Just Couldn't Stop Crying

Day 12

I woke up at 7am and noticed everyone was gone.  Only Valerie and Fab was still around packing up.  I asked James to help carry my stuff to the Chan Hall so I didn’t have to make many trips.  I sat on the steps waiting for a ride down.  Valerie Tseng inquired why I was sitting all alone while everyone was down in the Can.  She gave me a ride down with all my stuff. 

As I loaded my car I chatted with Jia Hwei from Taipei branch now a nun.  I don’t know her ordained name.  She asked about my mom.  Then I recalled how she was stationed in Gold Sage Monastery of San Jose as part of her novice training.  It took me a good hour to pack my car in a away that I can drive it and see too.  I was so hungry when I was done I dipped 3 slices of white bread into the tum yum coconut soup.  I then noticed, the nuns forgot their breakfast and dessert portion for their van.  That van is going to be hungry on one meal a day. 

Silver looked exhausted laying on the gravel in front of the Can.  I was able to roll off at 10am.  I made a wrong turn before getting on highway 101 and u-turned right away.  At Roseburg I pulled over and got gas, cleaned my windshield and used the restroom at Wendy’s.  It was a very warm sunny day.

I turned onto i138 East to Crater Lake National Park.  I listened to music on my itouch.  It was a pretty hot day.  I was tired from the week and from the heat.  At Diamond Lake, Umpqua National Forest, I pulled to the right shoulder to look at the map and put the car in park mode.  I smelled fumes and tried to drive it and then I smelled smoke.  I shut off the engine to pop the hood.  It was smoking.  The transmission was leaking a puddle on the highway.   

My body went into shock mode.   Why should I be freaking out?  I’ve got AAA.  But I couldn’t stop this body’s reaction of crisis.  My body was shaking uncontrollably. 

A Christian family pulled over, three cars, two dogs, and their boat to help me.  They helped me push my car off the highway to the shoulder.  I had no cell phone reception.  They gave me a phone to call AAA.  They were so nice, checking the car fluids and transmission for me in the middle of this heat, taking time out from their family reunion break to attend to me.  The father was going to give me his phone and have me mail it back to him when I return home.  I did not accept.  I knew as soon as I am out of the mountains via AAA pickup I will have reception.

I tried not to cry but I found myself crying and talking the same time.  It was strange to me.  What was so scary?  Why was I so scared?

As I sat in the car and waited for AAA, I wondered if I should camp out at Diamond Lake until Monday when mechanics are open for business.  People don’t work on Saturdays in Oregon.  Gas stations also close for the night.  But I saw that I needed to be at the auto shop first thing on Monday so I still needed to be towed this weekend. 

A park security came via the Christian family to come and support me.  His cell phone had reception so I used his phone to call AAA again to see what the holdup was.  He asked if I needed anything.  I told him I just needed to cry and I sat and cried in my car and he sat in his car with a/c and watched me cry.  I don’t know why I was crying but I knew I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling.  

I sat in the car and tried to recite but my head was scattered.  I kept nodding off.  Then I cried some more.  I decided to eat some food even though I didn’t have much appetite.  I knew with all this trauma or at least how I am experiencing it as trauma that I needed some food in my body. 

Two hours had passed and the tow truck was nowhere in sight, just 30 miles out and still no tow truck.  I used the security’s phone to call and it turns out the tow truck was inside Diamond Lake Resort campground via other entrance and I was at the i138 entrance on the highway.

Bruce my tow truck guy finally came, it was so late in the afternoon already.  He said the nearest choice is Coosbay 80 miles, Klammath 100 miles, Medford 100 miles.  That there is no real mechanic shop in Schmoldt where his boss’s tow shop is and that is also the so called mechanic shop AAA had told me was the closest.  He would take me there if I wanted to but that he himself won’t get his car fixed there.  His boss is a gambler and he gets 25% of what his boss makes on each tow. 

I had doubts on whether or not Bruce is running me around for money.  I felt a clear answer in me to trust these options Bruce has laid out for me and that I shouldn’t worry anymore, or stress or feel troubled.   

 I decided I would complete my travel and go to Crater Lake via tow truck and from there nearest mechanic is Medford.  This was how the decision was made on which shop to go.  The ways on how I go about making decisions, seems random and odd but somehow works out to be the best in the end.  Yes and this meant 100 miles for $348.

Bruce gave me a tour of Crater Lake National Park and told me stories and history.  It was a fun ride.  Not a bad way to have to spend tow truck money on.  Crater Lake water is beautiful.  I passed by the campground I would have camped in and had to pass it up.  The exit south of Crater Lake, the entire highway was full of campgrounds. All were beautiful. I could camp in anyone and be happy.  But I had to pass it all up as I passed by it on this tow truck.  I so wanted to be there, any one of those campgrounds would have been fine. 

