Who?

I wondered if I actually lived my own life.  Or is it this shell, skin bag is an empty thing?  Who resides inside and why?

It's Okay To Ask For Help

Stuck chi all day, it was a snowball effect, one event after another picking up strength and speed.  I have no one to blame but me.  I failed to put on the brakes to end it all.  I spent all night thinking of this and did not sleep or could not sleep. 

I spent all night wondering why I encourage lies.  How I am not a pursuer of truth or clarity.  I made choices each day to be drunk, addicted, intoxicate, stuck in pain. 

I cried and cried as my body locked in anger and violence towards myself.  I kept telling myself, it’s not how I fall, it’s more important to get back up.  I looked to Guan Yin Bodhisattva for strength and calmed my body raging of violence.  I asked for help to end this and in truth I knew I haven’t done a thing to help myself.  I have fallen off my practice.

This kind of cycle sets up for self hating and self destruction.  I had to make sure I didn’t fall into the black hole of torment and pain and to get back on my feet, and get it together! 

Learning to Say More No's

In pain, first four segments of tail bone burned.  My butt cheeks numbed and burned all night.  It was difficult to sleep.  Walking was difficult today.  I am so tired from the lack of rest from all this pain. 

I went and took my car in to fix for my road trip.  I walked out with a one thousand dollar bill.  Oouch!  My car runs so smooth now.  My brakes are sharp.  This was long overdue. 

Trying to talk sense into my mom about money, that experience and exchange made me feel like I was dying in my chest.  My immune system was under attack.  I had a fever and I was in pain.  I had to physically rest. 

A friend called today wanting me to do this and do that, drive here and drive there.  I felt the distress and pain, a few hours before she called and I declined suggesting she finds another way other than this way.  My decline was to say no to pain and punishment, manipulation and control. 

Point Reyes

I woke up at 6:45am and was at Emeryville by 8:20am to pick up Toure and John for Point Reyes day hike.  We went to Acme bakery for bread, I got an olive round and a sweet round and cinnamon walnut current bread.  For breakfast they had apple turnovers and cinnamon roll. 

We stopped by Peets for coffee and for me to pee.  They drink coffee, I was not aware of this until now.  I saw Yadolla at Teance and stopped by because he made the effort to drop his mop and open the door for us so as we passed by.  I stopped to say hi and he offered tea, tea to go.  I told him I would be gone for three months this summer to camp all over and it felt really good to see him before I left.  Sam served me the cup of tea to go with gratitude and kindness.  My heart received it with peace and joy. 

The car ride over was somehow about u-turns and missing turns.  It was all a kind of obstruction.  I had previously felt this and was determined to push through it.  The ride in the car was fun, we joked about funny things, comedians etc… time flew by.  

We were at the ranger station by 10:34am and we checked out trails etc… Toure was all about the forest and John was all about the coastal trails.  We decided to do both and did the meadow trail to sculptured beach.   It was 3:30 when we sat and had lunch at the beach.  It was windy and we dipped bread in the palak paneer I had brought from the trunk, all ready to eat out of the pouch. 

The entire hike to the ocean was fun.  We chatted nonstop and sang.  The topic of conversations ranged from parallel universe to super heroes of comics to singing songs etc.  I had so much fun and effortlessness in interactions with them.  We took care of each other and looked after each other.  We helped each other on steps and shrubs in the trails. 

Why is it that every time there was so much obstruction for us getting together and doing things and learning about each other, helping each other out and deepening the bond?  How are we a threat to anyone or anything?  Or is our lack of interaction, in our separation itself is a kind of destructive force for each one of us?     

How I have missed such company in the likes of them.  I am so glad this day happened.  It was long overdue.  This is the beginning of a new era in my life.  I am so grateful.     

John wanted to hike along the coast and go to the coast camp, an extra 2 miles hike and then loop out back to the parking lot.  It was late and windy, I was cold.  I know the time we need to do this extra 2 miles and I would prefer to not have to hike in the dark without a head lamp.  Plus with respect to the White Horseman’s protection of the exchange of sun walkers of the day and moon walkers of the night realms, I wanted not push the system.  When you know better you do better and this is doing better. 

John wanted to press forward and Toure had the last say, and he decided to go back.  The way back is all incline.  The guys wanted to summit Mt. Wittenberg another .4 miles round trip.  I split with the guys to continue to the parking lot after checking to make sure that they could do that without me, hopefully not get lost and we would meet back on the trail I was on.  They later said they got lost, it was dark and creepy, they never made it to the top. 

