Silver is Still Alive!

Day 1 

I woke up super tired, ill to the belly, and a cold prickly acidic feeling.  I heated hot water for tea to warm up my belly.  I had extra hot water left and nowhere to put it.  I ended up hugging it to warm up my body. 

Contemplating the annual Buddhist Sutra Meditation camping retreat I am to enter today, I had this prayer.  In service, my hopes are for all to grow strong, to transform, to transcend the upside down ways of the mind that creates karmic habits of Saha world. 

I woke up with a sore back and I woke up tired.  I just want to rest some more. The seaweed sweet potato porridge was awesome, just what I needed.  I so needed this meal seven days ago.  I juiced all the oranges and it was a perfect 32 oz. 

I rolled off at 12:15pm, I was already sweaty, dirty, and gross from packing.  The staff tried to clean my site all morning but checkout was 1pm and I had plenty of time to take my time.  The maintenance crew here runs the place like hotel crew.  They all zip out at 10am from somewhere and see each other once a day, check in and then get to work. 

I pulled over at Coosbay at McDonalds to get on the Wireless.  It was lovely to receive mail from my brother in law Andrew offering  phone card access incase I run out of phone minutes.  I parked next to a single mom with two teenage daughters.  The mother and older daughter sat in the car while the younger one shared a smoke with same age boy leaning on the mom’s car.  It was a strange sight to me.  That the mother would approve of the smoking and that all three of them were on a date at McDonalds.   

The drive from Coosby to Reedsport was long and exhausting somehow.  I just felt lots of static interference hitting me at once.  I don’t even know how I made it to the retreat safely and how I managed to stay awake. 

I pulled into the Lower Smith River road and it looked different every year.  I wouldn’t have recognized it by the scenery.  When I pulled into Half Can, Silver didn’t greet, he was no where around.  I wondered if he was alive.  I felt Matt was sleeping.  Everything was locked and I needed to pee bad.  I didn’t want to pee on monastery grounds even though we are camping, but I had drank so much OJ.  So I packed my tent and squeezed through the fence and gate, which was also locked.  I hiked up the hill and set up my tent and dried the space blanket.  I can tell the men will have their work cut out for them.  There just is so much to do to get this retreat space set up for the mass to arrive in a few days. 

I asked the same site as usual for permission to rest there.  It’s always nice to get permission.  The bed was covered with soft and tender needles.  If it wasn’t for the twigs and rocks I’d just sleep on it as is.

I enjoyed my stroll down the hill back to Half Can.  I liked this quiet alone time any time of the day.  This hill, maybe it’s the angle of steepness, it commands respect for quiet contemplation.  Usually I am just too tired from a lot of work that I can’t take in the details of the hill.  This very moment might just be my only chance to take it all in on this once a year retreat. 

I had planned to hike a few more times to carry the rest of the stuff on my back.  When I got down to the Half Can Silver was there whimpering.  “He’s alive!” I happily thought, “thinner but alive.”  The doors were open and I saw Matt cleaning.  He looked like a monk with hair.  His face looked holy in this moment of solitude in cleaning. 

We sat underneath the tart Granny Smith apple tree and chatted.  When he chatted he had rage in his eyes and face.  He talked about high school friends and how he went to his 50^th reunion at the age of 73 and how his peers have jet setting jobs, lifestyle etc..  He didn’t’ see himself as successful of a person in Turtle Mountain as a steward.  That he had a few panic attacks this years and took himself to the hospital.  When he was in this negative emotional state he looked like a layman, totally off centered, ungrounded, needy, clingy dependant. 

So I didn’t do my second or third hike in my bad ankle.  I was saved by the presence of Stacy and everyone else’s arrival.  I was glad I didn’t show up any earlier than I did because I could not handle Matt or Silver’s emotional dispositions.

 I watched Stacy, Tina, Alice get out of the car and I noticed how harmonious they were.  I was happy to have such a good start to begin this retreat. 

Dinner was noodle soup for simplicity.  Elaine and Tina showed up with Yip and Sim.  Yip is eating one meal a day.  Sim is Vietnamese form Hungry who has been learning Mandarin in CTTB the last 6 months.  She is very helpful but tries to run the kitchen without experience in general or knowledge and is lost in translation, so it was a bit overwhelming for me to work with her. 

