is significant. I felt good and really enjoyed the hike out. I had the energy to notice the scenery. I took breaks to drink water and to munch. At one point I was swamped by flies and I told them that I'd offer my precious orange peel as a token of good faith and friendship and they are to not attack me. That regardless if they wanted or not I'm making a precious offering and sharing, take it or leave it, it's given.
I want to quiet my mind. I want to activate real strength and not live in a borrowed one. I asked the trees at the trail at a very elfish looking Ravine if it had any insights. If the trees moved at every brush of wind, there would not be any greens on the mountain. No roots to uphold the trails and the cliffs from mud slides. There would be no path to trail on. They roots deep and strong into the earth, yet flexible and stable.
While sipped my tea at dawn I starred into the river and wondered if the bedrocks ever complain to the rushing water for such force that grinds the rocks smooth. Or does the rock thank the river, the wind? Does the bed rock ever get tired of the incessant molding and shaping?
I met Shell from Santa Cruz who also came alone. He invited me to join him in the pool, but I really didn't want to. I had to pack up and hike out. I was already slow because I really took my time to drink tea in the morning and watched the water run in the river. It took me all day to hike in and it will take me all day to hike out especially without a headlamp for lighting up the path.
On the hike out I was physically feeling better. My pack was lighter but not that much but every pound is significant. I felt good and really enjoyed the hike out. I had the energy to notice the scenery. I took breaks to drink water and to munch. At one point I was swamped by flies and I told them that I'd offer my precious orange peel as a token of good faith and friendship and they are to not attack me. That regardless if they wanted or not I'm making a precious offering and sharing, take it or leave it, it's given.
I want to quiet my mind. I want to activate real strength and not live in a borrowed one. I asked the trees at the trail at a very elfish looking Ravine if it had any insights. If the trees moved at every brush of wind, there would not be any greens on the mountain. No roots to uphold the trails and the cliffs from mud slides. There would be no path to trail on. They roots deep and strong into the earth, yet flexible and stable.
Dharma Meal
I dreamed I saw a man who I had not seen in all these years. He was someone who told my family it was a good idea to move to America that it would be good for our family. He works as a translator, one that translates secret codes. He spends his time within walls under artificial lighting facing a monitor. A very kind person but not happy about the kind of job he is in, physically in dark places and is secretive. I invited him to a Dharma Meal. We were at a buffet lunch and i showed him what to eat and how to eat it. He helped us to go to America so I can show him how to absorb Dharma and be a source of nurturing and and healing for him. He is a kind person who I have good strong affinities with. I am happy to see him again.
Bone Healer
I dreamed Dante had an injury to his right collar bone. It had been broken and was pointing out of the chest. To the left of the break was brittle with air pockets. I had a chi gong healer push out the air pockets trapping cold chi and a bone healer to move it all back in place before more air get in and stays trapped.
Windy and Cold
Day 3
Camping just isn't the same without the company of instant noodles. I soaked for a little over 2 hours in the pool today. I met Mike who is a project manager for construction company. He went on and on about marathons he used to do. Mike had creepy hands. His fingers were naughty and nasty looking. Then a Cal Poly group in Macro Biology major showed up to join us. I left when a group of pot smokers showed up.
I decided to masked my face again. I was still exhausted today. I realized when I pitched my tent in the dark I didn't check for wind pockets at night. This explained why I was so cold at night and was exhausted from shaking then truly resting. I noticed I didn't clip my rain flap/wind breaker for the tent on right so wind was getting in. I decided to pull a space blanket over my tent for extra break on the wind and insulation.
Camping just isn't the same without the company of instant noodles. I soaked for a little over 2 hours in the pool today. I met Mike who is a project manager for construction company. He went on and on about marathons he used to do. Mike had creepy hands. His fingers were naughty and nasty looking. Then a Cal Poly group in Macro Biology major showed up to join us. I left when a group of pot smokers showed up.
I decided to masked my face again. I was still exhausted today. I realized when I pitched my tent in the dark I didn't check for wind pockets at night. This explained why I was so cold at night and was exhausted from shaking then truly resting. I noticed I didn't clip my rain flap/wind breaker for the tent on right so wind was getting in. I decided to pull a space blanket over my tent for extra break on the wind and insulation.
Not Utopia
I dreamed I was underground in middle earth like place. It was not a human realm. Naoki made a friend or acquaintance with a child from the other realm. It was dark and dimly lit. There seems to be earth everywhere. There are tunnel ways connecting from this to that and in between are gates that lock and divide sections off. The gates have curfews and shuts on time.