I felt the return hike was intense.  Everyone was tired, focused and upset we didn’t do the coast camp.  The hike to the ocean John led.  The hike out to parking lot Toure led.  I learned a lot about John’s care and him as a teacher.  He is a very detailed, careful, thoughtful person and very capable leader in carrying out his plans.  I was impressed.  The hike out was quiet, not a lot of talking or joy.  Toure’s knee hurt.  We hiked 8 hours today. 

I split from the guys at the 8 mile mark, I hiked the rest on my own.  I knew I wanted to pee before the parking lot, and did so before the guys caught up to me.  They did a follow creep in ninja thing.  They turned it into a game and the mood shifted from intense drag to fun again. 

At the parking lot I mixed hot coco for me and Toure, John declined.  Toure went to use the restroom and I closed my eyes and felt a strong and stable head.  Even just 3 minutes of meditation was better than none and it was quality better than quantity.

While hiking today, I saw two large very tall protector behind me.  They were in white and were Heavenly earth strong.  They were stable and respectful.  I asked,  “Who are they?”  I heard, “They are with John.” 

In the car John got into business mode on the paperwork for the apartment.  He was quite upset over it.  It’s been an awful time for them.  It’s all a part of growing up.  

During a conversation about a scratched camera I missed the 101 south entrance and was up at Novato, yup, another u-turn of the many u-turns today.  

Both Toure and John fell asleep in the car.  John slept the entire ride.  John wanted Chinese food.  I heard him telepath wanting to pay for dinner.  I telepath him back, telling him to save his money for school.  We went to Long Life for dinner and John paid for dinner anyways. 

We all agreed that more people on this trip would be fun.  But I am not up for organizing anything.  My organizing days are done. 

Looking Past the Surface

I saw a friend today and chatted with her.  Her humor and playfulness is to uplift her from her deep sorrow, pain, and depression.  She has looked the best she’s looked on the surface.  Look deeper into her eyes and it’s grey brown sorrow.  It is easy to miss.  She hides it well.  She is doing the right things to get onto her feet. 

I saw John come in with a friend.  She sounded exactly like another female friend.  It’s the same being speaking, same dramas played in two different bodies, disgruntle, fearful, too good for anything, too proud, too poor inside, too confused, too destructive and poisonous. 

Saw Wren tonight too.  She looked so frail and fatigued, barely holding it together.  At the end of the lecture she looked full and the sparkle in her eyes returned. 

So Tired

I inhaled 19 travel books on National Parks in 3 days.  The things I can accomplish when I am focused and passionate about it.  

Majority of this week was taken up with physical pain, half was on upper back behind the heart, pain down to the arm plus second chakra back pain.  I needed extra rest time because I was not getting proper quality rest, I would wake up from the pain.   My head also ached along with fifth and third chakra, a dizzying sick pass out kind of pain.  I would be too tired to feel capable of engaging with another human being.  And when I did, my voice had no enthusiasm.  I would have to nap in my car in between each hour just to get by.
 

My body stank this whole week and felt really iky.  I really smelled bad.  I have needed anywhere from 10-15 hours of rest.  I would feel so tired.  I even skipped NBA eastern conference finals of Miami Heat vs. Chicago Bulls and ABDC.  I even skip Oprah.  

And when I found a window of surge in energy and concentration, I milked every speck of it to get things done.            

Sing!

All of yesterday’s activities really took chi, my voice this morning was hoarse and low, I knew how fatigued I was, yet I was not physically tired.  I should cash in on this change of voice and sing! 

People and The Stories They Carry

In the morning I hung out with Jojo and Caroline.  I brought Hello Kitty lollipops for her.  It turns out Jojo is on Sweet consequence time out.  She has two more days until she can have sweets.  I think the whole idea is deferred gratification and learning lessons.  She was trying her way out of it with hinting salty cracker treats instead.   I think the Hello Kitty lollipops is worth the wait.   We had food at Symphonies a vegan restaurant.  Lunch was nice.  I really enjoyed our time together. 

I went and got bread at Cheeseboard.  I got two baguette rolls for $1.36.  I also got two slices of cheese I didn’t want to eat but saw I should buy them so I did.  As I stepped out of the shop I saw the place to sit was on the left bench outside the door. 