Bruce told me he was single but has been living with his girlfriend for 12 years.  I reminded him that they are legally married.  He said she has a thyroid problem and gained a lot of weight that she is at 230 pounds with swollen legs.  That his mom died of liver cirrhosis and how his father died 6 months later of lung stuff from his early days of working in the coal mine.           

We arrived in Medford way past dinner time and in this summer sun the sky was still in twilight.  Medford is a big city for Oregon.  We pulled over to an auto parts shop like a Kragen in Oregon.  Bruce looked at my car and wanted to see if it was just something loose he can tighten for me or just replace a simple clamp or tube.

In the parking lot we saw two Hispanic male mechanics and spoke to them in my broken Spanish, “Pardoname, auydame por favor.”   They looked into my car and saw the leak was from the gasket and something about something from the middle of the car.  It all sounded and seemed sketchy.  They recommended that I go to a dealer how they don’t have the equipment to fix this quickly on their own out of their house.  They said they’d have to take the entire car apart.  This part sounded scary to me and that they don’t really know what’s wrong with my car.  They said they have Sunday as their soccer watch day and it’s church day and family day too etc.. basically they don’t have the tools or the time or the interest.  I asked about where to sleep for the night and one of them asked the other if he could take me in all in Spanish.  It’s old school hospitality and kindness that isn’t common practice these days in America.  I did not find this to be a good idea.  It would not be street smart on my end.  All my travel alarms of safety rang loud all at once even though I did not find either men to be shady.   

Bruce took me to a nearby motel close to the mechanic shop certified by AAA.  Bruce says this shop is great and being certified they uphold a standard of quality and the rate is also standard.  My dinky run down old  scary looking Motel is run by an Indian family.  I wouldn’t have agreed to stay if not for the Indian owners whose family also lives there.  It was $35. a night.  The man Harry gave me 2 nights for $77. Including tax.  Is there tax in Oregon?  I thought not.
  

Bruce recommended I take all that I need for the next two days and what I can carry back via foot since my car will be at the mechanics and my only mode of transportation is my feet.  My other choice was Ramada, Quality Inn etc…  They were all at $80 plus per night.  Plus they were all off the highway and this shop is in the residential, too far apart.  When all was done, my car safely unloaded onto the mechanic’s lot, it was already 9pm.  Bruce wanted to take me to dinner.  I passed.  It’s so late, it’s been a long day and I have no appetite.  The idea of it just felt strange.  

I went to the room and clearly understood why I needed more camp food and supplies and how that did not make sense to me when I was packing for the trip back in May.   It’s what I would need this weekend, in this motel, waiting for the shop to open.  It’s a good thing I had breakfast at least.  I was so hot I decided to just lay on the bed with lights on.  I was too tired to cry, finally.

It was hot today and at night the temperature was 92 degrees.  The place fortunately had A/C.

Kentucky Falls is Special

Day 10

I was super tired and did not get up until 6:05am.  The alarm was set at 4:11am but I didn’t’ hear it at all. 

What is it about the kitchen or dinning area that seems to draw people to do lots of venting.  I find it offensive to spoil the food with such garbage, toxins, and poison!    

After lunch I got onto the Kentucky Falls truck.  I was on Henry’s truck.  I sat next to Darius and Henry.  Somehow we missed the right turn after the last bridge and went left towards the highway.  We didn’t know this until we were 15 miles into it.  The GPS did not work for Kentucky Falls. 

When we made it back to the crossing, a red truck sat and parked on the island of the crossing.  Two men sat in the front and one in the back. The man in the back pointed the right to show us the way.  What are the chances of that? 

On the trail I chose to be a sweeper and walked behind.  I had thought I could skip Kentucky Falls this year because I have seen so many beautiful trails this summer already.  As I hiked I realized Kentucky Falls has a special place in my heart.  The trail is just so beautiful.   There is history here of the early days of this retreat when it first begun. This trail is trail #1376 on Siuslaw National Forest.

It’s lovely to see the monastics join us for this hike.

I recalled when Silver was able to join us and jumped in at every sight of water he crossed and that’s a lot water.  I recalled when Silver learned how to ride on Henry’s truck to lean on the turns to not slide across the back of the truck or fly off the road.  I remember when Henry would chant Great Compassion Mantra on the trail and read Dharani Sutra while waiting for us to catch up.  The simple peace of anther time was felt in this modern busy day. 

