Learning to Say More No's

In pain, first four segments of tail bone burned.  My butt cheeks numbed and burned all night.  It was difficult to sleep.  Walking was difficult today.  I am so tired from the lack of rest from all this pain. 

I went and took my car in to fix for my road trip.  I walked out with a one thousand dollar bill.  Oouch!  My car runs so smooth now.  My brakes are sharp.  This was long overdue. 

Trying to talk sense into my mom about money, that experience and exchange made me feel like I was dying in my chest.  My immune system was under attack.  I had a fever and I was in pain.  I had to physically rest. 

A friend called today wanting me to do this and do that, drive here and drive there.  I felt the distress and pain, a few hours before she called and I declined suggesting she finds another way other than this way.  My decline was to say no to pain and punishment, manipulation and control. 

Looking Past the Surface

I saw a friend today and chatted with her.  Her humor and playfulness is to uplift her from her deep sorrow, pain, and depression.  She has looked the best she’s looked on the surface.  Look deeper into her eyes and it’s grey brown sorrow.  It is easy to miss.  She hides it well.  She is doing the right things to get onto her feet. 

I saw John come in with a friend.  She sounded exactly like another female friend.  It’s the same being speaking, same dramas played in two different bodies, disgruntle, fearful, too good for anything, too proud, too poor inside, too confused, too destructive and poisonous. 

Saw Wren tonight too.  She looked so frail and fatigued, barely holding it together.  At the end of the lecture she looked full and the sparkle in her eyes returned. 

So Tired

I inhaled 19 travel books on National Parks in 3 days.  The things I can accomplish when I am focused and passionate about it.  

Majority of this week was taken up with physical pain, half was on upper back behind the heart, pain down to the arm plus second chakra back pain.  I needed extra rest time because I was not getting proper quality rest, I would wake up from the pain.   My head also ached along with fifth and third chakra, a dizzying sick pass out kind of pain.  I would be too tired to feel capable of engaging with another human being.  And when I did, my voice had no enthusiasm.  I would have to nap in my car in between each hour just to get by.
 

My body stank this whole week and felt really iky.  I really smelled bad.  I have needed anywhere from 10-15 hours of rest.  I would feel so tired.  I even skipped NBA eastern conference finals of Miami Heat vs. Chicago Bulls and ABDC.  I even skip Oprah.  

And when I found a window of surge in energy and concentration, I milked every speck of it to get things done.            

Not Sad, Just Miss Him

I passed out in the afternoon for 4 hours.  I was so tired and in so much pain.  My chest, thymus was strapped with darkness.  It finally cleared with contemplation of Earth Store Sutra.  As it cleared I saw it was linked to my sciatic where my butt cheeks controlled my mobility, my mobility to move forward in life.  My lower back, bum, and knees all hurt. 

What has been inflamed, sore, and in pain since January is my upper back behind the heart, it’s sadness that has surfaced.  I saw pains from experiences linked to this person that person who called me names, yelled at me, belittled me, treated me as a dump and the passing of my dog Yoyo.  I am not sad he died, a dog’s life is hard.  I just miss that friendship is all.     

Down Too Long

I rested in my car at 8am in the morning feeling the warm sun after a 12 hour rest of the night.  The tension and the struggles and the anxieties in my upper body was present.  I didn’t know what all of this was and I didn’t care.  I just wanted to be free of them.  I tried to recite and I would find myself loose my spot.  I did feel each section of my upper body clear up.  I knew all along no amount of sleep, TV, chocolate, tea, and noodles would cure it.  It would just be one covering on top of another, layer by layer, getting lost and pretending the pain, disturbance, suffering, and affliction didn’t happen.  So I found a way.  I asked for spiritual help and support until I can do it for myself, until I can stop doing this to myself. 

After a one and half hour call that lasted an hour too long, I had a headache on the top left back corner.  I tried many things to bring relief and nothing worked.  My body flashed fire.  I was sweating in strange gross ways.  My arm and body was hit with a blanket of prickly dirty cold something.  Nothing I did worked.  I had taken a shower.  I was clean but I was soiled.  I was hot and cold.  I put on long sleeve jacket, for the cold, yet I was hot.  I felt a blanket of blocks on my creative arm channels, main artery, left shoulder. 

I then realized, unlike the “Freedom Riders” on Oprah’s show, I have been down and I did not get up.  I must heal the beaten corrupt sparks within myself.  I have been careless and unguarded.  I have allowed inspiration and enthusiasm to die within me in some aspects.  This I must heal.  This I must fix.  I hope to do so soon. 

Solar Recharge

It was a difficult morning.  I felt so disturbed and unwell.  I finally perked up by noon.  What a relief!  It literally is a blanket of engulfment, like a drug, fogs and takes over.  It felt really good to sit in the car and feel the sun.  I miss just sitting in the sun and feeling the warmth over looking beautiful nature. 

Keep Loosing My Blanket

I have been cold in my new sleep spot.  I lost my blanket.  How do I manage to loose my blanket when I am already sleeping on the floor?  So I woke up with a scratchy throat.  The right half of my face was burning in temperature.  This morning my head hurt and I was cold from the draft. 

