Hitting Walls

I am hitting the prickly walls of
“I can’t do this.”
“I haven’t been able to.”
“I will just fail.”
“I suck!”
It all puts me into pain, anxiety, spins my head and makes me go into a kind of terror that makes me think I am going crazy.

Freak Out Spinning

So many things traumatize me. I freak out over so many things and I become so easily overwhelmed, immobilized, paralyzed .

Why does the room spin when I try to memorize things? Is it the content or the activity of memorizing? This has been the case since I can remember. So I like to memorize things laying down, the room does not spin so much. But I run into the risk of falling asleep.

Everything felt so much safer, calmer when I opened the Surangama Sutra. All these images of threats, abuse, fear, anger, rage, violence flashed one after another and was arousing tension. What the healing would heal? It could heal all these past and past life pains. It could end the terror and the threats.

Drowning Myself

Spent the day drowning myself by watching Project Runway re-runs, reading manga and eating all day.  I did not care to pay attention to anxieties in the air that I was inhaling.