This morning while in bed, staring at the ceiling, thoughts ran through my mind. I asked myself, “What am I doing in Tibet? What pulled me back into this foreign land that feels so much like home? What happened in the past? What’s going on now?” I started to cry and I couldn’t stop.
In the past I was a Tibetan girl who had to be married off to a neighboring country to help keep the peace in the border. I was treated terribly and only thoughts of joys of life in Tibet kept me sane. Out of deep grief, pain, sadness, and despair I longed to return to Tibet.
Hundreds of years and countless lifetimes later, today I am back in Tibet. I asked myself, “What’s the use now?” I needed to return to heal back then. This medicine I had prayed for then, I needed it then, but conditions didn’t allow me to receive it till now. What’s the use now? I cried because I was so tired. I was so tired of this cycle.
My body felt light as a feather floating in space, drifting and in the same time melting into cracks of earth. I felt my mind was like a pizza dough being pulled, stretched, pounded in all directions in different shapes and forms. It was all too much.
Everything I ask for I get. Every thought I give birth to takes on life of its own. It is too late once it starts. The seed will sprout on its own time according to its own conditions. There is nothing and no one to resent. I get everything I asked for. Everything that comes my way, I have asked for in the past. There is no one to point the finger at other than me, within.
I prayed and asked Samadhabadra Bodhisattva for guidance. Having this awareness and being able to actually stop these future cycles are two very different things. I think I understand and I think I don’t. Out of frustration I continued to cry.