Matt started to get going when people arrived.  Some people do need others to jump start their stagnant slump. 

The washer was clogged and I couldn’t do laundry. 

There was issues from last year and stuff gets lost in communication in translation and distance that it was best to just follow Stacy’s instructions on how to handle supplies this year in order to avoid more drama.  I didn’t get to shower tonight.  The shower has yet to be cleaned, it’s been a whole year since it was last cleaned.  I should have showered before I left camp this morning.  We ate dinner  in candle light. 

I noticed both Silver and Matt were both off this year, I wondered if their life line was coming to a closure. 

Two tents were set up for Henry’s truck in the Can so when they arrive they can just roll their stuff into the Can and just go to sleep.  All of Elaine’s crew’s stuff is on Henry’s truck, so they sat above in the loft for the night because even the loft has yet to be cleaned.  

He Had Been Dead For the Past Twenty Years

Day 50 National Park 2011

 I woke up with total exhaustion from tension and pain from last night.  I recited Great Compassion Mantra and I felt the relief.  I felt lighter and it worked.  I was chilly, I knew I wanted and needed to get up for sunrise but I didn’t get up until 5am.  I made hot tea and drove to the lighthouse for sunrise on the beach.  The scenic view of this morning’s sunrise on the horizon was not what I had expected. On the moon there was a kind of a spot light and everything else was fog.  I sat and drank tea, watched the fog and thought about Native Americans, surrounding chi, and all the drug and alcohol.  Then I went to use the vault toilet and it wasn’t a terrible experience, not as bad as Altaire Campground, that was enough for a lifetime.

 I reflected on my internal chatter, how this and that needed to be right.  Then I connected to how this sets things up for others to be wrong and to be corrected.  The opposite is true too.  They are both on the ends of a teeter totter.  I am still on the teeter totter of struggle.  I don’t need to be right or wrong.  I want to be out of it all.  “Just shut up!” was what I told myself, and then the pressure on my chest lifted. 

I drove one mile back to camp.  The best part about this camp isn’t the sites, nor the light house or the beach or even the town of Bandon.  The best part is the closed beach hours from 10pm-7am and during that time you can have the entire beach to yourself.  It is super cold, windy, foggy but it’s just you and that’s nice.  Lot’s of people camp here, but very few are on the beach. 

I made boiled pasta and crumpled chips into it, tasted surprisingly good.  10 am is hustle and bustle time, all the volunteer crews were out cleaning, picking up trash, etc..  It’s quite an amazing process to see.  There were a lot of volunteers and they are all very nice. 

I drove to old town and parked right in front of the Cranberry Candy store.  The one Harold stressed I should go to.  Everything was yummy.  They had tasters for everything.  What a dangerous place!  All the kids who step in, their eyes light up like Christmas lights.  The staff was pleasant and wonderful.  It is a harmonious place.  I bought CranMarion Berry juice no sugar for $9.75 each.  They gift wrapped it for me.  The women at the store drew me a map of where the blueberry farm is and where to go for wifi at the café and to go to Misty Meadow for jam and honey etc..

I walked to the café and bought a cup of water for tea for $1.15.  I poured in my own Darjeerling tea leaves.  All the staff who worked at the café had really good healthy energy and was pleasant to be around.  I was really impressed. 

I chatted with my sister and realized the dream I had the other day of family and the dog were family distress and disharmony that was physically taking place in real time. 

Today was a good down time day.  I was not feeling well today.  I went to Misty Meadows and bought $100. worth of Jam for gifts.  Now how to get it all home?  I felt really ill when I was done and very tired, low and slow chi and heavy chi.  So I recited Heart Sutra over and over until I reached camp.  I was glad to somehow made it back to camp in one peace, all ten whole miles.  I laid on the hammock and breathed, coaching myself to relax into the illness.  I felt better and got up, ate blueberries, cherries, bread and eggplant.  Then I laid on the hammock some more.  I didn’t make it over to the blueberry farm, I was just overwhelmed and sick. 