There I met Rosie Ramirez from Honduras working in Kensington, going to night adult school and taking yoga three times a wee.  Whose husband died two years ago while working at a bank, during a robbery he got shot and died on the spot.  They have been married since they were 17 and have two daughters.  One is studying in San Jose State University in graphic design.  The other daughter is studying in San Francisco University majoring in psychology.  She has been in US for four years.  I gave her my cheese and offered my bread.  I think the cheese was for her.  She and her broken English plus my broken Spanish, we managed to converse for an hour.  It is just like this, share food, talk, connect, finish karmic cycle, heal, and move on. 

Then an Indian mom with four kids sat to the left of me with three art pads and a travel water color kit all sat and looked at the same corner and drew what they saw and colored it in with water color.  I found it so inspiring. 

Met up with Audrey and Stacy, we went to Flaco’s for dinner, a girls get together.  We then had tea and chocolate.  Audrey had to air out her pain and trauma in volunteering in CTTB for the past six months.  She was on a verge of a meltdown.  The sadness and insane pain in her eyes were difficult to look at.  Instead of asking her about things, I just talked about me, my days, Oprah, etc.. She can’t think, she doesn’t know what she wants, even simple things like dinner item.  I chatted about Oregon just to take a breather on the eye focusing on Audrey’s problems. 

We then met up with Loc to chat about The Fountain Project.  Loc went at it like a doctor on Audrey.  She was comfortable in his presence, things turned around for her then.  She started to talk about her fears and worries.  We spent the next two and half hours going back and forth on dreams, healing, and esoteric stuff.

Stacy mentioned many times tonight my house on the street, my garden and dinner parties, lots of talks we had and that she missed them.  She suggested we get together like this with Audrey in the future. 

I Can Do Better

Mediocrity is for Nay Sayers and Haters!  Those with healthy beautiful hearts say, “I can do better!” 

He Had Faith and Hope

Thinking of JFK, Bobby Kennedy, the Cuba missile crisis and Ven. Master Hua fasting during those times to diffuse the world war III, I realized I had been wrong.  I lost my way in these past three years.  I have lived in fear and pretense in defense for this and that.  Shr Fu didn’t say, living beings are to suffer, they will have to learn on their own.  He did what he could to prevent suffering of living beings and benefit them even if they keep creating destruction.  He had faith and hope in them.  I have lost my way and have gone bitter and scared.  I shall change these ways. 

Praying For Sages, Calling In Great Suffering

Thinking of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the movements he pushed forward, inspired this.  We all pray for heroes and sages, but when they appear, there is great suffering in the world, they usually go out in a bang.  That to pray for sages to be born is also to call in great suffering.

Children's Art

Went to visit the Kimuras, hugged the kids.  They are so sweet, just love them.  Lena drew me a picture of what she saw of us.  It’s perfect.  Children’s drawings are the best, they are honest and great at illustrating everything they see, exactly to what is going on at the moment. 

Not Sad, Just Miss Him

I passed out in the afternoon for 4 hours.  I was so tired and in so much pain.  My chest, thymus was strapped with darkness.  It finally cleared with contemplation of Earth Store Sutra.  As it cleared I saw it was linked to my sciatic where my butt cheeks controlled my mobility, my mobility to move forward in life.  My lower back, bum, and knees all hurt. 

What has been inflamed, sore, and in pain since January is my upper back behind the heart, it’s sadness that has surfaced.  I saw pains from experiences linked to this person that person who called me names, yelled at me, belittled me, treated me as a dump and the passing of my dog Yoyo.  I am not sad he died, a dog’s life is hard.  I just miss that friendship is all.     

Buddha's Birthday

Mother’s Day and Buddha’s Birthday
I rolled off at 5:45am, I was somehow confused about time. I kept thinking it takes me 2 hours to get there. I was on Berkeley time. It takes 3 from my current home. I woke up tired, my eyes were tired. I started to munch on chips to wake up. At around Hayward area I started to feel sleepy. I was sure to be careful to get onto Richmond bridge and on to 101 north. I did and paid the toll. Then after getting on 101 north I ended somehow on 80 east. The trouble was I didn’t notice I was on 80 east until I saw 9 miles to Vacaville. I was way out there. I turned around after seeing the Vacaville outlet. Not knowing I could get onto I12 or I37 to connect onto 101 north, I did a U-Turn back to 80 west into El Cerrito. I never did come across 101 north. I turned on Central and back onto I580 not I80. I got onto Richmond Bridge again and paid another toll.  Okay take three. I so could have arrived by CTTB by this time, instead I drove an extra 87 miles. So I drove for four plus hours one way.

