Silver is Still Alive!

Day 1 

I woke up super tired, ill to the belly, and a cold prickly acidic feeling.  I heated hot water for tea to warm up my belly.  I had extra hot water left and nowhere to put it.  I ended up hugging it to warm up my body. 

Contemplating the annual Buddhist Sutra Meditation camping retreat I am to enter today, I had this prayer.  In service, my hopes are for all to grow strong, to transform, to transcend the upside down ways of the mind that creates karmic habits of Saha world. 

I woke up with a sore back and I woke up tired.  I just want to rest some more. The seaweed sweet potato porridge was awesome, just what I needed.  I so needed this meal seven days ago.  I juiced all the oranges and it was a perfect 32 oz. 

I rolled off at 12:15pm, I was already sweaty, dirty, and gross from packing.  The staff tried to clean my site all morning but checkout was 1pm and I had plenty of time to take my time.  The maintenance crew here runs the place like hotel crew.  They all zip out at 10am from somewhere and see each other once a day, check in and then get to work. 

I pulled over at Coosbay at McDonalds to get on the Wireless.  It was lovely to receive mail from my brother in law Andrew offering  phone card access incase I run out of phone minutes.  I parked next to a single mom with two teenage daughters.  The mother and older daughter sat in the car while the younger one shared a smoke with same age boy leaning on the mom’s car.  It was a strange sight to me.  That the mother would approve of the smoking and that all three of them were on a date at McDonalds.   

The drive from Coosby to Reedsport was long and exhausting somehow.  I just felt lots of static interference hitting me at once.  I don’t even know how I made it to the retreat safely and how I managed to stay awake. 

I pulled into the Lower Smith River road and it looked different every year.  I wouldn’t have recognized it by the scenery.  When I pulled into Half Can, Silver didn’t greet, he was no where around.  I wondered if he was alive.  I felt Matt was sleeping.  Everything was locked and I needed to pee bad.  I didn’t want to pee on monastery grounds even though we are camping, but I had drank so much OJ.  So I packed my tent and squeezed through the fence and gate, which was also locked.  I hiked up the hill and set up my tent and dried the space blanket.  I can tell the men will have their work cut out for them.  There just is so much to do to get this retreat space set up for the mass to arrive in a few days. 

I asked the same site as usual for permission to rest there.  It’s always nice to get permission.  The bed was covered with soft and tender needles.  If it wasn’t for the twigs and rocks I’d just sleep on it as is.

I enjoyed my stroll down the hill back to Half Can.  I liked this quiet alone time any time of the day.  This hill, maybe it’s the angle of steepness, it commands respect for quiet contemplation.  Usually I am just too tired from a lot of work that I can’t take in the details of the hill.  This very moment might just be my only chance to take it all in on this once a year retreat. 

I had planned to hike a few more times to carry the rest of the stuff on my back.  When I got down to the Half Can Silver was there whimpering.  “He’s alive!” I happily thought, “thinner but alive.”  The doors were open and I saw Matt cleaning.  He looked like a monk with hair.  His face looked holy in this moment of solitude in cleaning. 

We sat underneath the tart Granny Smith apple tree and chatted.  When he chatted he had rage in his eyes and face.  He talked about high school friends and how he went to his 50^th reunion at the age of 73 and how his peers have jet setting jobs, lifestyle etc..  He didn’t’ see himself as successful of a person in Turtle Mountain as a steward.  That he had a few panic attacks this years and took himself to the hospital.  When he was in this negative emotional state he looked like a layman, totally off centered, ungrounded, needy, clingy dependant. 

So I didn’t do my second or third hike in my bad ankle.  I was saved by the presence of Stacy and everyone else’s arrival.  I was glad I didn’t show up any earlier than I did because I could not handle Matt or Silver’s emotional dispositions.

 I watched Stacy, Tina, Alice get out of the car and I noticed how harmonious they were.  I was happy to have such a good start to begin this retreat. 