Kim came to invite me over for kimchi, rice, hot spicy Korean soup.  I passed, I was stuffed and I really wanted to use the time for more recitation.  Kim watches and looks out for me.  She watches me with curiosity on how I can be alone traveling for fifty days all camping on my own. She finally figured out that I make myself comfortable with things l like, hammock, tea, writing etc…  She said she missed home where she knows how to make herself comfortable.  She always gets the same campsite each year and books it nine months out to ensure it because this site is full every night.  She was impressed on how I know how to tie my own hammock.  So I showed her the only knot I know.  She said I should look into buying a mini camper.  I can barely reach the gas peddle of a mini van and a mini camper will be even worse. 

Kim was born in Korea and was adopted and raised in Kaui.  She lived in San Francisco where she met Harold.  She doesn’t speak Korean and barely cooks Korean food and doesn’t really like seaweed.  But everything about her is Korean, how she does her hair, how she moved her body, even her accent from Kaui is Korean English, isn’t that amazing.  She brings bird seeds and feeds birds each year she comes here, so all the birds love to flock here.  She also brings peanuts, I see the shells at my site. 

The sound of the creek right behind my site was music to my ears at the Humbug Campground.  Here at this site the ocean waves are right behind me too. 

The fog finally cleared at noon and was sunny the rest of the day.  Still the coastal wind was very chilly.  I dashed to the light house to watch the sunset.  The horizon was getting blanketed with thick clouds straight across.  It was like five waves out and creeping in, in the form of fog.  It looked like a tsunami wave.  I felt scared, like the end of the world.  A bit of orange and blue hint lingered and feathered the rest of the sky.  Then a fog above it all grew doom on everything in the short span of half hour and the sky grew dark grey and I got scared and drove back to camp with very little visibility.  

I got into the B loop behind a RV towing a trailer of three dirt bikes.  They found their site and unhooked the trailer, backed the RV into their spot.  They saw me waiting and two men tried to roll the trailer off the narrow loop road.  They needed more people but they rolled it anyways.  It hurt my back just watching them push.  Then finally a third person appeared to help and clear the road for cars to pass. 

I went for the shower and tried a different stall.  The water was lukewarm.  I was once again cold and shivering.  Towards the end it got warm and I stopped shivering.  As I dressed the shower drain burped sprinkles of gutter shower water and splattered onto me.  Gross!  I went to the restroom where there was an outlet to blow dry my hair.  Another woman with red shoes while brushing her teeth spoke her internal dialogue with her mouth full of tooth paste as if she had an audience listening to her.  I politely said good night and ran. 

 

I came across April’s father who told me he was up until 4:30am.  That he had been dead for past twenty years but he is now alive.  So all those nights of talking at the campfire way beyond quiet hours paid off and the fears of the daughter subsided.  The father had been revived!  The magic of campfires!

I put on more layers including socks for bed, it’s cooler tonight.  I was tired and I just wanted to go to bed.  I am amazed at how physically exhausted I felt all day.  

   

Pretty Tiny Green Frog Size of a Toe Nail

Day 49 National Park 2011

I woke up at 4am and packed up camp.  I headed out for Battle Rock for sunrise.  I decided I would go straight to Bandon after and not return to Humbug that I needed to be at Bandon's Bullards beach campground no later than 9am.  I stopped by the restroom and made tea for sunrise.  I parked at the parking lot and saw fog blanket everything.  It was beautiful, and not what I thought for a colorful red sunrise.  I sat and just drank tea and looked out the horizon. 

I contemplated about karma, how it is still the same regardless who notices, who approves or disapproves, who recognizes or not.  It can’t be taken away because of this person’s story or spin on things.  None of it matters.   

Then I felt a depression, a weight on my chest and my mind drifted into dreams of drama, my mind wanders out of fear and reacts in the form of control.  This is movement of darkness within the mind.  The weight lifted when I realized this thing encourages harm and fear, not fearlessness, safe stability and peace.  So I stopped and the weight lifted from my chest. 

