Learning to Say More No's

In pain, first four segments of tail bone burned.  My butt cheeks numbed and burned all night.  It was difficult to sleep.  Walking was difficult today.  I am so tired from the lack of rest from all this pain. 

I went and took my car in to fix for my road trip.  I walked out with a one thousand dollar bill.  Oouch!  My car runs so smooth now.  My brakes are sharp.  This was long overdue. 

Trying to talk sense into my mom about money, that experience and exchange made me feel like I was dying in my chest.  My immune system was under attack.  I had a fever and I was in pain.  I had to physically rest. 

A friend called today wanting me to do this and do that, drive here and drive there.  I felt the distress and pain, a few hours before she called and I declined suggesting she finds another way other than this way.  My decline was to say no to pain and punishment, manipulation and control. 

Point Reyes

I woke up at 6:45am and was at Emeryville by 8:20am to pick up Toure and John for Point Reyes day hike.  We went to Acme bakery for bread, I got an olive round and a sweet round and cinnamon walnut current bread.  For breakfast they had apple turnovers and cinnamon roll. 

We stopped by Peets for coffee and for me to pee.  They drink coffee, I was not aware of this until now.  I saw Yadolla at Teance and stopped by because he made the effort to drop his mop and open the door for us so as we passed by.  I stopped to say hi and he offered tea, tea to go.  I told him I would be gone for three months this summer to camp all over and it felt really good to see him before I left.  Sam served me the cup of tea to go with gratitude and kindness.  My heart received it with peace and joy. 

The car ride over was somehow about u-turns and missing turns.  It was all a kind of obstruction.  I had previously felt this and was determined to push through it.  The ride in the car was fun, we joked about funny things, comedians etc… time flew by.  

We were at the ranger station by 10:34am and we checked out trails etc… Toure was all about the forest and John was all about the coastal trails.  We decided to do both and did the meadow trail to sculptured beach.   It was 3:30 when we sat and had lunch at the beach.  It was windy and we dipped bread in the palak paneer I had brought from the trunk, all ready to eat out of the pouch. 

The entire hike to the ocean was fun.  We chatted nonstop and sang.  The topic of conversations ranged from parallel universe to super heroes of comics to singing songs etc.  I had so much fun and effortlessness in interactions with them.  We took care of each other and looked after each other.  We helped each other on steps and shrubs in the trails. 

Why is it that every time there was so much obstruction for us getting together and doing things and learning about each other, helping each other out and deepening the bond?  How are we a threat to anyone or anything?  Or is our lack of interaction, in our separation itself is a kind of destructive force for each one of us?     

How I have missed such company in the likes of them.  I am so glad this day happened.  It was long overdue.  This is the beginning of a new era in my life.  I am so grateful.     

John wanted to hike along the coast and go to the coast camp, an extra 2 miles hike and then loop out back to the parking lot.  It was late and windy, I was cold.  I know the time we need to do this extra 2 miles and I would prefer to not have to hike in the dark without a head lamp.  Plus with respect to the White Horseman’s protection of the exchange of sun walkers of the day and moon walkers of the night realms, I wanted not push the system.  When you know better you do better and this is doing better. 

John wanted to press forward and Toure had the last say, and he decided to go back.  The way back is all incline.  The guys wanted to summit Mt. Wittenberg another .4 miles round trip.  I split with the guys to continue to the parking lot after checking to make sure that they could do that without me, hopefully not get lost and we would meet back on the trail I was on.  They later said they got lost, it was dark and creepy, they never made it to the top. 

I felt the return hike was intense.  Everyone was tired, focused and upset we didn’t do the coast camp.  The hike to the ocean John led.  The hike out to parking lot Toure led.  I learned a lot about John’s care and him as a teacher.  He is a very detailed, careful, thoughtful person and very capable leader in carrying out his plans.  I was impressed.  The hike out was quiet, not a lot of talking or joy.  Toure’s knee hurt.  We hiked 8 hours today. 

