Day 15
"Shui Li" is the same sound for the words that means "in the water". From a dream study perspective, the element of water represents emotions.
This week started with my ride down to Shuili with my cousin. In the car he told me about his wife's brother who died in the military. He was a military officer serving his military duty on a small island off JinMen. He was reported missing gone A-wall, the official military procedure for anyone who is not accounted for. He was on a small military island for military use only, where could he have gone, swimming? The journals and letter he kept noted how he was psychologically and emotionally under distress. He lead a platoon and was not getting along with his superiors. On the day of which he was last seen he was physically stripped of his officer rank off his shirt while on duty in front of his platoon by his superior. Nothing else was reported for that day. Another military service man said he saw him walk alone at night with a backpack on. This was all the family was left with. I was informed by my cousin that this plagued his in laws for a decade. Only recently have they let things go and is no longer in need of finding out what really happened to their son and where is his body. They have finally embraced the fact that no matter what the truth is of what happened that day, that night, regardless of where his bones lay, they cannot revive their son. I was instructed to not mention anything of this sort during my stay so they can hold their peace. I was sadden by this story and their grief. I wondered on my car ride, maybe I am to learn of how to let go of sadness maybe this is my life lesson for meeting them and staying with them.
Within 36 hours of staying with the Lees, while meditating I heard a voice, a male voice asking me to pass on the message, "he is well and is sorry for their sadness." Being very tired, maybe out of jet lag, maybe just tired from life and living in general my sense were flutters of images rapidly firing. How reliable is this voice and who am I hearing? I have needed a lot of rest and naps and have been doing so. I decided to follow my cousin's instructions to me and respect what I have been instructed to do. I thought back to the male voice and said, "you should tell them directly in a dream they would love to see you again, I am sure they miss you. It is better to not go through me, it is not appropriate, I think this is the better way."
I dreamed this week of my mom thanking me. I woke up thinking about the last time I was in Taiwan how it was night and now it is day. The last time I was here the winds blew night and it was about how I failed as a daughter. This time she's proud to have me as a daughter, day, the winds blew day. Life is just so, it is best to not take things so seriously. Night becomes day and day becomes night. Winter, spring, summer, fall, all come and go.
I think it is unwise to do harm with body or mind. You would have to do time and toil along until the pain is healed, until you have healed the pain you have caused, it could take life times until conditions are in match to meet up again so you can have the opportunities to do so, and even then we blow it, we may mess it up by creating more pain more harm, on and on we are locked in to do time in the future. It's also wreckless to create pain, creation of pain only gives birth to delusions. Stuck in delusion is just the same as stuck in the six realms of birth and death.
It's been a dream. I have only been in a dream. I haven't lived. I have only been in a dream. I have only been in fantacies of others and myself confused and lost frustrated, running away from shadowy things, chasing after bubbles, constantly in distress, constantly thirsty, hungry, craving, never satisfied, always hit and always miss. Lots of time and resources wasted on me. Feels different now. Feels good within. Feels grounded, feels light within, feels like a good home. The past no longer chases me like a dark scary sticky monster shadow. Feels really different, feels really good.
My cousin Wensen's wedding last weekend was fun. This is the first wedding I got to just be a guest and not work. I enjoyed it and don't miss any of the stress of being the photographer. I got to eat everything and hang out with family I haven't seen in years. I wondered what made everything feel so great. Was it the wedding ceremony itself? Was it all the blessing everyone came with that made it so wonderful? I don't know what is this wedding magic, and what makes it magical. I sure did benefit from it, soaked it all up and I am grateful.
This week I have been bathing in good hospitality, welcomed, respected in dignity, honored, and heard. I've had a glimpse of old age, time and use of time and energy. I should do things now that I can't do in my old age. I should start now things I can still do in my old age.
This week, I have had the opportunity to live a week of my life in the "what ifs". What if I didn't move to America, what would my life be like? What if my parents didn't move to America what would their life be like? What if I did not grow up in my family but was adopted at birth. Having lived this week allowed me to live these what ifs. I no longer have the these particular what ifs ponderings. I feel I have pulled my foot out of the past and the what ifs. Now I can plant them in the next steps of future.
Thank you ShuiLi
Good bye to Shuili,
Good bye to being in the water,
Good bye to being in the waters of the past emotions.
