Just Couldn't Stop Crying

Day 12

I woke up at 7am and noticed everyone was gone.  Only Valerie and Fab was still around packing up.  I asked James to help carry my stuff to the Chan Hall so I didn’t have to make many trips.  I sat on the steps waiting for a ride down.  Valerie Tseng inquired why I was sitting all alone while everyone was down in the Can.  She gave me a ride down with all my stuff. 

As I loaded my car I chatted with Jia Hwei from Taipei branch now a nun.  I don’t know her ordained name.  She asked about my mom.  Then I recalled how she was stationed in Gold Sage Monastery of San Jose as part of her novice training.  It took me a good hour to pack my car in a away that I can drive it and see too.  I was so hungry when I was done I dipped 3 slices of white bread into the tum yum coconut soup.  I then noticed, the nuns forgot their breakfast and dessert portion for their van.  That van is going to be hungry on one meal a day. 

Silver looked exhausted laying on the gravel in front of the Can.  I was able to roll off at 10am.  I made a wrong turn before getting on highway 101 and u-turned right away.  At Roseburg I pulled over and got gas, cleaned my windshield and used the restroom at Wendy’s.  It was a very warm sunny day.

I turned onto i138 East to Crater Lake National Park.  I listened to music on my itouch.  It was a pretty hot day.  I was tired from the week and from the heat.  At Diamond Lake, Umpqua National Forest, I pulled to the right shoulder to look at the map and put the car in park mode.  I smelled fumes and tried to drive it and then I smelled smoke.  I shut off the engine to pop the hood.  It was smoking.  The transmission was leaking a puddle on the highway.   

My body went into shock mode.   Why should I be freaking out?  I’ve got AAA.  But I couldn’t stop this body’s reaction of crisis.  My body was shaking uncontrollably. 

A Christian family pulled over, three cars, two dogs, and their boat to help me.  They helped me push my car off the highway to the shoulder.  I had no cell phone reception.  They gave me a phone to call AAA.  They were so nice, checking the car fluids and transmission for me in the middle of this heat, taking time out from their family reunion break to attend to me.  The father was going to give me his phone and have me mail it back to him when I return home.  I did not accept.  I knew as soon as I am out of the mountains via AAA pickup I will have reception.

I tried not to cry but I found myself crying and talking the same time.  It was strange to me.  What was so scary?  Why was I so scared?

As I sat in the car and waited for AAA, I wondered if I should camp out at Diamond Lake until Monday when mechanics are open for business.  People don’t work on Saturdays in Oregon.  Gas stations also close for the night.  But I saw that I needed to be at the auto shop first thing on Monday so I still needed to be towed this weekend. 

A park security came via the Christian family to come and support me.  His cell phone had reception so I used his phone to call AAA again to see what the holdup was.  He asked if I needed anything.  I told him I just needed to cry and I sat and cried in my car and he sat in his car with a/c and watched me cry.  I don’t know why I was crying but I knew I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling.  

I sat in the car and tried to recite but my head was scattered.  I kept nodding off.  Then I cried some more.  I decided to eat some food even though I didn’t have much appetite.  I knew with all this trauma or at least how I am experiencing it as trauma that I needed some food in my body. 

Two hours had passed and the tow truck was nowhere in sight, just 30 miles out and still no tow truck.  I used the security’s phone to call and it turns out the tow truck was inside Diamond Lake Resort campground via other entrance and I was at the i138 entrance on the highway.

Bruce my tow truck guy finally came, it was so late in the afternoon already.  He said the nearest choice is Coosbay 80 miles, Klammath 100 miles, Medford 100 miles.  That there is no real mechanic shop in Schmoldt where his boss’s tow shop is and that is also the so called mechanic shop AAA had told me was the closest.  He would take me there if I wanted to but that he himself won’t get his car fixed there.  His boss is a gambler and he gets 25% of what his boss makes on each tow. 

I had doubts on whether or not Bruce is running me around for money.  I felt a clear answer in me to trust these options Bruce has laid out for me and that I shouldn’t worry anymore, or stress or feel troubled.   

 I decided I would complete my travel and go to Crater Lake via tow truck and from there nearest mechanic is Medford.  This was how the decision was made on which shop to go.  The ways on how I go about making decisions, seems random and odd but somehow works out to be the best in the end.  Yes and this meant 100 miles for $348.