The boy wanted to trade a toy with Naoki and headed back into a gate to get his toy for trade. Naoki tried to follow through the gate but it shut in his face. Then a man from the other side of the gate looked at him with displeasing eyes. From his looks it was clear that we were not suppose to be there. We were not suppose to be in that world. I pulled Naoki out away from the gate. He told us he'll tell the boy that we had to leave and didn't have time to wait. I turned to look for a way out since it was not the human realm. My parents along with Helen and her 3 kids were there. I saw from the man that this cross over was an accident and he would make sure it wouldn't happen again. He would not let the child out again because what the child doesn't know is a form of protection. Ignorance is bliss in this case, this was not utopia and the man wanted the boy to stay happy as long as he can until true reality sits in that he will have to face day after day for the rest of his life. I searched for a way out. I had Lena on my back telling her to hang on tight. I had Ellie on my right side hip. I was walking on roots of a tree. Underground is where tree roots grow. I kept pulling on each root trying to figure to which leg was the portal key. Naoki was right behind. I needed both hands and had everyone hang onto me instead. I finally located the root and we made a human chain and everyone was hanging on behind me. I tugged the root and we all transported out of there.
The boy wanted to trade a toy with Naoki and headed back into a gate to get his toy for trade. Naoki tried to follow through the gate but it shut in his face. Then a man from the other side of the gate looked at him with displeasing eyes. From his looks it was clear that we were not suppose to be there. We were not suppose to be in that world. I pulled Naoki out away from the gate. He told us he'll tell the boy that we had to leave and didn't have time to wait. I turned to look for a way out since it was not the human realm. My parents along with Helen and her 3 kids were there. I saw from the man that this cross over was an accident and he would make sure it wouldn't happen again. He would not let the child out again because what the child doesn't know is a form of protection. Ignorance is bliss in this case, this was not utopia and the man wanted the boy to stay happy as long as he can until true reality sits in that he will have to face day after day for the rest of his life. I searched for a way out. I had Lena on my back telling her to hang on tight. I had Ellie on my right side hip. I was walking on roots of a tree. Underground is where tree roots grow. I kept pulling on each root trying to figure to which leg was the portal key. Naoki was right behind. I needed both hands and had everyone hang onto me instead. I finally located the root and we made a human chain and everyone was hanging on behind me. I tugged the root and we all transported out of there.
Wrestling Challenge of True Strength
I dreamed a big river strong iron man kind of spirit challenged me by engulfing me. It was able to wrap around me. It's not the kind of ghost that just sits on you and weights you down. I wasn't in pain. there was pressure in breathing. I tried to put my palms together but had trouble with closing the palms fully. I was about a foot apart. There was a lot of force from him against it. This was challenge of strength and not fight. I was impatient and bored and decided to recite Guan Yin Bodhisattva's name for relief and it let free of me and went on its way back on the river.
I realized that I don't actually have any patience in relying on my own strength because I haven't explored my own strength. I actually don't know my own strength. I have gone so long cruising and depending on others and cashing in every opportunity I can that I have been dependent and lazy.
I realized that I don't actually have any patience in relying on my own strength because I haven't explored my own strength. I actually don't know my own strength. I have gone so long cruising and depending on others and cashing in every opportunity I can that I have been dependent and lazy.
Big Waves
I dreamed I was walking by the ocean walking on the road where the cars are parked. A big wave splashes on to the road and sweeps people off. Some went sliding here and there. I was still on my feet somehow. I don't recall if I was physically wet. I don't remember. Somehow got away dry. I went looking for my car. It slid a bit from its original parked spot.
Sauna and Hot Sping
Day 2
Woke up really tired. I was too exhausted to have any appetite. I had to force myself to eat. I ate slowly and drank slowly. My heart was still racing from yesterday.
I pumped water from the creek and filtered it. I've had this filter for 10 years I hoped it was fine to still use. I did laundry and hung it on a line tied to two trees.
I kept thinking about how some things are just not working in my lifestyle. It's really not in the rhythm of the body and nature.
I went to the hot spring to soak all the the tension away. The water runs from the grounds from natural sources and through time people at the park has made little pools walled with rocks. I first walked towards the upper pools and saw Meelah from San Francisco who seems to be stuck in the nudist hippie days because he walked naked everywhere carrying his clothes on his neck. He asked to join my pool and I agreed. I shared my cookies with him. He asked if I mind 2nd hand pot smoking. I told him I was chemically sensitive and gets very sick. After awhile he pulled out his pipe and smoked anyways. I decided to leave this pool and walk towards the creek where another that was hotter but smaller.