Dinner was noodle soup for simplicity.  Elaine and Tina showed up with Yip and Sim.  Yip is eating one meal a day.  Sim is Vietnamese form Hungry who has been learning Mandarin in CTTB the last 6 months.  She is very helpful but tries to run the kitchen without experience in general or knowledge and is lost in translation, so it was a bit overwhelming for me to work with her. 

Matt started to get going when people arrived.  Some people do need others to jump start their stagnant slump. 

The washer was clogged and I couldn’t do laundry. 

There was issues from last year and stuff gets lost in communication in translation and distance that it was best to just follow Stacy’s instructions on how to handle supplies this year in order to avoid more drama.  I didn’t get to shower tonight.  The shower has yet to be cleaned, it’s been a whole year since it was last cleaned.  I should have showered before I left camp this morning.  We ate dinner  in candle light. 

I noticed both Silver and Matt were both off this year, I wondered if their life line was coming to a closure. 

Two tents were set up for Henry’s truck in the Can so when they arrive they can just roll their stuff into the Can and just go to sleep.  All of Elaine’s crew’s stuff is on Henry’s truck, so they sat above in the loft for the night because even the loft has yet to be cleaned.  

Pretty Tiny Green Frog Size of a Toe Nail

Day 49 National Park 2011

I woke up at 4am and packed up camp.  I headed out for Battle Rock for sunrise.  I decided I would go straight to Bandon after and not return to Humbug that I needed to be at Bandon's Bullards beach campground no later than 9am.  I stopped by the restroom and made tea for sunrise.  I parked at the parking lot and saw fog blanket everything.  It was beautiful, and not what I thought for a colorful red sunrise.  I sat and just drank tea and looked out the horizon. 

I contemplated about karma, how it is still the same regardless who notices, who approves or disapproves, who recognizes or not.  It can’t be taken away because of this person’s story or spin on things.  None of it matters.   

Then I felt a depression, a weight on my chest and my mind drifted into dreams of drama, my mind wanders out of fear and reacts in the form of control.  This is movement of darkness within the mind.  The weight lifted when I realized this thing encourages harm and fear, not fearlessness, safe stability and peace.  So I stopped and the weight lifted from my chest. 

I stopped at the grocery store to get rosemary La Brae bread and I didn’t really like it.  I rolled into the campground at 9:14am.  Bob at the kiosk highlighted six sites on the map for me to choose from.  I asked for his recommendation so I didn’t have to do the run around.  He said out of these choices he liked B41 because there are neighbors to the left and right of the campsite.  He insisted I check it out and verify it before committing because people haven’t checked out from site B41 and I can’t register yet.  I drove to look at it and confirmed it.  It’s all tight sites here and packed in like parking lot spots.  People brought their giant RV and are holding their extended family reunions in these sites hanging Christmas lights and Dish TV etc..  I sat until 11am when I was able to finally set up the tent.  It was good I got to the kiosk early because the line got popular and long after me. 

I also visited yurts, I saw each yurt had three beds with heat and no cooking is allowed inside, it’s just $36 a night, what a steal.  The volunteer grounds crew said they reserve the yurt 50 people conference room once a month for volunteers potluck.  What a good idea.  This is a popular campground and there is a lot of staff keeping the place tidy and fast. 

While I sat in my car waiting for my site to vacate, I saw a big plump dog walk by.  In my mind I wondered if it was a dog or a pet mini pig.  I thought, “fat” and then felt the hit in my stomach.  The dog heard that and snapped back, threw crap in my third chakra.  All of it was true, I wasn’t mocking it. 

I set up my tent and hammock.  I moved the picnic table to a nice spot.  I am so excited about the hook up box.  I plugged my long extension chord in and heated the water and charged everything.  I used the induction stove all day.  I cooked napa cabbage in hot and sour sauce then the mung bean noodles in sate sauce. 

I saw a tiny little green frog the size of toe nail on a neighbor’s hook up box.  It was beautiful.  When I drove around the loop, I saw lots of little children on their bikes circling around the loop.  I watched how the older child upon seeing a car will stop, drop his bike and move to roll the little one out of the road in quick urgency.  I find it amazing and beautiful to see. 