Bruce gave me a tour of Crater Lake National Park and told me stories and history.  It was a fun ride.  Not a bad way to have to spend tow truck money on.  Crater Lake water is beautiful.  I passed by the campground I would have camped in and had to pass it up.  The exit south of Crater Lake, the entire highway was full of campgrounds. All were beautiful. I could camp in anyone and be happy.  But I had to pass it all up as I passed by it on this tow truck.  I so wanted to be there, any one of those campgrounds would have been fine. 

Bruce told me he was single but has been living with his girlfriend for 12 years.  I reminded him that they are legally married.  He said she has a thyroid problem and gained a lot of weight that she is at 230 pounds with swollen legs.  That his mom died of liver cirrhosis and how his father died 6 months later of lung stuff from his early days of working in the coal mine.           

We arrived in Medford way past dinner time and in this summer sun the sky was still in twilight.  Medford is a big city for Oregon.  We pulled over to an auto parts shop like a Kragen in Oregon.  Bruce looked at my car and wanted to see if it was just something loose he can tighten for me or just replace a simple clamp or tube.

In the parking lot we saw two Hispanic male mechanics and spoke to them in my broken Spanish, “Pardoname, auydame por favor.”   They looked into my car and saw the leak was from the gasket and something about something from the middle of the car.  It all sounded and seemed sketchy.  They recommended that I go to a dealer how they don’t have the equipment to fix this quickly on their own out of their house.  They said they’d have to take the entire car apart.  This part sounded scary to me and that they don’t really know what’s wrong with my car.  They said they have Sunday as their soccer watch day and it’s church day and family day too etc.. basically they don’t have the tools or the time or the interest.  I asked about where to sleep for the night and one of them asked the other if he could take me in all in Spanish.  It’s old school hospitality and kindness that isn’t common practice these days in America.  I did not find this to be a good idea.  It would not be street smart on my end.  All my travel alarms of safety rang loud all at once even though I did not find either men to be shady.   

Bruce took me to a nearby motel close to the mechanic shop certified by AAA.  Bruce says this shop is great and being certified they uphold a standard of quality and the rate is also standard.  My dinky run down old  scary looking Motel is run by an Indian family.  I wouldn’t have agreed to stay if not for the Indian owners whose family also lives there.  It was $35. a night.  The man Harry gave me 2 nights for $77. Including tax.  Is there tax in Oregon?  I thought not.
  

Bruce recommended I take all that I need for the next two days and what I can carry back via foot since my car will be at the mechanics and my only mode of transportation is my feet.  My other choice was Ramada, Quality Inn etc…  They were all at $80 plus per night.  Plus they were all off the highway and this shop is in the residential, too far apart.  When all was done, my car safely unloaded onto the mechanic’s lot, it was already 9pm.  Bruce wanted to take me to dinner.  I passed.  It’s so late, it’s been a long day and I have no appetite.  The idea of it just felt strange.  

I went to the room and clearly understood why I needed more camp food and supplies and how that did not make sense to me when I was packing for the trip back in May.   It’s what I would need this weekend, in this motel, waiting for the shop to open.  It’s a good thing I had breakfast at least.  I was so hot I decided to just lay on the bed with lights on.  I was too tired to cry, finally.

It was hot today and at night the temperature was 92 degrees.  The place fortunately had A/C.

Sol Duc Hot Spring

Day 37 National Park 2011

I began my day at 5am to pack out, I finish an hour later.  The misty clouds over the river and the mountain were still lingering and the sun was breaking through the rain clouds, coloring it beautifully.

I drove by Lake Crescent where the misty clouds hovered over the lake and day break was rising over the mountains, a very cool sight.  Lots of deer sightings all along the drive. 

I pulled into Sol Duc Campground Loop B around 7:15am.  I found site #65 across from the restroom.  The first thing I did was go and use the flush toilet.  My tent was very wet from yesterday’s rain.  I hoped it will dry a bit today.  The sun came through at 9am.  There are a lot of black slugs on this campsite.  Loop A is under remodeling and has vault toilet.  It is a loop for RV. 