I split from the guys at the 8 mile mark, I hiked the rest on my own.  I knew I wanted to pee before the parking lot, and did so before the guys caught up to me.  They did a follow creep in ninja thing.  They turned it into a game and the mood shifted from intense drag to fun again. 

At the parking lot I mixed hot coco for me and Toure, John declined.  Toure went to use the restroom and I closed my eyes and felt a strong and stable head.  Even just 3 minutes of meditation was better than none and it was quality better than quantity.

While hiking today, I saw two large very tall protector behind me.  They were in white and were Heavenly earth strong.  They were stable and respectful.  I asked,  “Who are they?”  I heard, “They are with John.” 

In the car John got into business mode on the paperwork for the apartment.  He was quite upset over it.  It’s been an awful time for them.  It’s all a part of growing up.  

During a conversation about a scratched camera I missed the 101 south entrance and was up at Novato, yup, another u-turn of the many u-turns today.  

Both Toure and John fell asleep in the car.  John slept the entire ride.  John wanted Chinese food.  I heard him telepath wanting to pay for dinner.  I telepath him back, telling him to save his money for school.  We went to Long Life for dinner and John paid for dinner anyways. 

We all agreed that more people on this trip would be fun.  But I am not up for organizing anything.  My organizing days are done. 

Looking Past the Surface

I saw a friend today and chatted with her.  Her humor and playfulness is to uplift her from her deep sorrow, pain, and depression.  She has looked the best she’s looked on the surface.  Look deeper into her eyes and it’s grey brown sorrow.  It is easy to miss.  She hides it well.  She is doing the right things to get onto her feet. 

I saw John come in with a friend.  She sounded exactly like another female friend.  It’s the same being speaking, same dramas played in two different bodies, disgruntle, fearful, too good for anything, too proud, too poor inside, too confused, too destructive and poisonous. 

Saw Wren tonight too.  She looked so frail and fatigued, barely holding it together.  At the end of the lecture she looked full and the sparkle in her eyes returned. 

People and The Stories They Carry

In the morning I hung out with Jojo and Caroline.  I brought Hello Kitty lollipops for her.  It turns out Jojo is on Sweet consequence time out.  She has two more days until she can have sweets.  I think the whole idea is deferred gratification and learning lessons.  She was trying her way out of it with hinting salty cracker treats instead.   I think the Hello Kitty lollipops is worth the wait.   We had food at Symphonies a vegan restaurant.  Lunch was nice.  I really enjoyed our time together. 

I went and got bread at Cheeseboard.  I got two baguette rolls for $1.36.  I also got two slices of cheese I didn’t want to eat but saw I should buy them so I did.  As I stepped out of the shop I saw the place to sit was on the left bench outside the door. 

There I met Rosie Ramirez from Honduras working in Kensington, going to night adult school and taking yoga three times a wee.  Whose husband died two years ago while working at a bank, during a robbery he got shot and died on the spot.  They have been married since they were 17 and have two daughters.  One is studying in San Jose State University in graphic design.  The other daughter is studying in San Francisco University majoring in psychology.  She has been in US for four years.  I gave her my cheese and offered my bread.  I think the cheese was for her.  She and her broken English plus my broken Spanish, we managed to converse for an hour.  It is just like this, share food, talk, connect, finish karmic cycle, heal, and move on. 

Then an Indian mom with four kids sat to the left of me with three art pads and a travel water color kit all sat and looked at the same corner and drew what they saw and colored it in with water color.  I found it so inspiring. 

Met up with Audrey and Stacy, we went to Flaco’s for dinner, a girls get together.  We then had tea and chocolate.  Audrey had to air out her pain and trauma in volunteering in CTTB for the past six months.  She was on a verge of a meltdown.  The sadness and insane pain in her eyes were difficult to look at.  Instead of asking her about things, I just talked about me, my days, Oprah, etc.. She can’t think, she doesn’t know what she wants, even simple things like dinner item.  I chatted about Oregon just to take a breather on the eye focusing on Audrey’s problems. 