In this hot pool I met Ben from Biola La doing photography. I shared my cookies and oranges. They were happy because they didn't bring enough food and the food they brought were drinks, hot dogs and cookies. Ryan one of the guy's brother is said to be afraid of Big Foot and sleeping at night. This was his first camping experience and he brought a blanket and not a sleeping bag. They also did not bring a tent. Ryan got up middle of the night to chop wood and built a sauna with tarp, hot rock and poured water over the tarp. One of the guys had Heb 22:1 tattooed on his chest where his heart is. Another guy in the group voted to go and visit Tassahara. They all eventually joined the pot man in his pool to share his pot and go naked.
I left the pool when the last bit of day light was fading. My camp wasn't far from the pools. I rushed back to pull my laundry out before it dampens with the night. I pumped more water because I really don't see myself doing this in the morning cold and barely awake. I decided to use an SK II mask I brought and hydrate my face from hours of soaking.
I made Tzu Chi curry ramen for dinner. I swallowed it. This was a sign that I was feeling better because I had appetite to eat. I really could of stopped but I went for a second round of instant noodles.
Last night a little visitor left a trail of orange Russian tea cookie crumbs all over my camp. So tonight I decided I needed to hang my food to not encourage little crawlers to visit my camp tonight. Then I have to watch out for blue jays from pecking my food.
Woke up really tired. I was too exhausted to have any appetite. I had to force myself to eat. I ate slowly and drank slowly. My heart was still racing from yesterday.
I pumped water from the creek and filtered it. I've had this filter for 10 years I hoped it was fine to still use. I did laundry and hung it on a line tied to two trees.
I kept thinking about how some things are just not working in my lifestyle. It's really not in the rhythm of the body and nature.
I went to the hot spring to soak all the the tension away. The water runs from the grounds from natural sources and through time people at the park has made little pools walled with rocks. I first walked towards the upper pools and saw Meelah from San Francisco who seems to be stuck in the nudist hippie days because he walked naked everywhere carrying his clothes on his neck. He asked to join my pool and I agreed. I shared my cookies with him. He asked if I mind 2nd hand pot smoking. I told him I was chemically sensitive and gets very sick. After awhile he pulled out his pipe and smoked anyways. I decided to leave this pool and walk towards the creek where another that was hotter but smaller.
In this hot pool I met Ben from Biola La doing photography. I shared my cookies and oranges. They were happy because they didn't bring enough food and the food they brought were drinks, hot dogs and cookies. Ryan one of the guy's brother is said to be afraid of Big Foot and sleeping at night. This was his first camping experience and he brought a blanket and not a sleeping bag. They also did not bring a tent. Ryan got up middle of the night to chop wood and built a sauna with tarp, hot rock and poured water over the tarp. One of the guys had Heb 22:1 tattooed on his chest where his heart is. Another guy in the group voted to go and visit Tassahara. They all eventually joined the pot man in his pool to share his pot and go naked.
I left the pool when the last bit of day light was fading. My camp wasn't far from the pools. I rushed back to pull my laundry out before it dampens with the night. I pumped more water because I really don't see myself doing this in the morning cold and barely awake. I decided to use an SK II mask I brought and hydrate my face from hours of soaking.
I made Tzu Chi curry ramen for dinner. I swallowed it. This was a sign that I was feeling better because I had appetite to eat. I really could of stopped but I went for a second round of instant noodles.
Last night a little visitor left a trail of orange Russian tea cookie crumbs all over my camp. So tonight I decided I needed to hang my food to not encourage little crawlers to visit my camp tonight. Then I have to watch out for blue jays from pecking my food.
Hike Into Sykes Camp
Day 1
Didn't hit the trail until a little after 10:37am. I was close to three hours behind on my original scheduled head off. But that was how it was, I was tired and everything was in slow mo for me. My new internal backpack had more space for me to put more things in. I was quite happy about this but totally forgot about the fact that it meant more weight for me to carry. It was more than 8 years ago since I last did this trail. I totally forgot how rough it is. Back then I was 30 pounds lighter and packed light. So this current one is like adding 70 pound of new weight and I haven't done this trail for 8 years, totally not fit to do this.