My lungs feel really relaxed here, soft, full, and expansive.  I could just sit at this campsite and not go anywhere.  It’s pretty, everywhere is pretty and it is similar rain forest terrain at each site.  There is a creek here but that river bank I was on in Altair Campground is pretty hard to beat. 

I made split pea soup for breakfast and ate 3 rice crackers.  The sun peaked out for half an hour and then snuck away for the rest of the day. 

I met Susan from Vermont and Linda.  These two women met 20 years ago in England and kept in touch as friends ever since.  The last time they saw each other was 10 years ago.  They are both occupational therapists and taught in Waldorf Schools as teachers.  Susan just retired and is traveling in her car all over the country including Canada, covering all the national parks.  Linda is still working because she lost a lot of her money in stocks.  She signed up for Spirit Rock ten day Vipassana Retreat in August.  Susan really wanted me to go on the waterfall trail with them.  She felt the three of us are cut of the same cloth.  We just kept on chatting on chatting for two hours standing off the road.  It turns out they only stayed one night last night and had plans to meet other people in other places today.  I pulled out chocolate truffles and shared with them.  It was a lovely crossing of paths today.  Perhaps we were friends from past lives. 

I declined to join them because I have yet to meditate and do my morning ceremony.  I then went to pay for my site#65 for $14 a night.  Then I sat and marveled this thick mossy forest.  It’s like Kentucky Falls with flush toilet, potable water, electrical outlet and hot springs to soak in.  It is very quiet here.  All I want to do is meditate.

My neighbors are Sawyer and Jeb from Georgia.  They are on nine national park trek all along the west of Rocky Mountains.  They brought measuring tapes to make sure the site is big enough for their tent, super precise people, perfect in execution of things. 

Half of my tent is wet, it just won’t dry here.  It’s a good thing I have padding to separate me from the moisture.  Total downpour at 3pm, I put up an extra layer of tarp for coverage.  It’s not a rain forest without the rain.  I ended up putting all my things on top of my pad to keep the flooding level to a minimum. 

This weather is perfect for soaking in the hot springs.  I walked straight into the pool area and there was no attendant at the window.  It is easy to walk in and not pay.  However karmic side of things, it is bad.  So I went into the Lodge store and packed up a postcard along with chips.  As I went to pay, Shelby was at the cash register.  I smiled and greeted her.  I told her I was happy to be here and inquired about the hours for the hot spring, 9am-9pm.  She asked me if I was alone.  She said she is allowed to give one free admission a day and I took her up on it.  It’s a part of the lodge thing and so I got a towel too.  I was happily surprised and she was happy to give me this gift.  I offered chocolate to her and she declined.  I handed her a box of Belgium chocolate anyways and she was delighted.  I wanted to match her joy of giving, kindness, and surprise.  That was fun!  Getting it done karmic right is so much more fun.  What a beautiful way to live life.

The world greets me and rises up to wherever I am.  Sometimes I don’t realize how I am beaming high until I see it reflected, matched by others.  Many times I don’t see the down in the gutter internal state I am in and refused to acknowledge it when the world meets me down low in the hells mirroring it for me to see.         

Tom the window staff at the hot spring pools is a honest gentle folk who wouldn’t judge or be looking out for dishonest sliders on the admission.  There just is something very stable about that and him, so he stands like the mountain, strong, stable, unmoving, nurturing, and majestic.

I went for the 103 degree pool and met Gaylain and Kathleen from Maysville who took the ferry from Townsend.   I asked two boys from Kent Alex and Eddie if they could fart with their armpit in water.  They had youthful fun spirit.  Then a middle aged serious not so healthy looking man sat between us and ended it all.  The water is well maintained here and drained throughout the day and refilled.  I love this part, keeping it all clean. 

I met Marie and Judy, both in their retirement age.  Both are in their 60’s but look in their 70’s.  Marie was a disgruntle person who really doesn’t like crowds get seems to need a lot of attention and demands it.  Judy was flaunting her baggy wrinkly body at me like she was posing for a bikini magazine.  I find them strange, scary, and felt drained by them.  I did not feel safe around them.  I don’t want to continue my stay here at this campground  or in these pools in the future because I don’t want to come across them. 