I stopped at the grocery store to get rosemary La Brae bread and I didn’t really like it.  I rolled into the campground at 9:14am.  Bob at the kiosk highlighted six sites on the map for me to choose from.  I asked for his recommendation so I didn’t have to do the run around.  He said out of these choices he liked B41 because there are neighbors to the left and right of the campsite.  He insisted I check it out and verify it before committing because people haven’t checked out from site B41 and I can’t register yet.  I drove to look at it and confirmed it.  It’s all tight sites here and packed in like parking lot spots.  People brought their giant RV and are holding their extended family reunions in these sites hanging Christmas lights and Dish TV etc..  I sat until 11am when I was able to finally set up the tent.  It was good I got to the kiosk early because the line got popular and long after me. 

I also visited yurts, I saw each yurt had three beds with heat and no cooking is allowed inside, it’s just $36 a night, what a steal.  The volunteer grounds crew said they reserve the yurt 50 people conference room once a month for volunteers potluck.  What a good idea.  This is a popular campground and there is a lot of staff keeping the place tidy and fast. 

While I sat in my car waiting for my site to vacate, I saw a big plump dog walk by.  In my mind I wondered if it was a dog or a pet mini pig.  I thought, “fat” and then felt the hit in my stomach.  The dog heard that and snapped back, threw crap in my third chakra.  All of it was true, I wasn’t mocking it. 

I set up my tent and hammock.  I moved the picnic table to a nice spot.  I am so excited about the hook up box.  I plugged my long extension chord in and heated the water and charged everything.  I used the induction stove all day.  I cooked napa cabbage in hot and sour sauce then the mung bean noodles in sate sauce. 

I saw a tiny little green frog the size of toe nail on a neighbor’s hook up box.  It was beautiful.  When I drove around the loop, I saw lots of little children on their bikes circling around the loop.  I watched how the older child upon seeing a car will stop, drop his bike and move to roll the little one out of the road in quick urgency.  I find it amazing and beautiful to see. 

I was so tired I took a nap from 2pm-5:45pm.  It was a great nap

My next door neighbor is from El Dorado County, a German man named Harold and his Korean Kauian wife Kim and their two dogs.  Kim gave me seaweed from Oregon beach.  I sat in their campfire and we chatted all over , Harold and I.  Seriously, I can like be silent for months and then I can just jump from that and chat nonstop.  I gave them a box of beautiful delicious Belgium chocolate but I found out Kim was allergic so I gave then cherries instead and Kim said she was hopping for cherries to begin with.  Harold told me about berries to pick in the area.

Oregon for the past few days was a good public, crowd, community, assimilation.  I am okay, I am not feeling too overwhelmed.  I do appreciate 10pm quiet hours.  It is too much all day long, human noise, human activities and all the chatter and interaction.  I was stuffed at 10pm and so I decide to write postcards, all nine of them to send and I charged my batteries.  It was after midnight when I was done.  I went for my shower.  It felt cool for the cold evening ocean temperature.  I had goose bumps and shivered as I showered.  The sensory light went off part way and I tried not be scared during the shower and I was.  I just jumped out of the shower and turn my headlight on.  The sensory light kicked back in.  I hope to not get sick over this.  Shower is included in the camping fee too. 

At 1am, April, John and Dad and the rest of the family were still talking.  It’s good that they have good relationships like that to bond over family.  Sharon, the sister complained yesterday of the quiet hour volunteer patrol who came by to remind them it was quiet hour.  She connected to when she was six years old and in Yosemite, she happily set up a squirrel trap on the trail and a ranger on his horse told her it was illegal.  That shock crushed her and she still has issues of park authorities today.  I can’t believe in her 50’s, that she is still carrying that and said she still has issues with authority over it. 

Then I wondered what issues do I still carry?  How am I like Sharon this way?    

Restroom, the Nightly Hangout Spot

Day 43 National Park 2011

Woke up at 6am but I didn’t roll out of bed until 8:30am.  Opened my eyes and saw the sun shine through the tent window and said to myself, “If only I had gotten up at six I would have noticed the sun and I sure would have enjoyed that much more sun today and the sunrise.”  I recited and meditated.  I noticed my body was tense from all the distress of all the things I wanted to get done by 10am and it just wasn’t going to happen because I did not get up at 6am. “It’s done, it’s too late, let it go,” was all I could tell myself. 