Idaho in the Dark

Day 9 National Parks 2011

I slept with two soft shell jackets on plus the hoodie.  It rained last night, and was also very windy cold.  I also added an extra layer of pants.  At 5:35am I sat in the car where I was able to stay warm, I recited and meditated.  It was during this time that I felt the Kentucky couple pack up and leave and felt them send me a spiritual goodbye.   Since I was busy, I did not turn to acknowledge physically and continued to meditate.    When I finished, I walked toward the guys from last night where they had mama moose sightings.  I promised myself to do it different, better than last night, a whole new do over in conversation and attitude. 

I was attentive in listening to whatever it is they had to over in our conversations and I was able to receive what they had to offer.  They showered me with love, affection and friendship.  They included me in their circle.  It was just a very beautiful experience and I was able to soak it all up.  Most of all, I admired their friendship of sharing, support, and mutual adoration, admiration for each other.  The Florida guy pointed out moose hooves and moose poop to me.  Denver guy said he saw a male moose cross camp at 1am.  I said, "I had wondered what smelled like poop around my tent last night."  It was that male moose who came to poop and now here we are observing it’s poop during breakfast.  We parted with goodbyes.

I began making split pea for breakfast while they packed and left for their next destination.  Denver guy also mentioned how at Boulder you can turn on the radio and people will radio in animal sightings and you can go to that spot to see them as it occurs.  He really was a walking encyclopedia of information.  I really appreciated his sharing of his knowledge with me, taking the time to educate me and teach me things.  Florida guy said California is full of nice people and if I am ever in Florida that I should go to the Everglades and as a heads up, there are lots of mosquito in the campgrounds. 

I packed and head out too after breakfast.  I drove by Grand Lake going west bound and was able to see the mountain backdrop.  It is beautiful and so is Lake ShaShone.  Stillwater campground belongs to Arapaho National Recreation Area and is off the lake.  Lake Granby at second look, is a good pass by not necessarily a place I would feel I have to stop at.     

In general, Colorado is beautiful.  It is green this time of the year with beautiful rolling hills, meadows, and rivers that run through it.  When I am here, I have such inspirations as to get on a bike and ride everywhere.  People have little ponds and lakes on their land with a dock and a wooden rowing boat.  This is what children’s picture story books are illustrated after, a kind of wonderland.

I love how the sign here has miles and kilometers

Steamboat is a ski resort town and has signs in kilometers for foreign tourists.  I stopped at a town for the restroom in the Market Place store.  I ended up spending money on artery clogging food like apple cinnamon bread, chips etc…  I was treated to a chocolate red velvet macaroon cookie, a new sample they are testing out to the public.  It was yummy, just what I needed to wake up for the rest of my drive on this very hot dry day.  I rewarded myself a snack per town I entered and to help me stay awake and entertained. 

I felt the border of Colorado and Utah was difficult to be in or even to pass through, just as difficult as the west side on the way over.  It must be a border fengsui thing I think. 

The rest of Utah was beautiful.  The area where the lake was had highway road under construction.  The lanes changed to curb shoulder lane.  I had to balance between not hitting the road cones and driving off the shoulder and also avoiding the highway cutout lane divide.  It was not a success.  It is bad for tires and suspension system to hit those. 

The significance of today’s drive was noticing how the sounds and stories in my mind are just the same as the visual dramas, movies on the screen.  It is just shifted into the audio form of sound and voices while I drove.  When I followed it, it is same as following the image, getting hooked, gone, and taken over.  This is what I must work on. 

The Utah stretch of the drive somehow seemed forever.  I pulled over to a Burger King and had a veggie burger at 8:48pm.  Then I pulled over at Walmart in Logan at 9:30pm.  It was almost 10pm when I was done with Walmart.  I was super tired but I was determined to drive to Tetons tonight and to sleep in my tent.   

I bought at Walmart: A $10 hammock, a rain sack for my pack, 2 packs of arugula salad, Corn, Lime, Tomato, Avocado, Cabbage, Zucchini, Green bell pepper

I drove on the scenic highway in full moon which brightly lit up the mountain sharp turn road.  It really felt like 8:45pm in terms of brightness of the sky.  I drove by the lake and through Idaho, missing all the beauty in the dark.  I finally made it into Wyoming and had to pull over because I was falling asleep behind the wheel at 12am. 

I pulled over at a pullout that is south of the Campground for Bridger-Teton National Forest.  I just sat in the driver seat legs crossed, head leaned back, planning on just snoozing for an hour and then continue with my drive.  At national forest you can pull into any pullout and camp for free unless it says otherwise.  I just camped in my car for the night and didn't bother with a tent.  

Grand Lake to Jensen Utah 244 miles

Jensen Utah to Logan Utah 260 miles

Logan Utah to Bridged National Forest 100 miles

Today I covered 604 miles

Hours spent driving: 14 hours