I was so tired I took a nap from 2pm-5:45pm.  It was a great nap

My next door neighbor is from El Dorado County, a German man named Harold and his Korean Kauian wife Kim and their two dogs.  Kim gave me seaweed from Oregon beach.  I sat in their campfire and we chatted all over , Harold and I.  Seriously, I can like be silent for months and then I can just jump from that and chat nonstop.  I gave them a box of beautiful delicious Belgium chocolate but I found out Kim was allergic so I gave then cherries instead and Kim said she was hopping for cherries to begin with.  Harold told me about berries to pick in the area.

Oregon for the past few days was a good public, crowd, community, assimilation.  I am okay, I am not feeling too overwhelmed.  I do appreciate 10pm quiet hours.  It is too much all day long, human noise, human activities and all the chatter and interaction.  I was stuffed at 10pm and so I decide to write postcards, all nine of them to send and I charged my batteries.  It was after midnight when I was done.  I went for my shower.  It felt cool for the cold evening ocean temperature.  I had goose bumps and shivered as I showered.  The sensory light went off part way and I tried not be scared during the shower and I was.  I just jumped out of the shower and turn my headlight on.  The sensory light kicked back in.  I hope to not get sick over this.  Shower is included in the camping fee too. 

At 1am, April, John and Dad and the rest of the family were still talking.  It’s good that they have good relationships like that to bond over family.  Sharon, the sister complained yesterday of the quiet hour volunteer patrol who came by to remind them it was quiet hour.  She connected to when she was six years old and in Yosemite, she happily set up a squirrel trap on the trail and a ranger on his horse told her it was illegal.  That shock crushed her and she still has issues of park authorities today.  I can’t believe in her 50’s, that she is still carrying that and said she still has issues with authority over it. 

Then I wondered what issues do I still carry?  How am I like Sharon this way?    

She Could Have Been Cindy Brady

Day 48 National Park 2011

The light house sounded all night in the fog.  I felt fully rested by 4am and got out of the car and stretched.  I sat on a pillow and covered my legs with a blanket to stay warm.   I was moved by the sunrise in the midst of fog.  I watched the sky dance in colors from 4am to 6am.  At 6am the ocean glistened and reflected the sky in jeweled colors.  And it was then I realized, sleeping in the car was all about this sunrise.  This was a perfect place to rest for the night. 

I decided to drive around and I found a beach access with public restroom.  Then I proceed to Port Orford and saw Battle Rock and I knew where I was and that I needed to get gas before I ran out.  There wasn’t much south of here for gas.  I asked the service guy where the next campground was and he said Humbug State Park that is 6 miles south.  I actually drove all the way out to Gold Beach because I still wanted to be on the beach.  Plus it was too early to set up camp in Humbug Campground because people were all still asleep.  When I circled the campgrounds, I felt the calm of the place and knew I could rest there.  I saw Gold Beach, it isn’t gold and I didn’t find the beach.  Most importantly I didn’t like the energy of the place.  At this point I was pretty close to the boarder of California.  I turned around and drove back to Humbug.

At Humbug State Park Campground I drove around the loops three times.  It was fully packed.  There was just one empty site from last night #8 and it was still empty.  Everything felt not prefect about each site and this particular one, too small, that too tight etc…  But I felt it was about the neighbors and people I will come across that was of importance so I went for it and parked it. 

I met a little blond curly hair blue eyes girl who could have been Cindy Brady.  Her name was Amy, she was super cute and sweet.  She gave me the low down on the trail by the river, terrain by terrain and she is like 8 years old.  And that I am to call her name across the campground if I have any further questions.  She was on a pink bike.  But it wasn’t her beautiful clear sky blue eyes or her perfect blond golden locks or her flashy pink bike that drew the attention, it was her sincerity, genius, being at the moment, not needing any attention or have the need to impress others in her interaction and communication that was priceless, beautiful, pure and perfect.  I felt honored to be in the presence of this amazing soul in this tiny child body. 