It took me 3 hours to do the first 3 miles. I had to rest a lot. The chatter in my brain was a drain for me. I could not focus and work efficiently. I had not realize how chatty I was. How scattered I was over bits and pieces of frivolous information, sound bits, images from radio, magazine stand and TV. For what? Why? Just all garbage bouncing off the walls of my mind.
I wished my mind would be calm and still.I wishes I was at this capacity that I could hike 12 miles in one day at half the time it took me today.
There were lots of poison oak everywhere. What changed this time was I saw their presence as ways to ward people off the edge of the trail. They are there as good service and not to be hated. There were also lots of beautiful wild spring flowers everywhere. I really enjoyed looking at them. I also came across lots of lizards mostly with neon blue tale.
I came across a baby snake with yellow strips. I didn't see it and it didn't see me until we were close in contact and it stood on it's tale ready for attack and I froze. I walked backwards and said to it,"we can be friends in the Pureland and cultivate together." Then it slithered off. Then I came across another snake twice as big and I made sure this time I was not that close to contact before I passed it.
Lots of mosquito in the 5 mile creek camp area. It has been so long since I've been here that I had forgotten the way of the trail. I used to do this regularly that I was so familiar with it. Then I had doubts on the trail during crossings on whether or not I was doing the right thing.
At the 5 mile camp site I stuffed my mouth with a bag of black berried and totally smeared my face with it somehow. It was the first thing I ate. I didn't want to stop to eat in fear that it would stop my pace that was like a crawl already. I was so tired that my muscles trembled and was on verge of cramping. I had to hold onto them to hold the spasming.
At the 5 mile camp, I came across Jan who was a part of Sierra trail cutters. They help to clear trails. He spoke to me like a ranger with authority out of protection and care. He told me he hiked out a co-worker who had a bad case of poison oak. He had to make it back to camp by 6pm or else his group would worry. It was 3:40pm and I was pretty tired after 3rd mile and somehow made it to 5th mile mark. But I didn't want to stop. I didn't have the chi to do another 7 miles into my camp. I was already having a bloody nose. I think that was why Jan asked me whole bunch of questions about me so that in case I was missing or didn't make it he would know how to report me. But after a little rest and talking to Jan I somehow picked up second wind to head onto the next 7 miles. I really didn't want to stop camp anywhere. I knew where ever I stopped I won't be moving for a few days so it better be a good spot I want to stay at for days.
I asked myself why I was here, doing this. I wanted clarity on where I am, what was important to me. I thought to myself,"I could be asleep and having a good time at home too." But I was already here. I thought some more," life is suffering, cultivation is hard, but what other way is there? Don't fear challenges. Do not fear hardship. Do not fear fatigue. Just make sure I don't give up."
I was racing against sunlight to be at the campsite. I would prefer not to be hiking in the dark. I was totally exhausted and sun had gone down when I arrived at the end of the trail head. There was dusk left and that's another 45 minutes after sunsets before it is pitch dark. It took me another hour until I picked out my camp spot. I tried to look for Jan and his group but I didn't find them. I might have remembered wrong. It was nice of him to take me in and to watch out for my safety as a single packer. I went for a usual camp spot and it required a lot of ups and down on boulders. At one point I slipped and squished a banana slug. It was gross and slimy and squishy. I was very sad and sorry. I started to talk to it and apologize and passerby stared at me. I must have looked terribly in bad condition because they were all worried for me.
My head lamp somehow did not work. It worked when I checked it last night. I've had it over 10 years and maybe it was time for it to quit. I decided in the dark, I would cross the log above the creek anyways to get to one sandy camp spot I liked. I made it there and dumped my gear. I had not light and had to set up tent in the dark. It was good that I've had this tent over 10 years and have used it a lot to know the ways around it to do it in the dark. I've set up tent in camp enough times to know my way around set ups without any vision. I felt my way through.
I was too tired to eat anything and I was too cold. It was windy and cold. I had forgotten about such detail too. I didn't bother about any of it, I just wanted to sleep.
Didn't hit the trail until a little after 10:37am. I was close to three hours behind on my original scheduled head off. But that was how it was, I was tired and everything was in slow mo for me. My new internal backpack had more space for me to put more things in. I was quite happy about this but totally forgot about the fact that it meant more weight for me to carry. It was more than 8 years ago since I last did this trail. I totally forgot how rough it is. Back then I was 30 pounds lighter and packed light. So this current one is like adding 70 pound of new weight and I haven't done this trail for 8 years, totally not fit to do this.