We then met up with Loc to chat about The Fountain Project.  Loc went at it like a doctor on Audrey.  She was comfortable in his presence, things turned around for her then.  She started to talk about her fears and worries.  We spent the next two and half hours going back and forth on dreams, healing, and esoteric stuff.

Stacy mentioned many times tonight my house on the street, my garden and dinner parties, lots of talks we had and that she missed them.  She suggested we get together like this with Audrey in the future. 

She's a Sneaky One, Hidding

After lunch I pulled out French truffle chocolate to have with Toure.  At the start he seemed guarded and hurt but was polite enough to sit with me and chat.  He loosened up after a few minutes and expressed his interest in going to Pt Reyes for a hike.  John finally showed up at the monastery and it was lovely to see him. 

I took a 25 minute break underneath a tree this afternoon.  This really rejuvenated me.  I felt my eyes cleared.  

My dinner disappeared so I had to go get dinner and decided to go to Cheeseboard Pizza.  It felt like a routine to go now.  When I got there I realized I went for the music and not the pizza.  I went for the rhythm of the crowd. 

I saw a friend tonight, I inquired about tea with her and noticed she was in a transitional healing space and having her do things, just the thought of it exhausts her.  She physically looked good.  The fatigue is around her eyes.  Her complexion is good and so is the beautiful spirit in her eyes.  She is a sneaky one, hiding her fatigue of life and living from the public.  I am glad she was able to say politely and articulate no and why.  I should have paid more careful attention to this matter.  

Instead of driving up to CTTB I felt too tired and decided to drive home.  It was cold tonight, windy too.  It was good I had the black fleece jacket on.

Young'ns

This evening I saw Toure and Nancy his girlfriend.  Nancy wanted me to sign a paper for her as her guardian parent because her mom won’t.  I don’t know what it was but I refused.  I am not her guardian.  I am not her mom.  If her mother refused to agree to an activity and she is underage to participate, why did she and Toure think I would?  I saw in Nancy, Toure, and John’s face and expression of hurt and lack of understanding.  I don’t know what else to say in regards to this.  Ah...Youth!

Not a Royal Enough

I did not get up at 2am to watch the live broadcast of Will and Kate’s Royal Wedding.

I went to Amy’s place to help curl her hair as Laura worked on her face for test runs in preparation for her wedding.  We did different things to see how a veil, no veil, head piece etc.. would work.  We went to Thai restaurant for dinner in Mountain View. 

Everyone wanted to know where I was going for the summer.  I really don’t know yet.  I don’t usually know.  I’m not a good planner.  I just roll with it when the time comes.  It helps that I like many things.    

Joyful Giving and Joyful Receiving

I went to Teance, Yadolla was there and I took over the tea bar while he went upstairs to rearrange the talk space.  I enjoyed helping out.  I can imagine it is a very long day for them and the hosting of this event is voluntary and very gracious of them.  Yadolla asked me to help with tea during the talk.  I brought Belgium chocolate to share with everyone.  People rush to get here from work and for some, they did not have time for dinner.  I always find myself joyful from Teance evenings.  Yadolla handed me a bag of tea of which I declined and then decided to ccept.  The joy in his giving was joyful to receive.  It was a sweet evening. 

"Standing In Her Light"

Snowboarding Day 26 Season 2011
I stayed up last night until 12:35am watching NBA game, Lakers finally won. It’s not even hard but somehow they were sluggish the first game and lost to the weakest team.

My back heart chakra was in pain, swollen and my tongue where the heart is had a sore. I prayed for a help in healing. As for my complexion I looked the best today. It was 10am when I decided I needed to drink blood orange juice with honey as medicine. I ate a few pieces of chips for breakfast.

I have not felt this good, this clear, this stable, this aligned with body, heart, emotion,and spirit.  I had hoped to get into it this summer with the travels but here I am, I am already here.  Check!  Done!Off of my to do list.