I felt the sore spots along my lower back around my spine.  I saw they were round golf ball size in burnt blood red, black, and purple colors.  I just wanted to take a vacuum and suck those pockets of balls out of there so my life can resume in full force.   I soaked for four hours. 

The showers composed of group shower heads.  It had a sensory touch that keeps the water on and off.  This day feels like

I learned the Neah Tribe is under lots of drug issues.  I am glad I opted to skip that area.  In one day I came across a lot of single retired women, all of whom found themselves in such position unwillingly.  The ones who knew how to feed themselves and make themselves comfortable in the basics of sleep and food are making healthy adjustments.  The troubled ones, are miserable, and a bit strange and scary.  They are the ones with really bad attitudes too.  I don’t feel safe around such people. 

The rain continued all afternoon and the rest of the night.  The fog rolled in and hovered over the mountain and wrapped around the trees, just smoky lovely.  I had a great time.  At 10pm the blanket of overcast below the moon light kept the camp well lit. 

Leave Better Than How They Arrived

Day 26 National Park 2011

The wind finally stopped this morning.  With all this rain and wind, my tent and car both got a good cleaning.  No mosquitoes too, they were smart to avoid the rain and wind.  The birds are singing again, which means the weather is sunny.  I got up at 5am.  The tent required cleaning from a collection of water that gathered underneath and a bit of dirt around the edges.  This made the tent take down twice as long.  That’s how it is, otherwise I’d be getting water and mud into other parts of the tent.  Packing up took an hour.  Somehow tea took another forty minutes.   The drive to Apgar Campground via Two Medicine Lake and Goat Lick took 2 hours and 40 minutes.  This short drive put me in massive fatigue. 

When I pulled to the gate, a grandfather, an elder in skin and bones, did not shake, took my credit card for a new annual pass for national parks.  I perked up here.  As I pulled into Apgar Village for the campground, I proceeded with what I saw and ignored everyone else’s good experience and advice.  I just saw the area where my site would be and chose #A59 across from the restroom.  A loop is on the left towards the lake.  My driveway can fit six Honda Accords.  The tent area is standard national park size, so is the picnic table and the fire pit.  The water spout is in front of my site.  The bugs refused to get off my tent this morning so they are all here on this side of the park.  I was worried they wouldn’t survive the packing and the car ride but they did.

I watched my neighbor Everet use the water pump spout to learn how to control it.  It is not meant for a cup, a bucket is more like it.  A young teenager runs around the campground in loops, what a good idea.  People ride their bikes here.  Lots of people packing out and lots hammers hammering away in setting up.  It’s going to be a busy weekend.  Lots of people drove up in a car to get a site for their family and friends who will be coming up this weekend. 

Everet is from Cincinnati Ohio and loves Rocky Mountain National Park who recommends I take a train in Colorado one day.  He saw me trying to move the picnic table off the tent platform, the only spot not on a slant on this particular site.  Everet is in his late 80’s and he came to offer help in aiding me on moving the picnic table.  But I didn’t want to trouble his aging body so I told him I liked it as is.  I moved it after he left.  I slide it off the platform. 

The tent set up didn’t take too long.  I swept the inside where there was a collection of dirt.  I hope the wet part of the tent will dry and not mold.  I put food on the dash of the car for solar heating.  It’s all cooked just freezing cold. 

It’s like an RV show here.  People are rolling out their fancy mobile homes on wheels.  My site is perfect, the bus stops two sites over behind me.  The ranger said the bus will start running tomorrow.  No wash sink here and the restroom is full of rust.  No shower facilities here either. 

I met the campground host John who stood there greeting people and he had mountain eyes.  We chatted for awhile he was very nice, warm helpful, held his own space really well.  John told me about Fish Lake Campground, how the campground host there is very militant and monopolizes the campground for Fish Lake campers only.  That those hosts are on sensitive grounds for stepping on so many people’s toes for chewing out other campground hosts for sending people that way for showers.  John vented and stated it all as a matter of fact that supervisors pay attention to such things and that they won’t be here for long.  Affirming how the staff here is to help people.  They hope people come in one way and leave better than how they arrived, transformed.  The staff is here to assist people in that process and not make people unwelcomed or don’t want to come back.  John had integrity and is a good steward, guardian that the park called in.  I felt safe in his jurisdiction.  I recognize his sound.  I sing it the same.  He was strong like a rock, like earth, not moving, just there. 