Playing Broken Records

Woke up with my mind going off on the same broken records about this person, that person, this situation blah…. It was a pretty long incessant chatter.  Then it dawned on me, it was me who keeps playing these records and I am glued to it and I abandon my doors for thieves etc…  Then I remembered I needed to just shut up. 

Today was another day of pain.  I felt so sick, I felt deathly sick.  I felt a choker around my thymus, it was dark brown, some sort of grief engulfing me.  I also had a bad headache.    

Ejected

I found myself pissy today, I felt so tired and took a rest on a chair for an hour and half.  I was so out of it I passed out.  Then at 5pm I was tired again.  I was in a lot of pain with back and arm injury.  I was done at 5pm, had to call it a day. 

Today I was so ill I prayed to Ten Thousand Buddhas Repentance Sutra and closed my eyes, I saw a black being fly out of my lungs area.  It ejected up past my head and casted a black shadow. 

Not Quite There

I did not wake up depressed or disappointed this morning.  I woke up feeling up.  I didn’t wake up feeling like a truck or train squashed me and I can’t seem to scrap myself off and together.

When the afternoon came, I felt pains in my body.  I did some pressure point relief work and this helped but I had no humor to stir up. 

Organize and Clean

My whole body is so tense from everything, I feel as if I am going to have a nervous breakdown.  This is killing me, making my bones hurt.  I was in too much pain to lay and rest.  I was in too much of misery to do any creative things.  I decided to organize and clean, I felt so much better having organized.  I love to organize!

Relying on Meditation

Felt sick in my stomach.  It began last night.  The attack on my back puts me in pain, attack on my digestive track, attack on oxygen to wear me down.  Meditation and recitation helped to move chi.

Peace With a Poodle

I went to visit Rocky.  I find peace in the silence in just sitting with him. 

The Latin hybrid roses are in bloom and they are amazingly beautiful and fragrant.  I clipped some for my room. 

During lunch today at the Indian lunch buffet, a lump of being 3-5 inches ejected from my heart and I felt great. 

Keeping It Together

Today was a challenging day.  I barely held it together on the outside.

Just a Few More Days

I have been feeling physically tired when I am at home, the head and tummy aches, so exhausting.  I feel like my body is fighting attacks of my blood.  I think a few more days of this and it will be over.  Such thoughts are a comfort. 

I Called Him

Still feeling ill with a terrible headache, I baked in the heat of the sun in my car for added temperature.  The sun felt good.  I prayed to Guan Yin Bodhisattva for help.  I finally was able to get into my own head.  I thought I felt hungry and opened a can of cream of corn from the trunk to eat.  I didn’t have a spoon so I just drank it. 

I saw someone I knew from a distance, I called him telepathically, he turned around and said to his friends, “Did someone just call me?”  That was cool.   

Jon Stewart! You Are So Funny

I woke up with a stingy fire thorny ring around my head. I recited in the car in the parking lot at work. I was tired and unable to be fully in my head. I prayed and asked Guan Yin Bodhisattva for help. I am in a terrible condition to perform at work and that is not fair to everyone else I have the affinities to come across at work today. I felt the disturbance stuck chi in the back of my head where the cerebellum is.

Watching Comedy Central with Jon Stewart makes me laugh. Watching iCarly makes me laugh. Watching old Tom and Jerry by the original artists and creators makes me laugh. Watching old Looney Tunes makes me laugh. My simple goal each day is to laugh silly throughout the day.

I have been feeling ill for a few days now. I have been fighting the onset of illness with fresh OJ. If I need to go for a knockout, I may have to go for some Indian food.

Rest and Be Clear

Being so physically ill each day has forced me to simplify, not multi task.  It has forced me to take much needed rest and solitude.  I have had a lot of space to reflect and think, I feel quite sober and clear actually.  I feel if I take the matter into my own hands and keep myself healthy then the strange very embedded habits of growing resentment and grudges for others not taking good care of me does not have a place to root itself in and feed off of.  I would have been able to spot trouble, danger and stay away.  And if I choose to get involved then it is a very clear conscious choice of intervention with strength and effectiveness. 

Found You!

I saw all along my right backside was in pain, it was self inflicted emotional pains from sounds I have danced to and adopted as cemented reality.  After seeing and acknowledging, I felt the cold prickly chi blast out of various points of a meridian line down the middle.  I was so grateful of this change that I have been waiting days on. 

I can’t believe how I have allowed myself to become immobilized for so long.  I have lost precious time this lifetime, stuffed up, stuck in delusional dreams as a reaction to pain, wasting away each breath and heartbeat. 

Another Battle Won

It’s been two days and body ached, not from snowboarding, it’s the kind of pain that makes me feel sick out of nowhere, people stuff and their poison toxic violent thoughts, battling and warring and entangling.  I had to give myself more rest in attempt to alleviate this.  Then I saw my front tarsal was stuffed with darkness, it was a distraction from what was hiding, a nasty disgusting creeper waiting to attack and take over.