Morning Contemplation
All I had to do was stand by what I see as truth and breath through the lies that I had accepted as truth as is, all out of trauma, shock, and fear. I didn’t stand my ground. I didn’t stand by me. I didn’t honor me.

Both Sky and Canyon lifts were on hold due to high wind, 65mph. I finally left for the slopes at 12:35pm. The blue sky was out and I felt a great peace and fullness within. I felt in sync and healthy. Something I had hoped to achieve this summer with my summer break. I didn’t know it can happen now.  Check!  Done!  Off of my to do list.

When I made it to Canyon lift, the Sky lift was moving on a test run but it wasn’t ready. So I enjoyed the powder off Canyon Slopes and there was powder everywhere. I was so happy, joyful, having so much fun. I felt high on powder. I felt my cells tickled silly in delight. I was smiling the whole time going “Woot Hoo!” down the slopes.

I went into the woods and enjoyed riding in between the trees and underneath branches. It was an amazing day. I felt so grateful for the powder Gods making this possible. I felt so blessed to experience this. I didn’t want the day to end. I can’t believe this gift was happening. I am so glad I stayed this week, I am so glad I am here.

Today a man smelled of weed pulled up on the lift line and I decided to let him ride and wait for the next row of seats. I didn’t want to inhale his weed on the very long Sky lift. I am glad I did so. I am glad I did not choose to be miserable by going in proper order of the lift line.  Having to sit next to him meant getting toxically sick and having to detox the rest of the day from it. What a lost of time in my life it would have been.  I am glad I did not subject myself to such misery. I am glad I protected myself and took care of myself.

I caught Oprah Best Friends show where Gayle said, “I have never felt like I stood in Oprah’s shadow, I have always felt I stood in her light. I think it is because I am a happy person leading a happy life.”

"Holding It In and Letting Go Are Two Different Things"

Today my sister Helen and her neighbors held a yard sale to raise funds for Tsunami relief efforts. It was such a lovely thing to do. My bike sold for $25.

We went to café Au Coco Le after lunch, Gwhyneth wanted to thank everybody for their efforts at the benefit concert for the Tsunami disaster relief work. We had tea, hot chocolate and hung out. I saw Rinaldi on the way over and hopped into his car to go to the lending library with him. I have only passed by the lending library and have never been inside. It was fun to see how it all worked. I loved the tool lending library. Rinaldi dropped me off at the café to meet up with everyone.

I stopped by the flower shop with Michelle and discovered how much she enjoyed flowers and taking pictures. When we got back, Gwhyneth was playing the piano and my favorite pieces. I sat quietly like everyone else and enjoyed the experience.




Toure and John said they were robbed on Tuesday, a break in and lost their computers Xbox etc… It was a clean job and there was no signs of break in.














At 5pm Michelle and I wanted to go to Cheeseboard but it was too late, the baker had closed. So we went for a walk in the neighborhood to look at Berkeley gardens. It was a cold walk with rays of sunlight peeking through here and there. I found many delightful flowers, beautiful camellias, daffodils, poppies, and many orchids, this really made my day.

Wisterias were in amazing bloom at the corner of Grant and Bancroft. I have always wondered what was inside this building. Both of us hovered over the building. DeAnna, owner of the house for 20 plus years drove up the house watched us watching and invited us in. I told her the chi in the house felt great and the health of the wisterias reflected it, and I felt there was a strong fairy energy. The inside of the structure has really good chi too. She is a dancer and an physical therapist. Her office has church healing energy, very calm, safe, relaxed vibration, a really good place. The husband did all the remodeling inside. The daughter is a senior and is a dancer. They are all healers, builders, creators, and the house reflects this. At one point in parting at the corner door, I mentioned my thoughts in passing this house in the past decade, that a feeling of drugs and a political edge was what shuns me away from walking on this side of the road. She validated my intuition. She gave me a historical run down on this building. There was once a meat market store in this building, it was a front for dealing drugs, and then there were the political activist office station here etc.. The wind picked up and we rushed back to BBM at 6:23pm.