I finally made it by 9:15am I ran for the toilet to pee, I so needed to pee two hours ago. I realized I haven’t been at CTTB in awhile. The place looks less abandoned and more lived in. The trees and plants, vegetation looked healthy and cared for. I missed the trees. I went around and visited the trees. All and all a beautiful day, beautiful sights of kind people. The bathing the Buddha ceremony was beautiful as always.


I saw the Laura and Elaine Tan together. They are very happy together. Laura is healthiest when she is with her sister Elaine.

It felt super cold in the dinning hall, I felt a bit ill from it so I went out to walk around and get some sun.

I didn’t roll of until 2pm. The 1st part of the drive into Santa Rosa was sleepy and dangerous, I had to pinch myself to stay awake. I didn’t shake off this zombie feeling until I reached Petaluma.

She's a Sneaky One, Hidding

After lunch I pulled out French truffle chocolate to have with Toure.  At the start he seemed guarded and hurt but was polite enough to sit with me and chat.  He loosened up after a few minutes and expressed his interest in going to Pt Reyes for a hike.  John finally showed up at the monastery and it was lovely to see him. 

I took a 25 minute break underneath a tree this afternoon.  This really rejuvenated me.  I felt my eyes cleared.  

My dinner disappeared so I had to go get dinner and decided to go to Cheeseboard Pizza.  It felt like a routine to go now.  When I got there I realized I went for the music and not the pizza.  I went for the rhythm of the crowd. 

I saw a friend tonight, I inquired about tea with her and noticed she was in a transitional healing space and having her do things, just the thought of it exhausts her.  She physically looked good.  The fatigue is around her eyes.  Her complexion is good and so is the beautiful spirit in her eyes.  She is a sneaky one, hiding her fatigue of life and living from the public.  I am glad she was able to say politely and articulate no and why.  I should have paid more careful attention to this matter.  

Instead of driving up to CTTB I felt too tired and decided to drive home.  It was cold tonight, windy too.  It was good I had the black fleece jacket on.

Different Train

Dream

I am in Asia, in the mountains.  I stood on a train platform.  There was a bullet train and I head for it, excited about my travels.  I was stopped by a presence, a female behind me, I only heard her voice, I felt but I didn’t see.  She said, “No.  You are to go on the other train.”  I stepped out of the fancy new platform that would have taken me to fancy cities.  

Instead I stepped down to the platform to the left, an old rundown, unmaintained lowest class platform.  It looked like it led to the country rural poverty stricken, unsafe areas of the boonies.  And at the moment of wondering and pausing, the female voice said, “There is nice food there.”  I thought, “I’ll go in search of good food.” 

At this time, a rusty, broken, old, dirty, disgusting train appeared out of the tunnel and pulled into the platform.  I wondered, ”why is this piece of junk still legally running, bad for pollution etc..”  I stepped on and the first seat I saw was to sit in the three seats facing the door with two windows behind it.  I sat in the middle seat next to a baby carriage.  

She was four feet by six inches young withered mother carrying a newborn infant and a toddler.  She looked like she worked in an unflashy red light district for a living, single and abandoned.  The baby in the carriage was yet unable to walk.  I felt tempted to pick up the baby for the mom since her hands were full.  

Then I look across from me, two women sat on the seats, one had her eyes on the baby in the carriage.  She had a plan to snatch that baby at a particular stop before the train doors shut and run with it.  I had decided I would interfere with those plans and escort this small family of three home if such plans were executed.     

Soft As Air

Dream

It is night time with clear sky.  It is an urban city high rise setting.  The stars in the sky setting a pretty backdrop to sky scrapers and colorful street lights down below.  I am in an indoor building surrounded by concrete and walls, a one story building.  

I feel bounded, imprisoned, suffocated by these walls and ceiling.  I looked at the walls and ceiling.  I wanted to be free of confinement.  The room was clean, furnished simply.  I looked at a wall and I see my hand reaching extending through the wall.  My body is soft and light.  I began to float in the air through the ceiling penetrating beyond the building without effort. 

I am now in a high rise in a upscale flat with contemporary furnishings, expensive and posh.  I am still surrounded by walls and ceiling.  I noticed the artistic beauty of the interior decor and I see beyond it.  Still there were walls and ceilings.  