I paid for my site and check out the facilities.  I did love how new it was and how clean and beautiful the place is.  I decided I would take two showers because I can.  There is no time limit and it’s included in the camping fee.  I so needed a shower.  I was happy about the sun on my site so my tent can dry and air out. 

My neighbor was from Oregon, a family of siblings without parents, young adults with their dogs and significant others.  They had a canopy with bug net and two gas grills, fire pit grill, along with a propane fryer. It seems like there is going to be some serious cooking.  I looked at the low propane stand and wondered if I will get one of those.  They all coughed and smoked nonstop.  A tight close family who reminisced about their father with love and there was no mention of the mother. 

I tried the soy chorizo from Grocery Outlet, I was not impressed.  But it was some form of vegan food and I ate it anyways.  I needed a nap but I decided to would drive 6 miles to Port Orford Battle Rock Beach and catch the low tide to see the star fish etc..  I parked and saw the tide was still not low enough for star fish petting.  I went into the visitor center and asked how to read the low tide chart and the staff said it is currently low tide and there are three hours before and after range to work with.  However the low tide today said two plus feet above zero so it is the lowest tide for the day but because it is above zero it isn’t low tide was thinking of, the kind that reveals star fishes and others.  The next segments of bellow zero low tide is mid to late this week for a few days.  I was informed of the ten resident whales sitting out by the rocks, they are the dark shadows in the ocean.  Because the sun is out it is hard to see them in the ocean that is a reflecting mirror under the bright sun.  With the wind, waves, and reflecting light, that early mornings are better for whale sighting, like around sunrise time. 

I drove back to camp and took a three hour nap.  I was so tired and sleepy that I slept with the rainfly open on both ends for circulation of heat and air.  When I woke up I ate berries and cherries and salad with olives and artichoke hearts.  It really hit the spot. 

At the trash can area I met Beth from Washington, Tom and their two dogs Bailey, a four year old beagle and Wilbert, a drooling hound who loves to put his paw on your face.  Beth and Tom are rock collectors.  They did Wyoming, and then Oregon for geodes and agates.  Tom is a 57 year old retired fireman who built his own cedar house on five acre land and built his own two ponds on his lot.  He likes to plant trees and plants.  He will uproot them off the road when he see them as he travels, much like rocks. 

 

Beth began meditating recently after two episodes of composting artery that closed and then reopened.  She survived both in four years and is happy to be alive.  Our conversation started with her comment on my skirt.  I said I wear it to air out the bottom.  Tom also coached soccer for girls.  We talked about their daughter, granddaughter, dogs, teaching, house code reinforcement, and how there is lack of shower access etc..  we went on and on.  I could have kept going and I needed to pee half way through our conversation but the conversations were too good to leave.  We also talked about headaches and rock healings.  I also talked about language and cultures and how it shapes anger and frustration and stress or the lack of.  There is anguish in Beth’s eyes that fazed in and out.  I pulled out a new bag of French truffles to celebrate her being alive.  They are lovely warm people who have a lot of love for others. 

 

Yup I am at this site in order to meet them who are across from me.  I had contemplated their site in the morning and felt, “What if an RV wanted to park here?”  They bought their camper for $8,000 in September and loved it.  Beth is good at training her dogs to be dogs with dignity and expect more from them and still set boundaries  for dog freedom. 

The RV next site over flagged me and said he was a retired CID for the military central intelligence division like CIA but for the military only.  He said he felt proud that his life service in the military was of worth when he sees single young women traveling alone feeling safe to do so.  I am happy for him and his vision and his heart of protection for everyone. 

Today I bothered to look into a box at my site and realized it was an electrical hook up box.  I didn’t have to go to the restroom all this time, in fact I could have plugged everything in but I just didn’t know because I didn’t check, silly foolish of me.

It’s amazing how I can just flip from solitary silence to a social chatter box just like that.  I’d say assimilation into civilization complete.

Why Isn't There an Abundance of Fruits and Vegetables In Oregon?