It took me 3 hours to do the first 3 miles. I had to rest a lot. The chatter in my brain was a drain for me. I could not focus and work efficiently. I had not realize how chatty I was. How scattered I was over bits and pieces of frivolous information, sound bits, images from radio, magazine stand and TV. For what? Why? Just all garbage bouncing off the walls of my mind.
I wished my mind would be calm and still.I wishes I was at this capacity that I could hike 12 miles in one day at half the time it took me today.
There were lots of poison oak everywhere. What changed this time was I saw their presence as ways to ward people off the edge of the trail. They are there as good service and not to be hated. There were also lots of beautiful wild spring flowers everywhere. I really enjoyed looking at them. I also came across lots of lizards mostly with neon blue tale.
I came across a baby snake with yellow strips. I didn't see it and it didn't see me until we were close in contact and it stood on it's tale ready for attack and I froze. I walked backwards and said to it,"we can be friends in the Pureland and cultivate together." Then it slithered off. Then I came across another snake twice as big and I made sure this time I was not that close to contact before I passed it.
Lots of mosquito in the 5 mile creek camp area. It has been so long since I've been here that I had forgotten the way of the trail. I used to do this regularly that I was so familiar with it. Then I had doubts on the trail during crossings on whether or not I was doing the right thing.
At the 5 mile camp site I stuffed my mouth with a bag of black berried and totally smeared my face with it somehow. It was the first thing I ate. I didn't want to stop to eat in fear that it would stop my pace that was like a crawl already. I was so tired that my muscles trembled and was on verge of cramping. I had to hold onto them to hold the spasming.
At the 5 mile camp, I came across Jan who was a part of Sierra trail cutters. They help to clear trails. He spoke to me like a ranger with authority out of protection and care. He told me he hiked out a co-worker who had a bad case of poison oak. He had to make it back to camp by 6pm or else his group would worry. It was 3:40pm and I was pretty tired after 3rd mile and somehow made it to 5th mile mark. But I didn't want to stop. I didn't have the chi to do another 7 miles into my camp. I was already having a bloody nose. I think that was why Jan asked me whole bunch of questions about me so that in case I was missing or didn't make it he would know how to report me. But after a little rest and talking to Jan I somehow picked up second wind to head onto the next 7 miles. I really didn't want to stop camp anywhere. I knew where ever I stopped I won't be moving for a few days so it better be a good spot I want to stay at for days.
I asked myself why I was here, doing this. I wanted clarity on where I am, what was important to me. I thought to myself,"I could be asleep and having a good time at home too." But I was already here. I thought some more," life is suffering, cultivation is hard, but what other way is there? Don't fear challenges. Do not fear hardship. Do not fear fatigue. Just make sure I don't give up."
I was racing against sunlight to be at the campsite. I would prefer not to be hiking in the dark. I was totally exhausted and sun had gone down when I arrived at the end of the trail head. There was dusk left and that's another 45 minutes after sunsets before it is pitch dark. It took me another hour until I picked out my camp spot. I tried to look for Jan and his group but I didn't find them. I might have remembered wrong. It was nice of him to take me in and to watch out for my safety as a single packer. I went for a usual camp spot and it required a lot of ups and down on boulders. At one point I slipped and squished a banana slug. It was gross and slimy and squishy. I was very sad and sorry. I started to talk to it and apologize and passerby stared at me. I must have looked terribly in bad condition because they were all worried for me.
My head lamp somehow did not work. It worked when I checked it last night. I've had it over 10 years and maybe it was time for it to quit. I decided in the dark, I would cross the log above the creek anyways to get to one sandy camp spot I liked. I made it there and dumped my gear. I had not light and had to set up tent in the dark. It was good that I've had this tent over 10 years and have used it a lot to know the ways around it to do it in the dark. I've set up tent in camp enough times to know my way around set ups without any vision. I felt my way through.
I was too tired to eat anything and I was too cold. It was windy and cold. I had forgotten about such detail too. I didn't bother about any of it, I just wanted to sleep.
Shamed
Dream
My dad's dead mother whom I was not close to was scolding me and pointing at me with her index finger accusing me in anger, yelling at me saying that I wished for her to go to Pureland during her passing and I should be ashamed that I am a Buddhist and want others to. I cried and cried.
My dad's dead mother whom I was not close to was scolding me and pointing at me with her index finger accusing me in anger, yelling at me saying that I wished for her to go to Pureland during her passing and I should be ashamed that I am a Buddhist and want others to. I cried and cried.
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