I went to both Apgar Visitor Center, and Lake McDonald Lodge.  The restroom at the Lodge where there was hot water for the sink.  I stepped onto the deck of the lodge to look at the lake.   

I then drove straight to Avalanche Lake Trail and Trail of Cedars where all traffic stops because it was the end of road access blocked by snow.  The trail of cedars smelled wonderful.  The trees were beautiful and had an air of lightness around them.  The sun flashed in and out.  The moss covered the floor bed.  The trail had planks.  I like planks, the grounds are protected this way and so are the tree roots.  The cedar trees and cottonwood trees have shallow roots, they cling onto the stony mountain.  I had fun looking at trees, barks, needles, branches, and roots.      

I continued up Avalanche Lake Trail and saw a sign, “trail partly closed due to flood damage”.  I proceeded anyways to get a workout.  The trail was magnificent.  “Lord of Rings” came to mind and Gandalf the Grey, “You shall not pass” came to mind.  The running cascade and waterfall were so pretty in light matcha tea color.  It was so clean and clear, it looked delicious.  I put my hands in to feel the water.  This was my dunk for the day.  Others put their feet into the water.  I found the river to be super healing. 

I had fun getting my photos taken.  I felt so light and happy, I skipped and hopped.  At the east side of this park I felt like running.  If it wasn’t for my injured ankle I’d do split leaps, cheer jumps.  I also photographed other people for them, couples and families.  I had fun.  I am happy and grateful. 

The overflow parking was the Avalanche Creek Campground Loop A.  I parked at A153.  After my hike I snacked in the car and saw a deer swing by my car from the back to the front counter clockwise, then disappeared into the woods.  What a pleasant surprise.  It was a very playful deer going here and there. 

I proceeded towards Lake McDonald and pulled over at the various pullouts to look at the river, waterfalls, cascades.  I drove into Sprague Campground and found it to be very small loop.  One side faces the lake other the road traffic.  I pulled over the lakeshore access and ate most the cinnamon roll.  I sat on the fallen tree and listened to the high tide roll in.  The water is a beautiful green blue color.  I had fun, what a treat. 

Then I stopped at the Apgar Village and walked around the shops.  I came across a man looking at huckleberry shelf.  We started talking about huckleberry.  He said they pulled over on the way in to pay twenty dollars for a giant huckleberry pie.  The shop is on i93 next to a cherry stand.  The woman closes shop at 3pm.  That when I see a windmill, I am to turn right.  I hope that means right my direction on the way out. 

I stopped at Fish Creek Campground.  It’s quite a ways away from everything even though it’s two miles away from here.  I wanted to see the sites.  There was a super long line to check in at the kiosk.  I decided it was alright to skip showers and be nature clean. 

I felt so tired I just wanted to skip dinner.  I made it back to camp at 6pm.  Everet along with other campers had their fire going.  I decided to duck away from all the campfires.  The camps felt quiet in a packed campground.  The reason is that each campsite has plenty of space allocated for privacy and nature.  I had told Everet earlier today that I wanted to sit at a campfire and now tonight I didn’t want to.  He made a nice campfire and I did now show up.  I did not find his wife feeling warm towards me and I felt it was best to not intrude into their vacation.  This life, Everet and I are 45 years apart, yet we conversed like we were great spiritual friends of the past.  It was a beautiful delightful reunion.

Close Call With a Mountain Goat

Day 25 Glaciers National Parks 2011

The rain stopped at 6am this morning.  I had quinoa, blueberry croissant and Bao Chung tea.  The Southern German couple came to chat with me at 7am.  They pulled out a map and I recommended that they stay at Many Glaciers and then come back and do this part when the buses run tomorrow for the season.  They have six weeks of summer vacation.  They are going to cross Canada and that they have already done Olympic National Park, Mount Rainer National Park, and Cascades National Park.  They worried for my safety in traveling alone.  Their RV is 25 feet and 5 feet too long for the road.  So they will have to take the bus to do the road for Logan Pass area. 