Day 47 National Park 2011

I was up at 6am and I rolled out at 7am.  I barely slept last night.  I shivered in bed for two hours before I decided to get up and add two more layers of jacket.  I hope this won’t get me sick.  On this lovely day the sky was clear.  I bid my goodbye to the state of Washington and Mount. Rainier National Park. 

I pulled over to Panamerican Farmers off HWY 12 and bought blueberries from blueberry farm.  It was yummy, large blueberries.  I also pulled over to a cherry stand and this stand had plump giant cherries for $5 a bag. 

The border of Washington and Oregon on both sides was difficult to cross.  I was a bit disoriented and the speed in which people move in scared me.  I made a decision to get onto i5.  A trucker behind me looked far enough for me to merge onto the highway.  But the trucker drove fast and it honked me from a distance for me to speed up, I floored my gas peddle but my car wasn’t going any faster.  

Portland is a port and I have learned on this trip I am not into ports and the energy of ports.  I got onto HWY 26 West and got gas.  I really love “no self service” at gas stations.  A guy pumped my gas and another washed my window.   There isn’t much going on in HWY 26.

It was 11am when I pulled into Taco Bell to use the restroom and eat.  It saddened me to see an old woman who should have retired but needs to work instead at a fast food place.  She was sweet, I liked her manners in customer service.  No one was rushed in their order decision process, no one was hustled and it was a long line.  I liked that.  There was attention and order to each person, an understanding and respect and everyone was willing to be patient for this decent civilized not so fast-fast food process because it was worth it.  She made you feel you were worth it and she too was worth the time and care in this transaction process.  It might be the only human interaction each person receives in a day that was treated with respect and just like that each person was honored.  You mattered just as much as the person behind you and that person behind too.  This was so beautiful to witness.  What gifts this elderly woman gave to all of her customers.  What an inspiration she is.  She is priceless and I am grateful to have been here to witness this. 

You would think in this amazing state of Oregon, so green, environment oriented, nature loving state that everyone would be vegan and that it wouldn’t be so hard to find vegetarian food or amazing produce, and at economical price.  Yup, it’s not like that, that exist in some fantasy, it’s not reality.  It’s difficult to even find fresh fruits. 

I finally arrived at i101 and head south.  I went from campground to campground and each was full.  I couldn’t believe it.  I didn’t like the energy in all the places until I reached south of Newport.  There were two beach state parks I liked just off the beach.  At Newport I took a happy break at Grocery Outlet to see what they had and use their restroom.  The restroom was lovely.  It’s these little things, they do matter and really make a difference. 

I was already at Reedsport and still I have yet to come across any vacant site.  I kept going south since I was four days ahead of schedule in meeting up with friends in Reedsport.  I drove past Coos Bay and sights of logging saddened me.  I was at Bandon and the Bullards beach state park was full too.  I was happy about shower there.  They only had biker site left and I had to walk in and was not allowed to park my car in the park.  It was a one way three plus miles on foot where I can park my car at the grocery store that allowed overnight parking.  The place was packed and each site was tight.  The nice National Park site spacing was all gone.  This place is an assimilation into civilization and mass public for me.  It was evident to me that I was not ready. 

I decided to proceed onto the beach and drive some more towards the lighthouse Coquille River Light formerly known as Bandon Light.  I saw a young man sitting on the beach in the midst of gusting wind and flying sand, alone and writing.  I parked at a picnic table and ate salad.  I went to the light house and watched sunset at 9pm.  What a lovely sunset.  I had to leave because the camp ranger locks the gate at 10pm.  The gates open at 7am. 

In the dark I saw in a distance headlights and I knew that was where I wanted to go.  I just didn’t know how to get there.  I drove and followed beach sign and because I knew I wanted to wake up and watch sunrise.  I parked at a circle facing the ocean and just slept sitting up in my car in the midst of beach houses.  I was happy to finally park the car and stop driving.  I was very tired.  I put all three sleeping bags on me to keep me warm for the night.      

Miles Driven: 496 Miles

Hours on the Road: 12 Hours