We saw Laura who invited us over to check out her new snowboarding gear. She invited us to join her for instant noodle dinner of which we declined.















We headed back to BBM and at 7pm decided to get pizza at Cheeseboard. It turned out everyone came and my car was full. It was a good thing this old car did not have to roll far with all this weight, my car almost stalled. You can smell the pizza a block away. The line stretched to the grocery store, no worries, this line moves fast even though it’s super long. We ended up sitting on the bench in between inside and outside of the shop where the window was. For some reason we didn’t talk at all, the chemistry was strange. We made it back to BBM at 7:47pm.

People raised the question of how the Sunday walking recitation is not Shr Fu’s Dharma, of which Rev. Heng Sure replied, “Is reciting the Buddha’s name Shr Fur’s own Dharma?”

Andrew asked a question on road rage, Rev. Heng Sure clarified, “Holding it in and letting go are different things.”

I was so tired today, I am super surprised I even lasted through the evening. I bolted for the door as soon as I could, and then Toure flagged me down to confirm they needed a ride home.

Enjoyed Being With People

It was 9am, we sat and did art. I wanted to be there early to feel the pulse of things and people. It was lovely to sit with John and Toure, I really enjoy their kindred hearts. We talked about a whole bunch of things and dreams. Today I watched people listen to me as I spoke. I couldn’t do this in the past, I was too nervous and afraid of people and internally extremely shy to be able to spare the energy and attention from anxiety to do so.  Michelle joined us in the afternoon and we went to Cheeseboard to eat pizza for dinner.

Fun Times at the Monastery

Hanging out with John and Toure on a Saturday afternoon. 

We Don't Seem to Run Out of Things to Talk About

After the evening dharma lecture tonight, John, Toure, and myself just sat in my car at the parking lot and chatted form 10pm-1am.  Toure and John are amazing spirits and great healers, I don’t think they know that or see that in themselves. 

Just Say No!

I said no to a friend.   It was like asking me to give up my life or something.  I had time to sit and think about all of this.  I felt guilty for saying no.  I felt bad, I felt really bad, like I can’t say no.  And that somehow because I said no, somehow it’ll all be my fault, bad things will happen and I suck.  I don’t want to get run over or be a doormat.  I am my own individual person.  I realized my challenge is to learn to say, “NO” and feel okay, continue to keep breathing, or try and let it go.  So, I had to say no to a friend and use it as perfect practice to overcome all this inability to do so and the end of the world thing. 

True relationships that are caring, kind, healthy, nurturing will care to understand and support me in handling my heart with care, and wish for me to be a happy successful person to my full potential and celebrate with me in joy.   So I won’t worry so much and I can say “NO” to people.

All About the Churro

I love Christmas in the Park.  It's my tradition to go and get a hot freshly fried churro there each year.  David came to hangout.  We went to get Indian buffet and then walked at the park and also went to the church where ceremonies were done in Spanish.  It was a lovely time. 

Jasmine Reunited by Tzu Chi

This is Jasmine, a co-worker from ages ago.  We reunited in Tzu Chi where her son goes to Tzu Ching and she also taught Chinese there.  She has not aged, she looks as young as ever, just like yesterday.   

Acme and Cheeks

Girls time again with the Cheeks.  We went to Acme bread and then we had tea.  We chatted about everything we can squeeze in with the time we had.  It's hard to get it all in since we see each other a few times out of the year.  Still, I cherish our times together and our friendship, our sisterhood. 

Someone Give Lucie Her Own Show!

I met up with friends from the past today at Chelokababi, Ly, Jackie, Lucie, Patty, Anthony in Sunnyvale. They are all so sweet, light hearted, we laughed and laughed. My cheeks hurt from laughing. I think I might wake up with a six pack tomorrow from all this laughing. Lucie is a crack up. She should have her own show.