I continued to float, soft as air through the walls and ceilings of each level of the high rise.  I am now at the top beyond the roof of the high rise looking at the city and its lights, I am still floating up into the sky, effortlessly calm, gentle, serene  No problems with leaving confinement, pretty decorated prison cells called lifestyle, calling it a living.  I take deep breaths to fill lungs of free cool air, liberation air, while looking at the stars, and I continue to float and rise above it all soft as air.   

I Should've Just Ditched These People

Dream

I am with Rinaldi.  People were playing badminton, we are chatting about it.  I wanted to play but the people I was with didn’t. 

How Did I End Up At the Library?

Dream

I am driving on Saratoga ready to make a right turn into Mitsuwa.  Next scene I entered a library and I am thinking what happened to going to Mitsuwa?  As I was thinking of this, a female flagged me and told me she can save my seat if I choose to hire her and handed me a strip of stickers that indentified she is watching the seat.  It was a crowded library.  I thought, “Mitsuwa, why am I here?  I don’t want to be here or her service.  This is not even legal this thing she is doing.”

Not Quite There

Dream

I am in the shallow protected part of ocean beach inside the break.  It’s an overcast day, not sunny or day time, not night either, enough light to see 100 feet, no blinding reflection.  Lucy was in the water too, no ocean wave breaks, more like river currents, gentle.  We are all in a class.  I had missed a few classes and there would be tests coming up.  Lucy debriefed me on skills taught and skills that will be tested.  These sets of tests were all to see the stage of development and strength of my core, all in water during a not so gentle current condition.  I tried the positions and recalled I had learned this before.  I can do this all of this.  Am I fit to carry them out?  Not fit to get a perfect ten for beauty in execution.  I may be able to demonstrate, I can identify, I can do some sort of display, I think if I can train my body for a week I can get back to a ten.

Down Too Long

I rested in my car at 8am in the morning feeling the warm sun after a 12 hour rest of the night.  The tension and the struggles and the anxieties in my upper body was present.  I didn’t know what all of this was and I didn’t care.  I just wanted to be free of them.  I tried to recite and I would find myself loose my spot.  I did feel each section of my upper body clear up.  I knew all along no amount of sleep, TV, chocolate, tea, and noodles would cure it.  It would just be one covering on top of another, layer by layer, getting lost and pretending the pain, disturbance, suffering, and affliction didn’t happen.  So I found a way.  I asked for spiritual help and support until I can do it for myself, until I can stop doing this to myself. 

After a one and half hour call that lasted an hour too long, I had a headache on the top left back corner.  I tried many things to bring relief and nothing worked.  My body flashed fire.  I was sweating in strange gross ways.  My arm and body was hit with a blanket of prickly dirty cold something.  Nothing I did worked.  I had taken a shower.  I was clean but I was soiled.  I was hot and cold.  I put on long sleeve jacket, for the cold, yet I was hot.  I felt a blanket of blocks on my creative arm channels, main artery, left shoulder. 

I then realized, unlike the “Freedom Riders” on Oprah’s show, I have been down and I did not get up.  I must heal the beaten corrupt sparks within myself.  I have been careless and unguarded.  I have allowed inspiration and enthusiasm to die within me in some aspects.  This I must heal.  This I must fix.  I hope to do so soon. 

Solar Recharge

It was a difficult morning.  I felt so disturbed and unwell.  I finally perked up by noon.  What a relief!  It literally is a blanket of engulfment, like a drug, fogs and takes over.  It felt really good to sit in the car and feel the sun.  I miss just sitting in the sun and feeling the warmth over looking beautiful nature. 

Keep Loosing My Blanket

I have been cold in my new sleep spot.  I lost my blanket.  How do I manage to loose my blanket when I am already sleeping on the floor?  So I woke up with a scratchy throat.  The right half of my face was burning in temperature.  This morning my head hurt and I was cold from the draft. 

Playing Broken Records

Woke up with my mind going off on the same broken records about this person, that person, this situation blah…. It was a pretty long incessant chatter.  Then it dawned on me, it was me who keeps playing these records and I am glued to it and I abandon my doors for thieves etc…  Then I remembered I needed to just shut up. 

Today was another day of pain.  I felt so sick, I felt deathly sick.  I felt a choker around my thymus, it was dark brown, some sort of grief engulfing me.  I also had a bad headache.