He Had Faith and Hope

Thinking of JFK, Bobby Kennedy, the Cuba missile crisis and Ven. Master Hua fasting during those times to diffuse the world war III, I realized I had been wrong.  I lost my way in these past three years.  I have lived in fear and pretense in defense for this and that.  Shr Fu didn’t say, living beings are to suffer, they will have to learn on their own.  He did what he could to prevent suffering of living beings and benefit them even if they keep creating destruction.  He had faith and hope in them.  I have lost my way and have gone bitter and scared.  I shall change these ways. 

Hitting Walls

I am hitting the prickly walls of
“I can’t do this.”
“I haven’t been able to.”
“I will just fail.”
“I suck!”
It all puts me into pain, anxiety, spins my head and makes me go into a kind of terror that makes me think I am going crazy.

Freak Out Spinning

So many things traumatize me. I freak out over so many things and I become so easily overwhelmed, immobilized, paralyzed .

Why does the room spin when I try to memorize things? Is it the content or the activity of memorizing? This has been the case since I can remember. So I like to memorize things laying down, the room does not spin so much. But I run into the risk of falling asleep.

Everything felt so much safer, calmer when I opened the Surangama Sutra. All these images of threats, abuse, fear, anger, rage, violence flashed one after another and was arousing tension. What the healing would heal? It could heal all these past and past life pains. It could end the terror and the threats.