I squeezed fresh orange juice with five oranges into 32oz bottle to pack for my day trip.  Seeing how the sun was out, I took paper towel and wiped down my tent to get as much mud off the outside and for the inside, as much puddle as I can.  The mud rolled into clay balls when I wiped.  I had to get over how muddy I was becoming in this process and how the mosquitoes were having a feast over me.  In this process of cleaning I also found pee spots from birds on my rainfly.  This morning’s challenge was to not complain and get upset or fuss over the things that still had to be done or the process of it.   

I rolled off for La Push village and Second Beach at 1pm.  Second Beach is a part of Olympic National Park.  The zoning in this area, in terms of what belongs to who is difficult to navigate without a map as private land and enterprise seems to mix in.  When I entered the area of Olympic National Park, I felt I hit the zone, the bubble of protection for National Parks.  It’s clean, it’s clear, and has a standard of pristine chi that is recognizable like a good Chan meditation hall. 

The trail of .7 miles into the beach through rainforest terrain was beautiful on this sunny day.  I missed the sun.  I looked at the ocean and thought to myself how I can spend a week on the coast like this. 

After La Push I went and did Twilight tourist things.  I saw the following signs,

“Jacob Black Vacation Rentals”

“Treaty Line, No Vampires beyond this line”

“Twilight firewood”

“Bella First Aid”

Lots of menu items are named after Twilight characters.  I followed the Twilight tour map from the Visitor Center.  I drove to the hospital and there was no Dr. Coullen Sign.  I drove to the Swan House and it really wasn’t it.  Neither was True Value Outfitters where Bella worked.  The only thing that was true to the movie was “Welcome to Forks Sign”. 

I ate at the super market, the only one in Forks, I ate out of the deli.  I didn’t want to cook and I wanted something hot to eat, not a good choice as most super market deli are the same mostly fat and carbs. 

At the parking lot I saw local native Quilout.  They looked Chinese Philippino Pacific Islander, I see why people assumed I was local.  They looked angry, unhappy, and miserable.  I wondered which came first, their addiction to pain and grief that brought them to this life as native Americans in reservations or the other way around?  Is pain, suffering, misery the only history they have, the only stories to tell?  Make new history, stories, and cultures!  How was their experience different than all the Chinese tribal villages of the past 5,000 years of war, unrest, change of culture, killings, and lost of land?  The road sign says, “Don’t DRUG and Drive.”  There are big flashy casinos everywhere.  There are more casinos than grocery stores.  That sure says something about the states of Washington and Montana.  There are giant Casinos with road kill giant flashing Las Vegas multicolor fancy electronic images billboard that lights the street instead of street lights.  Am I the only one who sees something is terribly wrong with this?  I don’t understand.  I thought the natives are suppose to be spiritual, full of wisdom that others look up to.  What is freedom?  Is freedom to hunt and log enough?  Are drugs and alcohol and gambling American’s freedom?   

It’s a Monday and when I got back to camp at 7pm, all the sites were filled.  A male deer had dinner next to my tent.  He was beautiful with velvety antler.  I tried to meditate tonight, I struggled through it.  I was just too tired.  I think it was all the junk food I had at the deli, all grease and sodium and microwaved.  I picked up second wind in the restroom after heating up hot water to wash my hands and face with.

In the restroom I met Girls Scout kids from Cilbourne, Georgia troop 1640.  They are bright girls. I chatted with the staff and one complained how my day was better because I didn’t have eight girls with me.  This restroom chat room was becoming a nightly thing.  It’s like the coffee shop, pub hangout, it’s the hot spot, the happening place at 11:30pm.  I noticed when people commented on my clothes and things I had, that it wasn’t about the things themselves, it was a female acquaintance friendly way of validating, in awe, seeing exchange saying, “You exist and you are beautiful”.      

I thanked the park for their support and hosting my growth and transformation during my stay here.  I told the bugs I was leaving and it would not be my fault if they are injured and died during the process of tent packing tomorrow morning.  The rain was not the lullaby that sang me to sleep tonight.  The birds and the river was my lullaby.  How wonderful I finally got to listen to them on my last night here.