I rolled off at 8am.  I did not know how many miles it was going to take me to get to the Cut Bank trail head.  The ranger said to look for houses on the side of the road and the East Glacier National Park sign, that it is the right turn onto the gravel road.  Well, it was five miles of very gravel road.  The entire five mile drive was filled with flowers in purple, sky blue, heather, yellow, and white flowers, totally storybook stuff beautiful and fun.      

I went to look at the Cut Bank campground sites.  It was $10 a night, no flushing toilet, had an outhouse, very gross, no drinking water, and no sink to wash.  I say it is better to backpack, nature is cleaner. 

It was 9am when I was on the trail.  I stepped onto a hill filled with wild flowers.  It took me a long time to travel the first 100 feet.  I stopped to admire the flower on a very windy cold day.  The walk was along the river.  The forest bed was covered in lush greens and flowers, I even found orchids.  It was a storybook setting, way better than Hollywood or Disney.  I was the only one on the trail.  I turned around when I came across a muddy section of the trail that I could not cross.  I was close to the snow block where I would have to turn around.  I really enjoyed my hike.  Rangers, the ones that look like they hike the trails, they really know what they are talking about, their recommendations so far has just been right on, perfect!

This day was a day for contemplation.  I wondered if Ralph Waldo Emerson came here first, would his Walden be called Glacier? 

I thought about this on the trail.  That I had been so careful to stay away from others who are in authority with bad habits and for those whom I had authority over I felt reckless and freed, immune to their bad habits.  I was wrong.  I was not immune. 

I drove on the unevenly paved gravel mountain road 49 to Two Medicine Lake.  It was beautiful.  I didn’t feel a strong connection to the area.  Maybe it was the wind.  Maybe I was tired.  I went on the scenic point trail.  I walked .6 miles to the falls.  A big sweet honest kind man come and approached me with joy that he just saw a mountain goat with horns on the trail and got it in pictures.  He was happy as Christmas morning. 

I also came across a female ranger who recommend the hike, she along with two female friends who were visiting her just backpacked it.  The ranger had clear bright laser crystal eyes, not an ordinary spirit in a common human body. 

At 2:45pm I turned around, it was thirty minutes before I had planned.  On the way back I saw a mountain goat run towards me on the trail.  I quickly pulled out the camera and he jumped, flew and leaped around me on the trail.  It was cool, we were just a feet apart.  He went for the greens ahead.  It was actually a dangerous situation because he could have ram his horns into me.  I am glad he didn’t.  I followed him and he disappeared to dodge me.  What a delightful experience!  The goat might as well has been an unicorn, it was that much fun for me. 

I saw a mama horse and a pony today on the drive back, it was a pretty sight.  When I was back on 49, I was very sleepy and I decided to take i90 instead to Cascades.  I pulled over to St. Mary’s gas station to fill my gas tank.  I shopped in the store and saw a hammock I wanted with mosquito net for $110.  I found it to be too expensive, I will keep looking.  I checked out the café.  More Chinese ladies working behind the counter and I tried a huckleberry ice cream taster.  I noticed these workers served ice cream scoop size that was of Asian standard, tiny.

When I returned to camp, the German couple left and a young couple from Amsterdam arrived.  Their RV was a $10,000. used van they bought off Craigslist purchased with the help of friends from Boston, MA.  They said renting a car for six months was going to be $7,000.  That with rental there is car insurance to come fix your car.  But with this they can sell it when they are done.  They had two months left.  I showed them photos from National Parks I've taken in the past few years.  After seeing my photos they decided to do Antelope Canyon.  They schedule three to four days in each place.  They have traveled a lot and done many things so they skipped things that aren’t up to the par.  They are tourists visiting, passing through.  I am passing through and living in each place, very different approaches, same destinations. 

Tonight was very windy, I put on three layers and then I went to the amphitheatre to catch Blackfeet storyteller, singer perform.  He had and intense serious no none sense eyes and a joyful childlike mouth that smiled and laughed.  He was interesting to watch. 

At the end of the night I gave the Amsterdam couple my Yellowstone map with Tetons on the back. 

The wind shook my tent violently tonight.  I didn’t mind.  I put on gloves because the temperature for tonight was in the 30’s.  I decided to just sleep in what I needed to be in tomorrow so that I wouldn’t complain about the cold clothes I have to change into.