I woke up this morning in distress. I dreamed I was in a car with other females. We were headed for a Buddhist retreat. I was on the cell phone with my mom. She told me she sold my car to someone. I started to cry hard. I was extremely upset that she was inconsiderate and didn't understand how much I worked for to pay for the car and pay for college tuition, commute two hours everyday etc... all to work around conditions set up by her just because she's my mom. How she doesn't understand what that car meant to me. It meant freedom and control over myself and my future. It had wheels and speed. I cried in pain and grief over the hardship and complexities.
Then the car stopped for food and I was still crying. I was still very upset that I couldn't finish my food. Plus the rest of my food somehow had scrambles eggs mixed in with my green vegetables and I didn't want to eat that. I left it on the plate. It was all that was left over. The driver called me selfish for taking more food than I needed. I felt great injustice within. I was in too much grief to begin with to say anything. She ordered punishment onto me. She sentenced me to eat out of a glass jar from then on. That I could only eat these old pickles nasty fermented food. I just took it all in.
I woke up upset, angry, hurt, over all of this. Who was this person? What right did this person have to punish me and do this to me? This person was stupid to begin with. I was even dumber to take it all in and follow. I got attacked when I was very worn out, feeling very vulnerable. I took the blows hard and had no energy to be coherent. I ended up just coping with it. I wanted to cry out loud but Linda was still asleep in the room. I could only cry within my mind.
I thought about how I have been only working around what hurts instead of healing what hurts. I am the only bars to the prisons I build for myself. That no one truely prevented me from anything but only my own stupid ways. All day my body was tired and ached from reliving these experiences in dreams, in memory, in now.
